Nucular Phisics

Windows 7

2009-02-07T20:09:00.013-06:00

So I got the opportunity to play around with Windows 7 Beta at work. I had looked on the Internet but couldn't find a lot of pictures of it or much info, so I'm going to do a little review, for those of you that care.

Probably the first thing you'll notice is the new start menu/window list design. It's much more like Linux (who would have guessed?), and Mac too. One thing I think Windows has done well is the start menu in Vista (and 7), combining a traditional menu design with the functionality of something like Gnome-Do.

Windows 7 adds some capabilities to this design. You can "pin" things from the start menu to the bar, as well as browse more things directly from the menu. I think they call this something like a "jump menu."

You can also browse your windows from the window list. They are grouped together by application. All of your file browsers are grouped, IE windows are grouped (and each tab is viewed separately there), etc. When you go to the icon, you see a box with previews of
the windows that are grouped there.

Putting your mouse over one of them shows you just that window, turning everything else into just a black border, transparent to the desktop. I think this is equally useful and annoying. The close button that each preview has is nice, though.

I like the fact that it's been condensed to a per-icon basis rather than having to fit text down there, but I'm not sure how well it will always work. I know that with Linux it's a problem when a window has no icon, it just uses the default, and having more than one like that may be a problem. Most applications that most people use should be fine, though.

I know that a lot of people have a lot of negative feedback about the new ribbon UI in Office 2007, but I have come to like it. After using AutoCAD 2008, I got used to that kind of interface and preferred using it. Switching from the old-school menus and bars is a big change, but
seriously, deal with it. I like the context-based organization of it, and once you get the hang of it, things are much easier to find than having to dig though long menus at the top.
I do have a reason for this little rant... Paint got a makeover to this new design, and while I think for a program of its caliber it's a bit overkill, I like it. It's good for consistency.

More options have been added for themes, which is awesome. One of the things I disliked the most about Vista was how the interface was so fixed, with really no options to customize it, where Linux has more options that I know what to do with. Windows 7 brings a choice of color for your transparent windows, and, while I prefer the regular bluish anyway, it's still a good addition. The desktop chooser is also very nicely redone, allowing you to choose among a group of pictures that will rotate every so often.

A more subtle change is that when a window is maximized, the title bar no longer turns black, but keeps the theme.

The sidebar for gadgets is gone, and I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. I never really used it, I have Google Desktop under Vista (when I use it, which is less than once a month), but I think it's nice to have the gadgets arranged in a sidebar. In Windows 7 they are freely arranged on the desktop, which you could do in Vista, but at least there was the choice to sidebar them.

I tried YouTube videos in the cascade window switcher (that's what I call it), and they played while being browsed there. They also play in the bar at the bottom. I'm not sure how Vista did with this. I still noticed that if a window was not up it wouldn't update the preview in these places, though.

The system tray is another thing that has had a major redesign. Instead of trying to autohide things in a massive system tray, they get their own icon and popup box.

In the box you can see all of your icons, and when you go to the properties of this box, you have more options. You can decide when an icon should be shown a per-application basis. This is very handy to see only what you want to while hiding the clutter.

Notifications are similar, being grouped together in one icon that expands to a little box of notifications.

Windows has also changed the way that it organizes your personal files (again?). It has a section called "Libraries" which contains your usual Documents, Music, etc.

It's also got the cute updates to the flashy bling stuff you see around, such as the boot screen and others. Subtle things to distinguish it from Vista, which it otherwise resembles very much.

IE 8 Beta. Woo hoo. Looks more like Firefox (good, because I thought the IE 7 interface was bulky and awkward), not too much different.

It does have a different look to the history search, too. It looks more like, you guessed it, Firefox.

One thing that I was sad to see remain is the login screen behavior when part of a domain. When you use the username "administrator," it automatically assumes you want to log on to the machine instead of the domain. This is almost never the case. It's annoying to have to do "domain\administrator" every time to get it to log in to the domain. Maybe it's our fault for using "administrator" as our administrator, but still, it's annoying.

I tried adding an HP LaserJet 1012 and a 1005 (I think) as printers, but neither worked. The 1012 was a pain in Vista, but it eventually could work. I wasn't able to get drivers to install for either one, but that's something I'll excuse for a Beta release of Windows.

Also, it hasn't gotten any smaller. It's installed on a 40 GB drive (really 37.2 GB), and it has only 3 GB free, with only Office, an anti-virus, and Flash Player installed. I seem to recall some MS person saying that Vista got really big, and they just needed to make sure it didn't get any worse.
It may have.
Seriously, what are they doing with all that space? I think Linux does way more in a 2 GB install.

Pinpoint

2008-10-01T23:41:00.005-05:00

On the one hand, 11:40 at night is probably not the best time to be starting this, but on the other hand, if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. I'm not sure which is better... so here goes.
It's odd... some things come to me for the first time, and it's a wonderful concept, a great idea, but then it quickly fades to not very much at all. And some things seem to come to me over and over, and they seem pretty good. They take longer to fade, but they do, and then I'm back to facing them again.
I'm sure I've thought these things before, yet I find myself there again. What exactly is it that I put in other people? Is it faith? I don't think it's that strong. I don't even think it's a hope. It's more of an idea. I try to forget about most, but some are good. Some I really like. Yet it seems that every time the ideas are shattered.
And it's always a great mystery. I don't see myself as putting that much into them, I don't see them as mattering that much, yet the smallest things impact me so much. Even the things that shouldn't matter. At all. They still do, a lot.
And I come back to the same conundrum each time. I hate it, because it seems like both ways are dead ends. It's obvious I'm looking for something. Life is pretty bad without it, and it seems like everyone else thinks I should have it. But I can't get it. It's like I want it, but when it comes down to it, I can't say yes, I can't accept it, I can't want it. And it isn't much later that I start to want it again, wondering why I didn't take it.
I struggle to understand it, but can't. I have such a hard time accepting it, and I think it's at least partially due to trust. I don't trust anyone enough. There are too many that pretend to care, and that just makes things worse. It's like they're mocking me, saying, "hey, I'll be nice to you, and pretend to care, but I really don't."
So I draw back my standards. I try to find people that do care, even just enough to say hello. And just when I think I've got some, it's all gone.
And then I can't ask anyone to care. How could I? That would kind of defeat the purpose.
And I couldn't let them care, anyway.
And I ask, can they care? Is it possible? Even if it is, should they? Because what is there to care about? I think about it, and I'm nothing, so how could anybody care about that?
And eventually I end up feeling like I don't need anyone to care. I'm fine alone. But I know that's not true, because I miss the little glimmers of hope that I know will never last.
Sometimes I go home happy, and sometimes I go home sad. But it always goes back to the blah aloneness.

Classes

2008-09-02T22:55:00.006-05:00

When I went to the orientation for college, I came in thinking it would be pretty much a waste of time. If I had never been there before and knew nothing about it, then I think it would have been alright.
When they went over their strategies for being a successful student, they were talking about studying regularly, looking over notes, reading chapters. I was thinking, what, you actually have to try now? Amazing!
So far at least, that hasn't been the case.
Chemistry - Monday/Wednesday 12:00-14:00, Lab Tuesday 12:00-15:00 - It began like a song by Jurassic 5:

Edit.
OK, let's begin!
Compound: A substance composed of...

Actually, it took us a while to get to that point. We had to discuss what science and matter are first. And so on.
I think this class is a ridiculous waste of time for two reasons:
1. Why do I have to take this when I had the same thing in high school?
2. Why does everybody have to take this when it has nothing to do with some areas of study?
I guess that chemistry just doesn't appeal to me. It's cool, but I'm just not interested. It's not as cool as with Mr. B, and we probably won't create the [fun] havoc we did back then. I'm thinking we'll get to where that class left off. Eventually. I'm looking forward to that, and I'd rather it be boring than... well... some things.
Psychology - Tuesday/Thursday 15:30-17:00 - No homework. The first "project" is probably not as bad as some of the regular worksheets we've had in chemistry. It's interesting, though. Basically listen and be interested and study a little for the test (we'll see how that goes).
Engineering Graphics - Monday/Wednesday 15:00-17:00 - The only non-art class that you get to just draw for? Plus it's on the computer, so if you know how to type in numbers to make the lines the right length, you're good. I'm looking forward to learning how to actually do it right (and, eventually, 3D). You can get the software to use at home, so of course I did that (even though I have to run it in Vista), and that way I can do all my work at home and not have to go to class on the days he gives you to work on it.
English - Thursday 18:00-21:00 - The never-ending three-hour night class. I'm glad about two things:
1. I didn't have to take 101
2. I only need 102
It's a cool class, though. We only have three papers and we'll gradually work through each of them. It's kind of like AP Lit, except now we're writing about real stuff, not books. Our first paper is about the election. We have to pick an issue and write about it. We're also reading through a book that tells us how to write effectively. I think the hardest part has been finding an issue that I care enough about to write a big paper about. I finally settled on energy.
In chemistry lab you are kind of free to go about your business and you sort of get to know some people, as well as with the "group" activities in class. But with English I feel I get to know the people much better, because we have a lot more time to discuss things as a class or with partners (which has always been the same partner, but that's fine), and add our thoughts online (though I don't really match names online to people in the class).

Math comes next semester. We'll see how much calculus I've forgotten by then. Of course, I'll review before then. Yeah. Right.
I started a page of quotes for Heartland. I was thinking that my time there would be interesting enough that I wouldn't have to have something like that to do. I was wrong.

They block IM and mail, though, which I think is ridiculous. What's the point? If you let me get to web mail, why not IMAP/POP? And no IM? Not that I would have anyone to IM during the day, anyway (and I'm sure you can tunnel it somehow). It's not like it takes that much bandwidth. Besides, I can get oven 1 MB a second (yes, that's bytes, which means 8 Mb/s) downloads... but I have experienced getting "kicked off" during that. I'm not sure whether it's them or me, but I've had issues reconnecting at times. And my USB drive works on some computers, but claims it needs admin rights to install its software on others.

Overall college is nice, though. Even though it's been about the same waste of time that high school was, it wastes less time. I'm hoping that after first or second semester it picks up a bit.
It's kind of weird still working at the school. It's actually how I always wanted it to be, though. I get to wander around the district and get stuff done, almost no questions asked. No being stuck in classrooms waiting for the bell. And then I get to leave halfway through.

It is kind of lonely, though. The only place I really know people, I'm on my own, and, if they're not in class, neither I nor they have time to stop and chat much (unless they're in B's class, which incidentally tends to park its activities right outside the "office"). And I kind of wish I had more time to get to know them more, but I don't (as if I would actually make that happen anyway).
And then I leave for college, where I know almost nobody, but I have to spend class and downtime there.
And then I'm back home, where there is nobody.
Special ed has taken over Roach's room. Mr. B has been evicted to a different room. There are now speed bumps around the high school parking lot. Yes, the good times are over.
But you're still too late to join our fun detention.

Worst Real Estate Ads Ever

2008-04-15T16:14:00.008-05:00

I'm doing a project on Australia for government class, which must include something or other about homes in the country. Slightly surprisingly, I could not really find much by searching "Australian house." I've learned to think in the other direction... if someone were to post a picture of their house which is in Australia, what would they call it or say about it? Or where would they put it?
So I went to http://www.realestate.com.au/ and started looking for homes from 100,000 to 500,000. I found some really interesting and amusing pictures and listings. I thought I'd share a few here. All are actual pictures from that site, used as the main picture that comes up when you search.

The No Picture
Seriously, you're posting online, without a picture? When 99.99% have a picture readily available, why make the effort?

The Not Real Picture
Oh boy oh boy, it's what I've always wanted!
If it's a development site, fine, include an impression of what it should look like someday. But if it's a real house, I'd rather have a No Picture than be fed this crap.

The [Disappointing] View
If it's on the ocean or has some spectacular scenery, great. But this is a bad picture of a generic view. And you could at least wait for a clearer, sunnier day for a picture, because some of them are overcast and even gloomier.

The Aerial View / Google Earth
Roughly how many times would you say we will be approaching our house at this angle? It is almost as bad as no picture, since it's hardly relevant. The arrow makes it look like a joke.
And don't just use something off of Google Earth. I can find that on my own if I really want to see the property from above to say, "Nice roof, even though you can't see it that well?" As a primary picture, that's not a good idea.

The Obstructions
If your property has a "bush setting," I can understand some trees and such in the way. In which case a picture of a bunch of trees is not interesting here. But what are you going for, the house or the bush? It really looks like there were better vantage points than directly in front of a bush. It also looks like you're hiding something.

The Locations
It's all about location, right? Well the title for this one was the kicker; make this your new home! An empty dirt lot? No thanks... I'd like a house.

The Titles

Grab this one with both hands!

Call sercurity!

Do they mean "security?" And... that doesn't seem to be a good idea to me. Maybe it's a regional thing.

Shady home central!

Well I guess it's better than being shady seller central...

House of many uses

I guess that's good... but isn't that implied? They said it was a retail plant business and coffee shop... I end up just thinking it very used.

The Edge of Reason

2008-04-01T21:57:00.002-05:00

I guess I'll begin with the general stuff.
Let's see, what has happened since I last posted?
I think this semester is better as far as school goes. Which is really ironic when I think about it (more on that later). Band has been fine. I got a day out of school to go play in the honors band. It was a long day that reminded me of band camp, without knowing everyone and without the heat and the sun and the outside. I enjoyed the challenge (as usual), though I felt I didn't do as well as anyone else in the first row (why I was put there, I do not know).

The saxophone is God's instrument.

Are you the only one playing there?
It appears so.

You learn your music on your own. Rehearsal is for learning other people's music.

Two schools just didn't show up, but we managed like 140 people anyway.
WYSE has been good. I've had a lot of fun and not gotten in trouble for trailing things from the bus window. But we did get in trouble (not by Mr. B, but almost literally) for taping two people together. I felt more prepared than last year, especially with English, but I think that it was much harder than last year.

Evidently the dinosaurs OD'd on plant drugs.

We even got a tunnel, and the whole team gets to go to state, which is great. I even got to miss two school days in a row for WYSE and then the honors band (and evidently a few other people did, too).
Math is alright. Each new lesson seems like it's beyond me, but I finally get it. I haven't been doing as well as I'd like on my tests, though. I can find the answer... it just isn't always on the first try. Maybe I should work on that. Having a history teacher for a week wasn't that bad, though.
Spanish has been fine. I miss the sub we had when Sra was gone for like 3 months, but it's good to have Sra back. It's fun and easy as usual.

It's Tex-o-Mex-o, not Mex-o-straight-up-o.

AP Lit has been alright. I like the things we discuss (well, some of them), and I found some more respect for the teacher.
Yearbook has been really interesting. My strategy of "ignore the problem and hopefully it will go away" didn't work too well and my grade took a huge dive. Luckily it's a really lenient class, so it's on the up and up now. I just have to find a baseball game that's not cancelled or at the same time as something I have to go to.
PE is still great. They decided to have a DDR unit, and I'm just glad it wasn't mandatory. I've never done it (I don't think, I'm not sure), but I really just don't like the style. And evidently:
If DDR = acceptable Then;
Import video-games
GuitarHero = acceptable
EndIf
They also went and looked up cheat codes. The first day they unlocked "Monkey-Head Crowd" just fine, but couldn't get all the songs unlocked. The second day we got some people that were able to do it. So I played that once, and waited to play it for the rest of the days. Because that's how I roll. And instead of doing nothing like I could have, I stress-tested a couple of the workout machines. They did fine. But it's not entirely safe to do with only one foot...
Government is great still. I really enjoyed mock trials. I was surprised (pleasantly, I guess) at the outcome of the trial I was a lawyer for, and shocked at the outcome of the trial I was defendant for. THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE, I TELL YOU!!!!
So now it's off to law, and then countries.
Luckily by then that's the only real class I will have, because:
Band = over after May 6
Math = over after May 8
Spanish = not real class
AP Lit = over after May 7
Yearbook = over after April 30
PE = not real class
Study Hall = not real class
Government = always real class
So yeah. DI has been interesting. We have finally started to really understand what we're supposed to do (I think), and looking forward to going to state. I'm looking forward to WYSE, too.
Oh, and my job. Despite the fact that I have to get up at 0500 every morning to be at work by 0600, I really like it, and even that fact isn't so bad. I learned more in the first month than I thought I would all year. I've gotten great experience (including bad experiences, but they're good for learning). Plus I've made some money.
Linux is awesome as usual. I think they've added some more plugins for the effects. I finally figured out how to get transparent window borders (like Vista, but not, since you can do so much better). Plus I think that the new background is the most awesome default background ever (even though I won't use it). I broke my really nice LCD... it fell face first into a pyramidal paper weight. And I guess the bigger hard drive that I put in failed within a month so I had to move back to the one I had in the first place. A bit of a waste of time there, but that's not new in my computer exploits.

So, about the reason I wrote this in the first place. Which I've kind of forgotten by now. Maybe I did that on purpose.
A certain post went out to me. And first of all, thank you.
I guess I expected it but didn't at the same time. I didn't expect the source, either, though, looking back, it makes perfect sense. Sometimes I'm a very confused individual. I've partially been hoping for something like this to happen. But I don't really like it. That sounds very familiar to me. It's like hiding, but on a bigger scale.
But, as usual, there is a touch of reality to it.
I think that this year started well but fell flat eventually. I guess I'll be real about it here. I just lost my direction and reason in life. It gradually slipped away from me. Jessica's been so busy with work and school that we hardly ever see each other. She will say that it's not entirely on her end, and I will say that that is true. There are other problems, though, and I think it's just the darkness.
It's been bad at times. I lost all hope. I felt insignificant and useless. I seriously considered my options. I would like to quote a book here. I really identified with this:

I have wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamor, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary.
from Heart of Darkness, by Joseph Conrad

I decided that the reason they don't let you bring anything dangerous to school is so you can't hurt yourself.
I decided, though, (obviously?) against it. At least temporarily, for this or that.
What happened was a deep re-questioning of my life, and my faith did not stand up.
If I have not responded to the aforementioned post, I respond to it now. I posted what I felt. What was true. I don't know what you're referring to specifically. Maybe we should talk more about this. But I know what you address in general. And partially I said it to be heard.
So that's how I felt. I lost my way. I was faced with the size and complexity and darkness of the world I saw. I didn't see how I could continue.
It seems like no one reall cares. But that's a lame excuse, and it's not true. Obviously people do. There has to be something else to it.
I am finding myself much closer to hope again. My faith was never really real to me, and I think I knew that. Especially at the end. And I guess what I've learned, is, if it doesn't seem real, relevant, pertinent, then I need to reevaluate it, because I must have some misunderstanding.
I would love to find all the answers, to figure everything out. But that's more of a life goal that still will never be reached (it's more of a philosophy), and if I wait on it, I will never move forward.
And the answer does lie in that search for the answers, and the frequent lack thereof. It's how you seek them that matters. And I'm not thinking I really want to take that on alone.

And The Point Is...?

2007-12-04T20:38:00.000-06:00

It seems like everything is screwed up right now. The school computer has a fast processor, but can only handle the 256 MB stick, and thinks it's 220 MB, so it's sluggish. The 80GB hard drive went bad... it's fine, but certain parts of it end up sending out I/C errors. So I had to switch back to the 60 GB drive, and now I have to figure out how to get all of my files figured out between that and the backup. The monitor seems to be based on temperature, and now it's too cold to ever look right. I might try some insulation...
Firefox won't auto login to a lot of sites that it should and used to, Rhythmbox won't crossfade and has weird skips that it shouldn't, and Warzone 2100 won't load saved games (makes campaigns almost impossible). And evidently you can't [easily] network boot a computer on wireless.
Band is okay. It's a bit scary. I think my playing test went well, but due to issues with the recorder and kids not playing yet, the results are out. A third of me wants to win, a third of me wants to get second, and a third of me doesn't care. Math is okay, getting harder. Our teacher is out still from surgery, and so we haven't done much besides self-instructed work. English is crazy. Three of us in the class are on thin ice, so the theory is that if one of us breaks it, we all fall in. So evidently that's their plan. And we're discussing Othello, which I've read a few pages and the Cliff Notes on. That class makes me sometimes enlightened but usually confused. I am really ready to not have that class anymore. In photography I was able to help with making images transparent, but now we are doing a project. While the rest of the class cut out pictures from newspapers earlier, I was helping to scan drawings. So while they all finished their projects yesterday, I looked for pictures. I found some great ones, but when I came to class today, they were gone. Evidently they didn't get with the ones from other people, so I had to find more. I just went ahead and did it to get it done and over it so nothing else can happen to it (yeah, right). PE is boring. All we do is be active with basketballs. No direction, which is kind of okay. And as much as I have asthma, I'd still like to actually do something. Study hall is a small break. In government, we have an open note test coming. A lot of people seem worried, which is weird, because it's the easiest test we've had with that teacher, and they can't even just get the notes they can use on the test.
Scholastic Bowl is doing better. Aside from misreading two of David's answers and one of my own, we were able to pull off some lucky answers, such as the first names of 3 supreme court justices. Of the four, we missed Kennedy. But our first calculus question in the year, and it's something we don't know how to do. Related knowledge and guessing got two parts, though. We seemed to always have "derivative" questions last year, and now that we know how to do those, we get none.
The Chicago trip was fun. We got to see some great art, and some by artists we learned about last year. The snow started out nice, but the sleet wasn't. We ended up coated in ice. There was one street corner that took a while to traverse, because it was so icy that the strong wind blew us back. But we did find 5 pesos.
I keep getting the sense that everyone is cold and uncaring. I feel isolated and alone, ignored. Nothing I do works or has any effect. No one cares. What is real? What matters? So much of it doesn't. So much of it is meaningless. And I feel that there's something out there, an answer to it all, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that it will be mildly entertaining to watch my world fall apart, slowly.
So... yeah. Ashes.

Empty Error

2007-10-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

I have always had fun in marching band, and always been sad when it ended. Since this was my last year, it's a bit harder. Concert band will be interesting... the music seems really easy, and so will the chair tests.
Math is getting crazier. I really hope we don't need to memorize all of the trig identities.
Spanish is the same. Really weird, but we go plenty slowly.
English... oh yes, oh dear, AP Lit... Paper Friday, read a book by around then... those Free Response tests... my participation grade is probably an F right now. I still have a lot of negative feelings about searching for "meaning" in literature. I still like pictures better. I'm still very skeptical. J-Unit is still crazy.
Yearbook is fun. We don't do much, and it's cool to be designing the yearbook.
Senior PE is great. I think it's what PE should be. Not too hard, not too much pressure, U opportunities. I really enjoyed the trip to the "trust course."
Study hall is good. It's funny sometimes.
Government... the Illinois constitution won't be as hard as the federal. And then the presidents...

The musical is going well. I have my usual more-than-extra, less-than-lead role with just enough lines to make me have to study a bit to memorize them.

The cookout was great. The camera flash saved me so many times. I had a lot of fun and even got a few good pictures.

I hooked up the fast computer after replacing another round of capacitors, and it booted great. It's so much faster than my current setup. Except that it would always freeze about 15 seconds after booting to the desktop, leaving no errors in syslog. I tested the capacitors I had just put on, and it said that same are just as bad as the old ones. I don't know what's wrong. I want to buy a new motherboard if it's just that that's wrong, but I'm not sure that it's not the processor.

The latest version of Ubuntu, Gutsy Gibbon, was released last week. I'm waiting until I have time (this weekend?) to switch to a bigger hard drive and reinstall with the new version.
I have a lot of quotes to add, too.

I must say that I have been quite unimpressed with the behavior of myself and those around me. The more I start to respect anyone, something happens to make me lose that respect for them. Though I have to admit I'm no different.
I agreed with Peter's silent protest at the band banquet. I think almost everything in high school is backwards.
Why is the focus on the seniors? It's like the kids on the bus that are mean to the little kids because that's how they remember being treated. How does that work? That then the little kids grow up to do the same? Great plan.
The seniors want to think that they're better than everyone else. Then again, they talk about how the freshmen think that. Everyone seems to think like that. Being a senior is just an excuse to pretend it's true.
What if we reversed that and put the emphasis on the freshmen? Then they'd get it their first year, and after that they could give it back to the underclassmen. They wouldn't be waiting their whole high school career to be a senior and be "on top."
The whole mentoring program we have? If we reversed the system, it would replace that. Everyone would help the freshmen, because they'd be the focus. Instead of having senior awards, have freshmen awards; look who we are gaining rather than look who's leaving next year. Instead of coming together at the end right before you have to go your separate ways, come together at the beginning so that you can be together all through high school. Make them feel honored to begin with, not wait and suffer until that time.
Graduation is enough of a reward in itself. All the other "senior honors" are ridiculous. Even the graduation is of ridiculous proportions.

I feel that I've done a better job of opening up and talking, and there are some places that I'm hoping to go with that. It's hard, because some days seem to abound in opportunities and others are nearly devoid. And sometimes I'm just horrible.

I could go into more detail on some of this, but I guess this is all for now.

Electronic

2007-10-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

I've had some pretty bad luck as far as my electronics go lately...
It all started with the camera. The two-month-new camera. I had it in photography class (a little bit of a coincidence), and then I turned it on like every time before, but it vibrated for about 4 seconds before coming on. That's not what it's supposed to do. So of course I'm thinking, "Great, I broke it already." Luckily, it still worked as far as I could tell. I knew it had to be the Super SteadyShot function that "shakes" or moves the CCD to clean it or stabilize the image respectively. I looked it up in the manual (another coincidence that what we went over in class that day was reading the manual and troubleshooting), and I found out that that function was not functioning. So I had to send it in to have it fixed. It was under warranty, but I really missed having it.
I think next came the headphones. The last pair of the little ones that I had I broke. I was trying to clean the left earpiece, and the speaker front broke off, and that ear never worked again. This time, I was listening to it on the bus when suddenly the sound got raspy and quieter. The next time I listened to it it was fine again for a little bit before going raspy. I thought that it was my flash player that was breaking, but I realized that it's just the headphones. They were a really nice set, but at least they're cheap.
I think the biggest annoyance of all was this motherboard I got from school. I powered it up the first time and tooled through the BIOS, and it appeared to be a very nice one. Just as I was going to save it, though, it froze. The BIOS is not supposed to freeze. I didn't know if it was something I did or what, and it didn't boot back up again. Frustrated but perseverant, I took a good look at the motherboard. I noticed the big capacitors all had yellow-brown stuff coming out of the tops. I didn't think that was supposed to happen, and I was right. I learned all about the whole bad capacitors fiasco, and that I'd have to replace them. My ambitious self decided to get right to it. I found a place to get some computer grade capacitors and set about getting the old ones off. They went fine until the last two, where I was unable to get a hole through the solder. I tried heating up a pin to push through, but it went nowhere. I then tried touching that pin. Oops. Yeah, it was hot. At least it was only a pin head. I did eventually get them cleaned out with some help, though. When the new ones came, I was very excited. I then put them ones in, powered it up, and it just sat there with the fan running. I tried again and again until the fan didn't come on. After all that work, I had gone backwards. So I set it aside for a while. I switched to a faster computer and came back to it later. This time it worked again (something about actually attaching the power switch), and I was able to run a live CD and then shut down without problems (unless you call the horrible onboard graphics a problem, which I don't, because I've got the GeForce FX 5200 to put in). I was surprised, and switched to the new computer, only to find that after that it again refused to do anything after powering on. So I had to switch back again to the other computer. I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work. Somewhere in here I decided to test it again, and it wouldn't turn on. So I tried again, and it did, but it started smoking. After intense calculation on the issue I decided to use the 5-second hard off instead of the 1-second unplug. I found that I had just set the RAM in the slot without really seating it... backwards. It turns out that this aligns the power connections with non-power connections, resulting in the connection actually burning out. And that's how I fried my first stick of RAM. I'm going to use it for bling. I tested the other capacitors on the board and found them ranging from bad to ridiculous. I'll try replacing those and hope that, A: I haven't fried/broken anything else on this board since it worked, and 2: that's all that it needs to work.
Still feeling isolated. Still feeling a bit hopeless.
I guess I'll update the quotes tomorrow. We've got practice pretty much every day until the musical in November, so that'll be fun, since I can neither dance nor sing. We've also got a few marching band things coming up, too. I really don't think we're as good this year as we were last year. And then SchoBo starts. We've also got 5 different projects due during approximately that time period. Yay.

Depth of Connection

2007-09-22T14:06:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how often I plan to update this as far as blogs go...
I guess not much has really gone on lately...
In general news, I'm learning to type on a Dvorak keyboard. It's fairly slow going, and I'm not sure how much it's worth it, but I think it could make a difference at least part of the time.
I'm still enjoying band at church. I like the music, and it's my only chance to play with other people, which is great practice and experience.
In band, we need to learn the last song of our marching show for Saturday. I'm faking it... hopefully that will change by then.
AP Calc is going pretty well this year. There are some things that leave me very confused, but overall I'm doing well. I think that forgetting to turn in two assignments so far this year has been a little motivation to try harder. I try to understand everything, because that's really what you have to do.
Spanish is the same. I think it's a bit easier. It's a bit confusing with all of the tenses, though.
AP Lit? I'm very confused. I think our teacher knows about English and analysis and writing, but I've concluded that all language teachers are crazy. He pretty much has (and will have) us read stories with tones of horror. I think we're learning, but he has a really odd method of teaching. I'm trying to have some respect for him, but he's such a narcissist. I can tell when he switches from "sound smart" to "sound cool." It's entertaining... I guess it's a good preparation for college in a few ways. I'm also doing very well in it. Except with the poetry we're doing on Monday...
Yearbook is an interesting class. It's been a bit boring so far, because I'm in the group of first year students. I already know how a camera works (how could I have something, especially that I love, that I wouldn't know how it works?), and I know how to do everything my camera does (same deal). I'm kind of glad that I get to switch to the advanced class, but at the same time I'll be a bit lost for a while. Taking pictures is fun, and any opportunity to do that is welcome. Unfortunately the image stabilization broke randomly, and it's been sent off to be fixed.
Senior PE is fun, too. As with everything else, I think the mentality of it all is a bit backwards, but I'm glad I'm in it.
I'm glad I have a study hall, too. Even though I try to be hard core, when I have a lot to do some days, I'm glad to have it.
Government is great. It's challenging, but not too much. We have fun and learn at the same time.
And that 9th hour is the same as study hall, except not as useful.

I think what I've been dealing with lately and keep coming back to is my feeling of isolation. I've said before that people's pictures, like other art, is expressive of who they are, even if they may not have total control over what they find. I noticed that I like pictures with a narrow depth of field where only the subject is in focus. Isolated and alone. I feel cut off from everyone, unable to connect with them or really get to know them. I like to be there and listen, but as far as interaction is concerned, not exist. Lately I've seen some hopeful progress away from this, but I hope for more.
Things can't be perfect. If I wait until I'm comfortable going public, it won't happen. I need to step out, and I will learn on the way. Time goes quickly, and I need to make the most of it. I'll make mistakes, but I have to deal with that. I'm too afraid of that.

This Sentence No Verb

2007-08-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

I've been both too busy and too lazy to post so far this summer. I guess I can try to give some sort of account of it, now that it's pretty much over.
I enjoyed our trip to Colorado. It was great to be in Denver again, and Breckenridge was beautiful. There were more flowers than I could (or wanted to) take pictures of. The mountains were great; we really didn't get to see them last summer. We had some great views from Breckenridge, and we drove through Rocky Mountain National Park, which had some even better views. We also got to go out to Great Sand Dunes National Park and Preserve, which was another change in scenery. We got to go through a couple galleries of local photographers, which was interesting. I would definitely like to go back and see more. My dA has the pictures (the best of them, at least) from it. I'm really happy with how the panoramas are turning out (finally).
Once I got back it took a while to go through all of the pictures. I finally got the right tools installed to make panoramas like I want to, so I did most of the ones from this year and a few from last year that I had waiting around. I still don't have them all done, but I guess I'll do one every once in a while.
I also went through and sorted all of my pictures, which actually didn't take too long, and I'm glad I did it.
I got my new camera, too. I kind of wish I had had it in Colorado, but I think it was good to have some more experience with the older one, and there are a couple shots that I couldn't have gotten with the new one. I'm really happy with it. It's got manual everything... more than I am willing to mess with, really. It's bigger and heavier than similar cameras, but it feels better. It's also got 10 megapixels, which brings out some great detail and lets me get some good crops. The pictures are also decent enough to use as desktops now. Of course, now I'm wanting a telephoto lens for it... I'm not sure when that will happen.
I installed FS2002 again, after solving some lost drive space issues. My USB joystick hasn't worked very well for a long time, but the old gameport one works great. It has force feedback, too, which is interesting. It doesn't have as many buttons, but I was never able to remember what all of the ones on the USB one did, anyway.
However, the secondary computer has been having more issues. I've figured out that the hard drive stops working. When I was making panoramas, I found out that it would have disk problems and then reboot, losing any progress it had made. With FS, if I leave it alone for too long, when I come back, it will have disk problems. The light flashes and the disk clicks, but only once a second over and over before blue-screening to tell me it has disk writing errors. I have to reboot to fix it.
Also, the monitor has been getting worse. It used to only blink out for less than a second, but it's totally blinked out twice now. Percussive maintenance works, of course, but that's how I broke the last one. Also, one time, it blinked into this weird rainbow mess thing. I took a picture of it. I'm trying not to use it too much now.
My Linux box, however, is running great. The LCD only has one dead pixel, and everything is working. I haven't had any dramatic failures or large problems. It's running quite smooth and fast (except when I run out of RAM), and I hope that this continues as the school year starts.
I ended up at the Harry Potter party somehow. I read a bit about The Gimp, as well as reading a lot of In Our Time. After that more of our friends showed up and we talked and read from bathroom readers. I think I did much better at not getting all dark there. I could have easily, but for some reason, I didn't.
That weekend, my dad and I helped at the airshow. The autograph tent is great, because it's in the shade, there's a great view of the show (front row seats, pretty much), and it's not that hard (usually). It's also really cool to meet the performers. It does make a long day, though. We had to be there at 0800 (after almost an hour's drive) and we left around 1800. I took my camera on Sunday and took a bunch of pictures. I still haven't gotten through them all. I'll deviate some when I do.
Band camp is the most recent notable thing. I think that overall it went well. Pre-camp was interesting. I went from being with one clarinet to also having two freshmen to also having another. The week started great, but by the end I lost that. Band camp was good, too. Last year I remember my thermometer read 105 or 110, and this year it was 90, 95, 100, and 100 over the four days. At least people weren't obnoxiously asking me what the temperature was every half hour. It was hot, though, especially with the humidity on Thursday.

It's so hot.

It hadn't been so bad before then. It didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to, but I think it was pretty good anyway. It's always nice to have more time with my friends and everyone else and get to know some of the freshmen before the year starts.
Six Flags was nice. It was hot. In the shade. Ladies. After marching and playing, we stopped to play what we knew of the show, and I was dripping sweat. I did see some friends there, though. And afterwards, it was nice. There were pretty butterflies everywhere, and the lines weren't too bad. We rode the mine train, the log flume, the train, Scooby Doo, and Tony Hawk twice, in addition to watching a science-oriented show about film-making. They used a Mac for the effects, which were cool. Of course, it was a bit over-done, but I liked it. We also looked in various shops.
In other news, we've got a bit of a carpenter ant invasion. As with a lot of things that most people would see as negative, I kind of like it. I get to run a campaign against them, denying them use of our basement and disrupting their activities. I don't get to go around and kill targets too often. It's also interesting to observe them; where they go, how they react to things.
I finished In Our Time and started Frankenstein. I need to get that done before next week. I also need to do the rest of the math.
Now, I've been distant, lost, and confused. I'm not sure which way to go. It should really be more obvious, but for some reason, it isn't. And rather than choose a side, I'm stuck in the middle with the worst of both worlds. I keep hoping that this will clear, but it hasn't. There are plenty of distractions to put off thinking about it, and not enough catalysts to spur on action. There are so many things on my mind about this year... where will I go to college? How will my classes be this year? Will I have too much homework? What's with the "Senior Play"? And what about the fall musical? And marching band? And praise band? Will I have time? And what about photography and flying and the small things I like to do? How will I feel when Jessica goes back to school? Will I have any time to see her? What about all of least year's seniors that will be gone?
Who will I choose to be? Will I choose to change anything? I definitely know I want to. What will I change? Will it matter? Will it be enough?
Why am I still alive? What keeps me going?
I don't know where to start with that mess. It gets worse, too.
I'm not sure if I'll continue the quotes this year. I think I will, but I'll have to see.
I'm both excited and worried about this school year. I'm excited to go back and see everyone and find out what the classes will be like. I'm also worried about seeing everyone and finding out what the classes will be like. And I'm not looking forward to the senior situation. A bit, yes, but mostly, no.
Of course there could be much more. Either I don't remember it or I don't feel like writing it here. So until next time, whenever that may or may not be, adios.

Therefore, I tell you, don’t be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

For when I am weak, then am I strong.

Free Hugs

2007-06-01T01:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a really long time... I'll see what I remember.
Well WYSE turned out great. I ended up going to State on both tests. Though I narrowly made it on English, I was only 5/100 points away from the person in sixth place. In the graphics test, it was more like 10/40 away, but at least I know there's room for improvement on that one.
The DI story is very similar. We won Regionals and State and got to go to Globals. I'll get to that later on.
Over spring break I went to help the technology person at another school. I got some basic experience with Windows server management... at least acquainted.
Robin Hood was great. I really enjoyed the whole thing. I'm looking forward to the senior production.
Band finished well. I liked the music, and I'll miss the people that won't be there next year. Like most of the clarinets.
Physics Day was fun. We rode a bus to Six Flags in Gurnee. Since Physics Day was a special event, the lines were really short, and we rode a bunch of rides. There were a couple instances of irony. One was the "Ragin' Cajun" with "Beauregard's General Store" right next to "Yankee Harbor." The other was the guy in the MS Office shirt meeting me in my Linux shirt.
The ride back was really long because of traffic and construction. It took a couple hours just to get past Chicago. Even though it had been about 60 all day, the bus got really hot. We stopped at a Potbelly where a guy was playing. He ended up sending us a free CD.
Sometimes my spontaneity gets me in trouble. I decided to try some different video drivers on my computer. I ended up with a situation in which I could use neither version of the driver I needed. The kernel called for one version, but a different one was installed. Yet I couldn't install the right version because the kernel had some "rivafb" enabled. I was planning in reloading everything anyway, so it was alright. I got everything back on after a lot of messing around with email and passwords. It also gave me space for a couple more GB of music.
Current library 13212 songs from 1205 albums by 2816 artists, totaling 38 days, 14 hours, and 11 minutes for 42.6 GB. I ran across the new Relient K album, which has some really good songs on it, as well as the bands Apocalyptica and Stratovarius.
Then came Globals. I really didn't know what to expect, but it was amazing. So many DI people in one place. We left at 0730 on Tuesday and got there that afternoon to get all checked in and moved in. On the ride there, Dylan and I rode with Meghann and her mom. I watched The Ringer, and listened to music and studied during the ride. Like I've said, I don't get bored. When we got to our apartment, Dylan found a cockroach in the bedroom, so he decided to sleep in the living room and let me have the bedroom. That was the last one we saw (except for the zoo). That night, Dylan and I wandered down to the aquatic center that was right across from our apartments. We threw a Frisbee and water football back and forth and then shot water guns at bugs. Our attempts to quadruple-wield did not work well. The girls came over so we shot the guns at them, too, before finally going to bed. I had some trouble getting to sleep, so I listened to music, and it helped. I got to sleep fine the rest of the nights.
The next day we didn't have anything scheduled, so we traded pins and looked around. We also went swimming that afternoon. Dylan and I pretty much just moved around finding free space. We also met a few kids. It all started when this little kid came up and wanted to know if he could ask me something, so I said sure.

Will you go out with me?
[Long, confused pause] Um, no.
Liar.

In a little while he returned. He wanted to know if I thought that girl over there was hot. I answered something neutral. He talked to us a little more. He wanted to know if he was annoying, and we told him that he wasn't. He was funny, really. He later came back with two girls. One of them was the one he had mentioned, and she apologized for his craziness. We established that Dylan was Nobody and I was Somebody. After that we left, and on our way out showed them our name tags... but I don't think they remembered that over our previous aliases.
I might as well mention another little happening here. We were in the elevator heading down and a couple people got on. The woman was not in a good mood.

...I did not come all this way to have my kids treat me like crap... I'm this close to just going home...
[man looks around at us astonished and comments about her outbursts]
I don't care, I don't know these people.

Opening Ceremony was that night, and it was cool to see all the countries there. The fireworks were cool, too. Dylan was our team representative, and after finding him afterwards, we all went back to the apartment and had a team meeting. Evidently the "no plastic allowed, etc." applied to not only our materials for the skit but also the containers they were in. Our nicely organized plastic bins couldn't come with us. We had enough boxes and bags, and it also helped our manager clean up after us. Our challenge was early the next day, and it went well. Even though we didn't quite finish and missed the senses we had to highlight, we had fun with it.
The wedding tradition in Russia is that the bride and groom are not called by their names and stay somewhere else while a stand-in couple takes their place. This is to prevent evil spirits from finding them. Dylan had a sign on that said "I'm not the bride," which he wore for the rest of the day, getting some interesting comments.

Yes you are!

Then who is the bride?

Always the bridesmaid, right?

You're not the bride?
Not yet, at least...

That night was the costume party. Dylan had his showgirl dress on, and I wore some cool purple fabric like a skirt with black-and-white checkers like some sort of shirt and a leathery-type thing as a cloak along with my felt hair. There were some great costumes there, including a Halo character, crayons, and newspaper dresses. There were also two groups where one person was graham crackers, another was chocolate, another marshmallow, and then a last one more graham crackers, and they walked around as s'mores. We ended up playing tennis for most of the party, which was fun. I saw an OH-58, which was totally unexpected. I don't think I've ever seen one before. The band at the party was cool. I thought the guy sounded like Jimmy Buffet, and the bass player was pretty good and played a six-string. I think it was that night that we watched Accepted, which was hilarious. It had a lot of the little things that I laugh at, as well as some more outright humor.
The next day we had our instant challenge. We checked in, Dylan lost his glasses, and we went in. First, though, we did a penguin cheer. They said that penguins know how to keep cool... well yeah, they live in Antarctica. It's staying warm while swimming through the water and walking across the ice in blizzards that they're good at. Maybe the ones in southern Africa and South America and Australia and New Zealand kind of do... anyway, the instant challenge was crazy. We had two groups. One group had 30 seconds to act out a word to the other group. The other group had to guess what was being acted out and come up with a word that rhymed with it. There was no talking allowed during any of it. I think the girls did the best, since we got one and a half of theirs and ours pretty much turned into inside jokes.

Couchin'!

After the challenge was a "Ta-Da," which I really don't understand very much. We did the same thing that we opened our skit with, and another group did the Harry Potter and the Mysterious Ticking Noise, minus the ticking noise. Later that day, Meghann and Dylan went to the pool with "Free Hugs" signs. I took a few pictures until the batteries died on my camera. The reactions were great. Total ignorance, excitement, happiness, suspicion, surprise, disgust... pretty much everything. Dylan got picked up once. After that we all went back to the apartments and got ready for the party later that night. I made a sign, too, and Dylan and Meghann took theirs. Dylan and I parked right next to a really bright light. It was great fun. We got a lot of hugs, including a group that quietly surrounded us and then rushed in in a big group hug. There was also the girl with a pizza box that said "Free Sex" that had a picture taken with Dylan and almost led him away. Also was the girl that borrowed my sign, and the guy that could solve a Rubix cube in under a minute, the guy that complimented my Linux shirt, the person from the team with "Baby Penguin," who evidently looked exactly like Tux, and the ones that kept coming back.
The next day we went to the instant challenge area while the managers went to the "Clubhouse" for massages. We did the Really Big Duct Tape Thing, on which they wouldn't let us put the 15-foot tree branch I had picked up. It made nice portable shade, and I ended up bringing it all the way back to the courtyard near our apartments. One police officer was a suspicious, but he let it go. We decided to go to the zoo, so Dylan and I brought our signs. We found out that the people at DI are a lot nicer than the ones at the zoo, especially since the patrons there were predominantly parents with their 1- to 6-year-olds. We did get some, though. It was good to see the penguins and then the chameleon.
That night was the Closing Ceremony. It took a long time to announce 6 teams (plus ties and special awards) for three levels of five challenges (plus a few fourth-level teams). One guy sat behind us and complained the whole time while another tried to start the wave, which didn't spread past our little section. When one group from Colorado passed by us, Dylan got on camera with his "Free Hugs" sign. After the fireworks at the end was the last party. Dylan and I both had our signs, and Laura brought one, too. We all stood in a line to welcome the people arriving. There were quite a few takers. At times people joined our line, including a guy dressed in a white suit, skull mask, sunglasses, and hat, as well as Superman and a kid from Mexico. The Mexican had a piece of wood with "Free Hugs" on it, and he was really good at going around and getting hugs. He traded his blanket for a state shirt. While standing there Laura got a cool necklace thing and $1.25, and Dylan and I traded our hats and the rest of the pins we had with us. I got a plastic British flag hat (from the UK) and Dylan got a light-up jester hat (from Ohio). I also got a free funnel cake (a bit crunchy) at the very beginning. The people from Asia took a lot of pictures with us. It was fun to just have an excuse to stand there and watch people. A bunch of little kids were slamming soda cans into the ground and trying to spray each other. Other kids were throwing water on each other. I guess this contributed to the depletion of the drink tub of everything but Sprite and Diet Coke. So people gathered around it to root around for the odd Coke and to dunk their heads in. Eventually some of them tried to overturn it, but found it too heavy. Finally the staff guys showed up with water to throw in. The same girl came and borrowed my sign again, and when she gave it back, her name tag was with the sign. She didn't ask for it back, so Dylan kept it. Eventually as the party wound down it started a steady rain, and we all left. Dylan was told consistently that he gives really good hugs, and one girl kept coming back. He met her in the lobby of our apartment building and they stayed talking while Laura and I went up to the room. Evidently he went up to their room and they all talked for a while into the morning.
The next morning was the day we had to leave. We packed everything up and headed back using a different route to avoid Indianapolis and its 500. Meghann rode with the rest of everyone since Claire had flown back for her brother's graduation. Dylan and I were extremely unexciting, so Meghann's mom summoned her back to our vehicle to provide some levity. We didn't watch any movies, but I did study some more. I don't get bored, but at least with our family, it was always the last 5 or 10 percent of the trip where we got out of control. I listened to music and played with the pole from the pirate flag, which kept me occupied until we got home.
I really miss all of the people from our team and being around so many other DI kids. It's kind of hard to come back to pretty much no school, nobody around, no one but my sister that was at Globals.
The finals overall turned out better than I expected.
Wow, I really do need that shirt that says, "I'm blogging this."
Next, I tried to run the following command on a different computer:

sudo rm -rf /etc/ssh/*

After a little miscommunication, essentially the following command ran (no joke):

sudo rm -rf /

Luckily it hit some problems, but it had already trashed pretty much every package on the system. Luckily, Linux kept pushing on. Even though some of the programs were missing a lot of files, I was able to back up 15 GB of stuff from it (over the course of a day or so). It had so many dependency problems after I finally fixed aptitude that I just reloaded it. I've got files shared between the server and the XP computer better than ever, but the rest of it is still pretty bad. Hopefully I'll have time to sort that out this summer.
Hopefully I'll have time to sort a lot of things out this summer. I'll have AP Calc and Lit stuff to work on, I guess. I'll work on getting some deviations up from DI, and maybe some other ones from longer ago...
So until next time...

Stay away from the grits...

Falling In The Black

2007-03-05T22:42:00.000-06:00

Well I got a really nice monitor with a slight problem for free. Now comes the hurdle of getting a dual-monitor system to work. I'm thinking my 4MB video cards may be a little old to do it... not to mention that in the process the computer I used to use now turns on power and then does absolutely nothing. Luckily I have an equivalent backup system I've reverted to.

It's odd how something can bother me for a long time before I really understand the whole of it.
I realized that especially lately I've felt very distant from everyone. Movie nights are great, and it really helps me feel a lot closer to my friends. Since people are so busy now, we haven't had that for a while.
Jessica is far away, and though there are some reprieves from that, there isn't really an end anywhere soon. Everyone else that's closer still seems far away. Either because soon they'll be moving further away, or they don't seem that close, or there are things between us. And there aren't very many that are very close at all.
Something that's odd is that math class is great. When I've been having a bad day for one reason or another, I forget about it in math class. It doesn't bother me there. Once I get to lunch, though, it's back.
I forget that I'm loved. I come to see everything as fairly cold and indifferent.
I think that people are right that I'm someone that goes around and just holds it all in. The thing that they have wrong is that I don't explode... I implode.
Life passes by. Moments come and go. It's hard to focus on the fact that good moments do come and bad moments do go.
There's so much I don't understand. All I can do is trust.

Skillet - Falling Inside The Black

Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
Don't leave me here so cold
Never want to be so cold

Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time

Don't leave me alone
Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone, I'm

Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back

Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the black
Falling inside falling inside the black

You were my source of strength
I've traded everything
That I love for this one thing
Stranded in the offering
Don't leave me here like this
Can't hear me scream from the abyss
And now I wish for you my desire

Don't leave me alone cause I barely see at all

Observations

2007-03-05T22:03:00.000-06:00

Why is it that it's a bad thing to study much? Why do people think accusing someone of studying is a bad thing? Am I the only one that thinks that's ridiculous?
The attention of the world is focused on entirely the wrong things for wrong reasons for the majority of the time. I don't want that attention, of course. I love avoiding it and contradicting it. But it's still completely backwards who gets the recognition for what.
It's amazing how much importance we tend to put on the opinions of others. The acceptance of others overrules the morality or justice of so many things.
It's also surprising how many times things are broken because nobody thinks it's their "job" to fix it. It must be their job to wander around reading books and deciding to give everyone candy bars at lunch.

He's decided to give you candy bars today. So you can thank him for that. He's, uh, yeah... delicious almonds... yummy in your tummy.

So that's what he does. I always wondered, and now we know that he just wants to give away 10-pound chocolate bars. I'm so glad that probably doesn't come out of his salary.
They get too caught up in the process and what everyone else will see or think rather than thinking about what they're really supposed to accomplish. Such as being so strict on the grading system and the competition therein, yet totally disregarding actual education. The point becomes not to accomplish anything (learn) but how to hit the benchmark (get a good grade).
It seems we'd rather give other people crap and criticize them than do anything else.
And people act like total jerks, and that gets them accepted. It's like being friends is being mean to people frequently, including each other. And if you won't be arrogant and mean with me, I'll just be arrogant and mean to you.
I wonder how society decides what's cool and interesting and what's boring and uncool. When something new appears, how do they know whether to adopt it or ignore it or attack it? It would be interesting to find the people of influence that dictate those things. I think source has something to do with it. They seem to tend to act justified and good in denouncing things I do. Sometimes they're partially right, but sometimes they're not. And then they turn around and do their own things, which sometimes really deserve some criticism.
I think we're all the same, essentially. We each do our own evil in different ways and our own good in different ways.
Thursday was interesting for me. Sometimes things seem quite random and without much pattern, but today seemed to say something. There are three people that make me confused. I don't know how to respond to them. They seem to conflict with other things inside of me, yet agree with other things, and I don't know how that should be resolved. I think that a lot of days I leave with some more confusion to add to the pile yet no more answers than before. Today, though, I noticed something. The first two people left me in unrest, looking for answers and feeling confused about what to do, and much more than usual. The last one, though, left me in peace. It's still confusing, because with that person I still have the questions and unknowns, yet instead of feeling out of balance and out of place, I felt calm. I think part of it is that the first two seem to press me for answers for their confusing questions, and the last poses the questions yet leaves me to answer them, though that's a generalization.
Why is it that teachers like to give little homework over the weekend yet give a good amount on weekdays? I haven't had time to practice my bass since Monday.
I've come a long way in fighting the things that plague me and threaten darkness. I've found a lot more strength in it. It's really weird, because sometimes it seems so real. In my head I imagine a gunfight or a hand-to-hand battle. Sometimes it seems that I can really sense a hard blow against the enemy, one that hits deeply and repels it for some time.
Sometimes it's frustrating though, when I'm fighting as hard as I can but sense myself becoming overwhelmed. I end up pulling through in the end.
And Friday had its own little bit of fun. At the end of the day, I left and got on the bus. I saw my sister with her instrument, and decided after a short bit of thought to go get mine. I left my backpack on the bus and took off. I got my instrument, but while leaving the band room I stumbled on my shoelace. I have pretty good balance and recovery, so it was fine. Once I got out onto the asphalt walk, though, I went down. I think I rolled the first time, which I like to do when I fall. It's easier to do when my feet aren't tangled .I'm not wearing a backpack and carrying a clarinet, and there isn't soggy ground next to me, but it was fine. I tripped again, though, and all of my weight was on my hand. I was lucky that it only made one gash deep enough to draw blood, and in that only a small bit. I think I only tripped twice there, and after that I was more careful. I was trying to catch the bus at the middle school, so I didn't have time to stop and fix it. Then I got to crossing the little parking lot, and between to cars there was some ice, and with what I was carrying and the two cars, I fell again, but this time used my clarinet case as a brake. Quite battered, I finally made it to the bus.
Later we had DI practice, where I had some great ideas and so did everyone else. The pizza we ordered, though was broken. The cheese had slid off of the pizza and piled up on one side of a couple of our pizzas, and the little three-legged tables were upside-down. It's kind of interesting to note that a bunch of kids from our school work at that pizza place along with some kids from other schools. The cats were fun, though.
Our math competition should be interesting tomorrow. I don't remember much Algebra 2, but then again that's how it's always been. At least we've kept using a lot of it.

Attacking Reality

2007-02-16T23:47:00.000-06:00

Friday has been quite the day for me. Fridays seem to be as deep and involving as Mondays are tired and boring.
I started the day with my friend on the bus, which was good. I got to school feeling strong and prepared. So first was band, where we had reading first. I decided to get my English book since I forgot to replace the book in my backpack, as if I didn't have enough books to read anyway. I decided to scan a little and then read some stuff I forgot to read earlier. Of course, I spent some good time just closing my eyes and relaxing. Then we got to warm up and then get everyone into the gym. I just waited for everyone else to slowly work their way through the doorway. The things we recorded went alright. It wasn't horrible, though our warm ups were. I was really not with it, starting there in first hour. So then I did the waiting again while everyone rushed to slowly work their way back to the band room. Then I had some time to just sit until second hour began. Because of the way we did it, we got into class a little late. In English we were watching a biography on Francis Scott Fitzgerald with a little horribly written worksheet to fill out with what you missed and asked your neighbors for. I was watching the movie, but at the same time I had some time to think, and I really got to feeling sad. So then was Spanish, where the sadness was just fed, though with some humor including singing next door. Then was art, which went fairly well. Things aren't falling apart there, so it's good. Then was math, where we just did a little review, which is nice. Learn and get to do whatever (juggle chalk) in between. Then was lunch, which was great as usual. Erik having his usual conversation in which Jessica is both curious and disgusted about his stories, Zach on some rant about something funny, Shane's interjections until he left. It made me totally forget about how bad the day was supposed to be. The sadness from the morning didn't go away... it was just like the grass buried under snow. And review in history began to melt that snow away.
Again, I was really not with it much. It takes so long to get through everyone asking them each a question, and I was really not in the state of mind to absorb information. So when I got something right, I just stayed until the teacher told me I could sit down (though not for long, of course). And then when I got something wrong, I headed to sit down. It's weird how I will notice something and there is absolutely no reaction, but something else happens and everyone chimes in about it. So then there was a little time to rest before I got to go trip in the hall. It wouldn't have been bad if I hadn't put my hand out and burned it on the carpet. It hurt right away, which was not a good sign. Once I got into physics and sat down, I was really in pain. It ended up leaving a blister almost an inch long on my palm, luckily my left. Especially in physics, if I moved my hand just a bit in the wrong direction, it really hurt. Of course, we had the whole hour to sit there and do calculations and writing from the lab we did yesterday. At least that gave me some time to pull it together (while in pain most of the time). It's hard feeling under fire and without any support at the same time. The hand was probably the worst, because I couldn't escape it and it was a reminder of everything else. In PE we played badminton, which was fun. I did pretty well, but I probably played a bit too hard. At least I didn't have to play any of those guys that are somewhere between intense and arrogant. Things were starting to get better, though. On the bus ride home, I realized again how pointless Valentine's day is when you're in middle or elementary school. Everyone goes out and buys everyone Valentine's, making them next to pointless and un-special, in addition to consuming your time and money. And then you have a party while everyone spends more time passing them out into the boxes everyone made. So you can take out all of the candy and throw the rest away when you get home.
Why? What's the point? Yet presently I realize that nothing has really changed. Let's read these books and talk about them and then take a test and forget it all, since it was over random and pointless stuff anyway. It's just more advanced stuff to spend our time on. I think that when we were little we weren't really experienced to recognize the futility of the whole thing. Now we do, but we're stuck in the same thing, though sometimes it's hard to see.
So then I got home, and as I had thought, my dad said that the weather and planning weren't good enough to go to Galesburg this weekend. I just went upstairs and finished math and then played some guitar before having to help with dinner.
I think that sometimes I'm pretty dangerous. If it's something that I have obviously no chance of surviving, then I'm not going to do it. But if there's a chance that I can do it, and I'm in control of it, then I tend to take it on. It's snowing and windy and icy? Let's go! Bring it on!
So my dad dropped me off at movie night since parking was not very good with the snow walls on the sides of the road. We played some pool, ate some nuts, drank some Mountain Dew and Dr Pepper and Pepsi, and watched Discovery Channel (Mythbusters) and some stand-up comedy, along with playing Guitar Hero II. Shane was not pleased with Kelsey and Zach (and me at first, later Dylan) not being in the TV room. He brought his cousin, and apologized for it not being as exciting as it usually is. The comedy had some great parts, but of course some parts that I wish to forget. Eddie's impression of white people walking around reminded me so much of Tim and Taylor's impressions of our AD. He also had some other really funny things.

We have a one-track mind... when we're watching the game, we're watchin' the game... it's like we're in the game... when you talk, it's like the teacher on Charlie Brown... 'Wahp, wahp wahp wahp, wahp, wahp wahp hair.' Eh, what you talkin' 'bout?

Heroin addicts have the best balance... a drunk, anything makes them fall down... and then they look at the floor as if it's the floor's fault.

So eventually everyone left except Zach, who had to stay the night due to lack of transportation in the weather that was slowly deteriorating.
In the end, I think everything worked out well, but now I face a weekend that looks pretty dull. They wait for weeknights to load on the homework... we do have a test or two to study for, but that isn't an all-day affair. I guess it'll come out somehow.

They still only have one flavor, the Green Death... it says, 'May cause drowsiness,' but it should really say, 'Don't make any plans'... 'Hey, this tastes like [collapses]'

Half-hearted

2007-02-04T20:29:00.000-06:00

I've noticed that we, as humans, like to find reasons to hate people. How do we respond to a car accident?

We said that we hoped it was bad. Well I didn't say it, but it was said.

That's hilarious!

Some we hate lightly, some deeply. As if we even needed an enemy to face or reasons for disliking someone, we make up our own arbitrary reasons. The clothes they wear, the way they act, the things they say, the things they do, the things the believe, the things they enjoy... somehow we can take those and feel all opposed to them.
I was sitting at my desk at about 1930 playing guitar when from downstairs, the following question was heard:

How's the Superbowl going?

I guess someone in our house is watching the game. Obviously, it's not me. I totally forgot it was going on. It's not like I won't know how it turns out.
Which leads me to my next topic. They were planning to watch the game at my church on something like a 100-inch screen. It turns out the NFL will sue you if you watch the game on a screen bigger than 55-inches. To me, this is just ridiculous. If they broadcast it, how can they then regulate how we watch it? I think that's a violation of rights. And if their convoluted idea is that people won't come to the game if they allow that to happen, I highly doubt that. How highly prized are tickets to the Superbowl? It's not as if they're having any trouble selling them all.
My dad was looking at a genealogy site that was natively in French, translated to English.

Send your misadventure to the waiter

Seize your password again

Once you figure it out, it makes sense, but it's hard to figure out where some of those words came from.
Then I got to open a package for my mom.

NO EXTENAL POWER REQUIRED

Wow... I didn't expect to see that on an actual package.
And then it seemed that I had entered an alternate reality. I opened a properties window in Windows for a large folder, and it proceeded to figure out how many tens of thousands of files and folders were in there. I then told it to not make them all read-only (why they were, I do not know). So as the progress bar for the read-only-removal was displayed, it wasn't right, since it didn't know how many files there were yet. It would go forwards, and then backwards, then flicker... it was quite interesting.
The Rhythmbox count is now 11,252 songs from 992 albums by 2,704 artists. This is 32 days, 14 hours, and 3 minutes of music, or 36 GB. A few of those are dupes. Some of those artists have only one song, and likewise for some albums... and some albums have 600 some songs. That's how I have almost three times as many artists as albums. Must... find... more...
I found a cool panorama application that does a very good job at lining up the pictures. However, altering the brightness and such so that they all look the same isn't so good. Right now, the best it can do is blend the hues together, which is just a blurry line instead of clear one. I'm working on finding out how to use the stitcher that will get it right... and then when I use a snow picture with straight white and no reference points for part of it, the road is all messed up in it.
Jessica was back this weekend, which was quite welcome after six weeks. We ended up at Shane's with Kelsey and Joanna, and then later Dylan and Zach. We had a good time playing Balderdash and watching some comedy. My suggestions of everyone-against-Jessica were ignored, and so she ended up way ahead. Then again, I don't know if we were even trying.

Hey Dylan. I'd know those eyebrows anywhere.
Especially if they were dancing.

And since Nelly was right and we have a snow day, I think it will be a great time to do a few things.

Practice my clarinet.
Practice my bass since my clarinet is at school.
Fix my English book.
Do this before someone decides to set the cover on fire.
Post some quotes.
Find some stuff to deviate.
Find some stuff to delete.
See if Nelly was also right about water dowsing.

We'll see how much of that I get done. Our neighbors plowed and shoveled our driveway again, which is welcome, since I only had to do the walk, which took a few minutes. And then an attempt to take pictures was abandoned due to dead batteries. We need new rechargeables, because they don't hold a charge for more than a few days, and the camera is extremely picky about alkalines.
I'm so used to people totally disregarding the whole point of something and wandering like zombies that when someone is actually trying to accomplish a goal, it's surprising. If there's actually a point to something we are learning in school, it's special.

That ACT prep we had today was crap.
[Nelson walks by]

The plural of "thesaurus" is "thesauri."

Questionable

2007-02-02T23:08:00.001-06:00

I guess it's about time for another post. I've been pretty busy lately, or just uninspired to write anything here.
It seems that things just get more extreme. Good things get better, but the bad things get worse along with them.
I think the primary feeling lately for me is confusion. I feel lost. I look forward too much rather than around, and end up totally missing things... I don't even know what I'm looking forward to, since I'm so lost.
SchoBo has been pretty good. We have fun and do what we can, though we're not spectacular. It all depends on the questions, and for matches, we haven't been so lucky, and it's hard to find a balance between speed and discretion. We went to an away match on Thursday that was a bit of a drive. David, Peter, Dylan, and I ran through the snowy grass and parking lots to a Taco Bell while everyone else went to Arby's. There was a nice pause between our meals and David's, too, so we were the last back to the bus. David has decided that we must find an action figure to tie a string to and hang out the window, like on Napoleon Dynamite.
I still have to find a solo for SE. I don't know what the heck I'll end up with.
The studying for the math competition is going nicely. I don't really know what we'll be doing, but we're doing well with the material.
We had the WYSE competition today. I was very surprised at how well I did. I know I do well at the English, but I didn't expect to do that well. And since I was guessing on probably half or more of the engineering graphics, I was surprised I even beat the one other person in our division. David used a combination of a quarter and his "Probability Simulation" on his calculator to do his math test, since he really didn't know how to do much more than the first two. That was a funny thing to see. We were paid for at BK by our very benevolent Mighty Mouser, and while eating saw a TV graduate and someone that looked extremely like Kelsey, at least from behind. We then attempted to build a tower out of paper. After spending half of the time working with ideas, we started building something... though my prediction of different sections built on different ideas all thrown together came true when we didn't have much together with a minute left.

They let us tape it to the table, and it still wouldn't stay up.

At least we tried. Then some politician went up and spoke, and told us, including some very bored seniors, about how a law is made in our state.

How many pieces of legislation were written last year in our state?
Zero!

Finally we got to hear the scores. I think we did pretty well for never having been there before. For some reason they felt compelled to give almost everyone a bright little blue LED light, which had obvious ramifications. They also gave out little basketballs, one of which I witnessed flattened. We then got back to school and primarily played with a wad of paper and tape (made from what was left of our tower attempt, not including the actual tower) until school was officially over. Luckily, the only work I have to do to make up for the day out of school is some reading for English and to, of course, to get the notes for history.
I'd rather be inconspicuous. I'd rather blend in and be lost in a crowd. In most situations, I wish to be as un-special as possible. But if I must stand out, if I must be different, I want it to be for something that matters. There are many things that are nice if sincere, but when they're fake, they lose their value.
For the sake of posterity I will reference all of the things going on in our group, if only vaguely. I guess it just adds to the confusion.
There are some people out there that are special to me, and I really don't know how to let them know that.
I make mistakes. I get caught off-guard. Lately I've seen my position as that of a soldier again. I feel away from home, away from those I love. I'm threatened, and I must always be alert. The enemy can strike at any time. And that enemy strikes with great force. Lately I've been doing better against the attacks, though I still lose as they get too large for me. I'm learning how to stand and fight for everything that I am. All of this is hard. To live, to hurt, to complete the mission and defend against the darkness.
I plan on updating the quotes. When, I do not know. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next month.
I guess that will be all for now. It's good to have a weekend to take a break... but I tend to miss the people.

So Soon

2007-01-05T18:22:00.000-06:00

Things have been kind of rough lately. The movie night at Kelsey's went great. I came with a good attitude and left with an even better one. There was some good stuff on YouTube, and that Katamari game was fun to watch. With most of my free time lately I've played a computer game... so I did that on Friday. My aunt came to visit us, so we went out to eat and stuff with her. On Saturday, Jessica had a movie night. I went with a pretty good mood. I find I look forward to things too much, though, and I just end up being disappointed. I got there and Dylan had been waiting in his truck (and I thought I was early), and informed me that Kelsey wasn't coming, which was disappointing. So I failed at ringing the doorbell and then knocked and went in. Eventually Dylan and I went and sat down on the couch. Jessica sat in the rocking chair, and Meghann was talking about how excited she was. Jessica gave me Josh Groban's new album, Awake. Time went by, and we figured out that people weren't coming. Meghann tried to call more people, but her parents told her not to, which made her mad. So I volunteered to take a flashlight and go with her to Zach's house, and was sat and knocked for a while. There were lights on, but there was no answer. Just as we left, water started pouring out of the house, which scared Meghann since she had no shoes on. We knocked some more before giving up and going home. When Dylan and I got there, there was a show about funny commercials on TV. That changed... to something I didn't know about. So then Scene It was put in, and Jessica played that (with me shouting out random answers, since I had no clue 99% of the time). Their neighbor came over, and quickly decided that she didn't like Dylan (and I think me, too). Finally, Kevin and Shane arrived, and, as usual, Shane had some funny stories to present. Evidently he hadn't had a good day. Since Guitar Hero wasn't going to work, there wasn't much else to do all night. Suddenly, their neighbor was in the playroom screaming at Shane and Dylan to get out of there. Of course, Shane just saw a nine-year-old girl screaming at him as funny, so he and Dylan kept running around and going in and out. For some reason, I felt I had to join in. Eventually we all stopped, though that was a slow process. When Sammi finally got home, their neighbor told her all about how Dylan and Shane and I had trashed the playroom their mom was cleaning. Colin arrived somewhere in there. So I guess I was on the floor at that point, trying to figure out what to do. Jessica got out Mind Trap and they decided that the three college people should play the three others. Well, by that time Shane had retreated to the computer and I was lying on the floor. Jessica did invite me over after I pulled a chair over to the corner, and so I brought the chair over to the game. Either I had no clue what the answer was or I did but wasn't able to answer. Dylan gave Jessica a question about English for some reason. I don't know why he was surprised when she almost instantaneously answered correctly (the answer was "ink stand," so it figures). Eventually we stopped playing that, and I went over by where Jessica was reading the cards on the floor. She got up and sat on the couch, so naturally I conked out on the floor, periodically checking on UHF, which Colin had brought and we had decided to watch (after a little ordeal with getting the DVD player to open. Eventually I found the strength to go sit in a chair. I found the movie part funny and part not. I was offered a seat next to Jessica, but I didn't want to take Kevin's seat or Dylan's seat. Right at the end, though, I was able to go sit near her again. Then I had to leave, so I got my coat, gave Jessica her presents, and left. The drive home was periodically rainy, but it wasn't too bad overall.
After that I got sick. I had already been feeling questionable that day, but I just wanted to go to the movie night, and after that I really had no option but to get sick. Since then I've slowly improved. Jessica went back to college on Tuesday, which will take some getting used to again. I finally got my computer's DNS all sorted out (I think), which just leaves the wireless to fix. Today I went to the doctor to get some 5-day prescriptions for this sickness. We went to Jewel to have them filled. When we picked them up, my dad showed the pharmacist a coupon that they had sitting out (for Claritin-D). Even though it said it was only valid in certain states (not this one), he was wondering if they were still accepting them. He asked one of the other guys, and said no, he'd take them down.
I've still got some research to do on Nepalese customs. I've been playing SimCity now, and doing a little bit more investigating into the random hard drive powerdowns. I think it's the power cable... and if it's touched or bumped or sitting a certain way, it would shut down the drive. I don't know. I had no problems with it for a while, and suddenly it was back yesterday. I put it in a different way this time, and I hope that fixes it.
I guess that's about it for now.

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Lots of things...

Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember if I made any or not. I'm not so big on them, at least not being "New Year's." I make them when I need them...

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Noooo.

Did anyone close to you die?
No one close.

What countries did you visit?
I guess a reservation is still this country...

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Um... I guess there's nothing I'd like to have that 2007 will bring, really, except time...

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 13th. Thirteen. Love.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not being afraid... letting go...

What was your biggest failure?
Wasting time.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I think I got sick... I don't remember. I don't think I got hurt too badly.

What was the best thing you bought?
I'd have to say my U2.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Um... I'm not sure. A few people... including me.

Whose behavior made you appalled?
Um... the usual. A lot of people... including me.

Where did most of your money go?
Um... I don't know, the economy.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Jessica.

What song will always remind you of 2006?
David Crowder Band - Stars

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Since I couldn't feel at this time last year, sadder.
b) Thinner or fatter? Neither?
c) Richer or poorer? Um... neither?

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Loving.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Thinking about myself.

How did you spend Christmas?
Um... like I spent every other day, really.

Did you fall in love in 2006?
Quite throughout.

What was your favorite TV program?
ATHF, Sealab.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

What was the best book you read?
I don't know... I didn't really read anything this year that was that good.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bass guitar, music theory.

What did you want and get?
Time.

What did you want and not get?
Time.

What was your favourite film of this year?
I don't know, maybe V.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
What did I do on my birthday? How should I remember that? I know I got to spend some time with Jessica, but that's all that I remember.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Clothes.

What kept you sane?
Time at first. Then it turned and started making me insane.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None of the above.

What political issue stirred you the most?
No actual issues.

Who did you miss?
Jessica.

Who was the best new person you met?
George, I guess.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Why am I alive?

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"We've already won and you don't have a chance, yeah it's already done and you don't have a chance... we have already won."

Short Final

2006-12-25T19:21:00.000-06:00

I'm looking at the band final, and it's crazy. I overlook a lot of the errors because I scan for meaning, but some of it is hard to miss. And some I realize when I'm looking at them again. An asterisk (*) denotes the "correct" answer. I'm not even going into errors in quotation marks or anything like that (unless it's more than that).

We learned what the most in the week before band camp?
Marching Commands
Music
Marching style
*All of the above
none of the above

Two problems here. The freshmen were the only ones that learned commands and style in pre-camp. The majority of the class learned music the most. And "most" is a superlative adjective, which means it's the most. How all three be the most at the same time? I don't think he understands quantum physics...

Flutes when marching should be parrallel to the ground.

This has to be one of my favorites. Most obviously he misspelled parallel. Also, flutes in that question refer to the actual instrument (being parallel to the ground), so I don't think they can march.

The hardest song to march to this year was
*Wicked Part 1
Wicked Part 2
Wicked Part 3

Yay for the opinion question. I don't even remember my opinion.

The intervals in the rest of the band is

*excellent
poor
fair
none of the above

When I first read this question, it was confusing. The picture is of the whole band? "Rest of the band" relative to what or whom?

Concert E Flat is the key. How many flats is that for the flutes?

Completely irrelevant for everyone but the flutes. It's three, if you were wondering.

The eighth notes with -2- over them is considered

I doesn't consider them "duples" at all.

The concert was performed very well. Overall, one of the strengths of the performance was
Balance
Intonation
following instructions
*All of the above
none of the above

Does he understand how "all of the above" should work into a question? One of the strengths was everything?

The band suffered alittle from

Now is a good time to mention that we never went over some of this. (Like an English test!) And he's made up new compound words, now. Great.
That should give those non-band-members an idea of what it's like, and the previous members a look at what it was like this time. Regression? Ooh, but he had PDF and MP3 files.
The history final was... better, I guess. The spelling was pretty bad at times, and there were undeclared complete dates, and I wasn't able to review my wrong answers, but it was fine.
The finals ended up pretty good. Math wasn't so great, but it still wasn't too bad. I would have liked physics to be better, but it wasn't low enough to do much with my grade. Windows behaved for the computer finals, and we got out early.
Now that I've been on break, my system pretty much crashed. On Friday I came home and wrote a little program about quarks in Perl. Later, I went to the basketball game and sat with Shane through the end of the JV game, and then went and sat with Jessica through the varisity game. After that Jessica left to take Meghann home, and Kevin, Shane, Nick, and me stayed for the sock hop. It was a flop of a sock hop. There were fewer people than usual to start with, and it just declined until there were about 6 people by the end. Evidently there was a party in the parking lot with people's car music. I'm not sure all of the pizza got eaten, and there was also free pop. The whole idea of a party was dropped, and Jessica said she'd call me back. Haven't heard from her since. So we hung around for the rest of the sock hop, and I just watched people and wandered around. Evidently Shane had some fun flirting, and we did that one dance into the lockers. After that I went home, and since then not much has happened. Like I said, I pretty much crashed, but I hope I've got some of that fixed. I got some music and books and other stuff from my family for Christmas, and I've practiced a lot of guitar. Mostly, I'm lost right now. When I'm in school, I've got something to at least waste my time with, and use it, too, even when I'm not there. There are people around, I get to see most of my friends, and I enjoy it. But on break I have no guidance, no purpose, no reason.
I guess it's a good time to search for that, but it's also a good time for the darkness to roll in.
Merry Christmas to all of you reading this.
A few funny things I found while wasting my time so far:
ADD
10 Best Fake Move Trailers - My favorites have to be Signs and 10 Commandments
Titanic Instant Message style
Pachelbel
Pi and e - Dylan I know would like this one

So I guess that's it for now. I hope you all are having a good break.

He wraps Himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide...

No Contacts

2006-12-18T20:59:00.000-06:00

I kind of realized something a while ago in physics. I'm not even sure exactly what it was. It was just a feeling that... I was pretending, lying, acting, hiding the truth. It was weird... I don't know how to explain it. Because I was doing exactly that, and I knew it.
It's been both tough and hopeful lately.
I guess that as I live on I slowly get things figured out. The feeling that I think has been the strongest lately is loneliness. I feel like I'm alone. That everyone I know is just going to end up leaving, or I'll be forced to leave them, and that I really have no one. It's also a realization that me and everything I have is worth nothing. What reason do I have for existence? What purpose is there? What am I trying to accomplish? None of my stuff matters. I'd give it all up if I had to. And what does what I do matter?
And I've kind of been searching for someone that I could really know, and trust... that would be there for me... and... I should have already realized that I'm not going to find that on earth.
So I've been going along, confused and struggling. I've had the math test and the English test, and now all of the review (it's all done, but it took a while), and then the finals... dang. DI tonight, pep band tomorrow night. And I've got so much studying to do, especially for history.
Mostly I don't know what to think or what to feel. I'm tired of pressing my heart for answers, because that only makes it hurt more and end up numb. I'm tired of thinking. It gets me nowhere. I'm tired of trying to figure it out on my own. As soon as I think I'm making progress or finally getting on top of my missions, it seems that they all complicate themselves and find new ones to accompany themselves.
Yet even when I realize all of this, why would I still hold on? Why can't I let go of worrying about myself and wanting things for me? Even though I realize I'm getting nowhere, why do I keep trying? I even know myself that I need to take another path, yet I keep spinning the tires as if I can break through this way.
I have to focus on what I'm living for, and what my purpose is. Even not completely knowing either one.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Treading Life

2006-11-30T16:44:00.000-06:00

I guess from now on I'll just add new quotes to the quotes pages unless I really think I want to feature them here. I've got a ton to add.
I don't know where or how to start, so I guess I'll just jump right in. Lately I've been pretty spontaneous with things, not so cautious or held back. Especially with Spanish. Duermo en una banana.
Anyway, lately I've been noticing a lot of things about... things. Like how I look at and think about people.
Sometimes I get to seeing people as just... bodies that fill space. Faces, voices, and not much past or behind that. It's good to remind myself as I watch everyone leave art (since it's freshmen that I don't know) that each one of them is a real person, just like me. A human with thoughts, feelings, wishes, wants, dreams, things they enjoy, things that make them happy, things that upset them. It's... enlightening.
Yet on the other side of things, sometimes I see people as always right. Some more than others. My friends, especially, and the closer they are, the more it applies. If there's any opinion question, they are right. Even if I disagree, I consider their view as the best and most correct one, and I try to figure out how I can take the same view. This also includes that pretty much anything anyone does is right in a way. If you want to smack me in the face, go ahead. You're right, you know, and I won't stop you. As long as it's something I'm willing to give up or can replace easily, or that won't really be damaged, I'm fine with handing its care over to whoever takes it. There are even cases when I'd rather replace whatever-it-is, even for money, than ask someone not to do what they're doing. I don't want to stop anyone if it's only my loss. That's not important enough to bother them about.
Yet lately I've been seeing a lot that goes against at least the opinions. I don't know if I mentioned this before here, but lately I've found a lot of people that I love and respect do things that really challenge my values and beliefs. Even ones that I don't love and respect so much, just people, such as when they share opinions and thoughts about things I don't get to hear about much at all. And even if I don't really respect their opinion very much both based on their character and their opinion, I still have to deal with it.
I think that as humans we like to join together. We like to have others to share our thoughts and ideas with, and to find some commonality that we can stand together for. Instead of having to stand alone as one with our feelings, we can find more to corroborate those feelings. And if there are more people on your side, it makes you feel more right. Likewise, if there are more people on the other side, it can start to make you feel more wrong. So when I'm faced with these statements that people make, it's hard. It makes me feel alone sometimes, that nobody else feels the way that I do. Everything I stand against, everything I avoid, they seem to advocate. I'm not going to go into specifics here.
It's weird, though, since I'm also a strong nonconformist. I specifically try to do things that nobody else does, that nobody else thinks of or is willing to try. I don't care about being different to the point of being deliberately different. And that part of me likes to stand out as my own person. Yet there's still a part of me that likes to fit in, that likes to be able to share some feelings with other people. I guess... the things that don't really matter, I do whatever the heck I want to do (or not do). Use Linux, put pudding in everything, wear my own clothes, go my own speed, do things my own way, take my own route, take my own place, act my own way. But with the things that really do matter, I want to find others... to do the same, to go with me. Help people, care about other people, not about yourself, be kind, be considerate, be gentle... those kinds of things. I guess that those things are all about other people. And... I kind of want other people to help in helping other people... since they are other people... if you know what I'm trying to say. I don't need anyone else's thoughts or opinions about how I do the unimportant things, but with the important ones... what's right is kind of up to them... and it's hard to stand for what I believe.

In other news, I upgraded my computer to the next version of Ubuntu. I really like their names. The first version was Warty Warthog, and I guess it was kind of warty back then. next came Hoary Hedgehog, which I guess was kind of hoary. Well, not really. Next came Breezy Badger, which I guess did get breezy. Then was Dapper Drake, which was indeed dapper. Now it's Edgy Eft, which is definitely edgy. The next one will be Feisty Fawn, which I guess will get feisty. I hope not too much, because I'm not sure how much this little machine can take. (It's not little on the outside, but on the inside) There were a few small improvements and changes, updates to programs, and I think it's faster. There were, as usual, many more changes of the behind-the-scenes things. The unexciting, unnoticed stuff that makes everything work.
I can't quite edit tags in my music player. I looked for a player that would do that, but gave up on it. I did find one application called Quod Libet. One person said the developer was the most arrogant person he'd ever met, and I agree just from reading the site. It really fits in with my stereotype of an arrogant person. The logo is in this pretty writing like it's some beautiful musical thing. When you look at the specifications and changes, it's all showing off. It can do this and this and even this to this, and also can do such and such. And all of it is weird stuff that I have no clue about. And I don't really care about. Besides, it was slow, and refused many attempts to kill it. I don't know if it died on it's own or I finally used the right kill. Rhythmbox is supposed to edit tags with the latest developments of one package, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth to update it. We'll see how it goes.
I heard a lot on the forums about Windows Vista. Pretty much bad reviews. The people that used it said it was changed too much (for no apparent reason) from XP. Menu bars that aren't there anymore and stuff such as that. They also said it's really slow. One guy had a computer six times faster than mine with twice the RAM said it was slow. Not even the Aero that makes everything all transparent and shadowy; that wouldn't run. The basic theme was slow on his machine. So basically not only do you pay plenty of money for the privilege of using questionable software, you also have to pay even more to get the hardware to run it well. It's funny, because on the same computer (or less) the Linux effects work just great. For free, of course.
I did alright on my playing test. I messed up on some of the scales, but I did get them right and I did pretty good. On the song, I did pretty well. As with the scales, I had to go back and restart some things because I didn't quite get the pattern down the first time.
We got out 4 minutes early today, which... well, we got home four minutes earlier. But what was the difference? I guess four minutes really isn't much of a loss, but I don't think it's much of a gain, either. Everyone is talking about a snow day tomorrow.

TONIGHT
FREEZING RAIN OR SLEET IN THE EVENING
THEN SNOW AND
FREEZING RAIN AFTER MIDNIGHT. SNOW AND SLEET ACCUMULATION OF 3 TO
6 INCHES. ICE ACCUMULATION OF ONE QUARTER TO ONE HALF OF AN INCH.
LOWS IN THE MID 20S. WINDY. NORTHEAST WINDS 15 TO 20 MPH
INCREASING TO 20 TO 25 MPH AFTER MIDNIGHT. GUSTS UP TO 35 MPH.
CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION 100 PERCENT.

FRIDAY
SNOW IN THE MORNING. SNOW ACCUMULATION 1 TO 2 INCHES.
TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATION 4 TO 8 INCHES. HIGHS IN THE LOWER 30S.
WINDY. NORTHWEST WINDS 20 TO 25 MPH WITH GUSTS TO AROUND 40 MPH.
CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION 80 PERCENT.

Edited because these things randomly miss letters sometimes.
Half an inch of ice? I don't know, that could do it.
We had DI on Monday, and Jessica came, which was nice. It was just my impression that she acted weirdly. I pretty much haven't heard from her at all. SchoBo practice on Wednesday lost one person to "other crap," so we're down to eight, which is pretty much twice as many as last year. It's better than the three the JV apparently had earlier this week. Next match Monday. SchoBo shirts and Dockers. We had a stupid Windows question. Word, Access, Excel, and M$ Paint? Who uses those? OpenOffice for the first three, and then The Gimp is amazing. We also spent about ten minutes trying to wade through a math problem, eventually ended by Mr. Cornbread. M.C. Bride also popped in to inform us that freshman year we learned who painted The Birth of Venus and Madonna And Child. The names are familiar (especially after art history), but nobody remembered those.
So then there was today. Not much notable. Got mooned. Plastered. Sung to by a dancing dog (like every day lately). That's about it.

WARNING: Keep away from small children. May explode, leak, and cause personal injury...

Because I Need A Title

2006-11-26T12:56:00.000-06:00

I haven't had time and haven't felt like blogging for a while. I apologize for the lack of updates.
The past weeks have been fine. We've started Huck Finn in English. Hendy's about finished, so we get to have Nelly back. SchoBo has been going very well with two wins. DI... oh, yeah, I need to do some research on Nepal. That's about all.
It's been a struggle, as usual. Kelsey had a party on Friday for her birthday, which Jessica finally showed up to.

I was saying how excited I was and then she just walked past me and didn't say a word.

I made some progress with transitions and not being so dark or hiding. We had some fun with Guitar Hero, the keyboard, the balloons... and, yeah, we made a mess. Colton and Zach got to being total perverts (so I heard... maybe they were just being their usual selves), and their presents were... um... yeah.
I'm getting better at letting go of the dark that holds me back, forgetting it, and finding Light. And then of course I had to go. I got out on time, which is good. But then I had some trouble.
I have really random and probably not the best solutions, but I like finding my own way to do things. Sometimes I discover an even better way to do something. Sometimes I don't. I had a problem. The windshield had frost all over it. I didn't think there was a scraper. So after some contemplation, I ended up using a red pen to clean it off. It worked quite well. Except that I locked myself out of the car. So I had to go back in to use a phone to call my mom to come with the other keys. She was really nice about it, and when she is it's surprising. So then on Saturday we had a little party at our house with some of my mom's students and friends of Emily and me. With Jessica I almost never know. It's at the last minute that she confirms she's coming, or I hear nothing. But she did call and she did come, which was great. We played Pictionary and trivia. The Happy Feet trailers didn't work at first downstairs, so that took a little work. Stupid Windows codecs.
Eventually everyone left, and time went on. I was much more confident at church with what I was doing on bass, thought it's still kind of shaky, especially with the capos and figuring out what the heck I'm supposed to play. The week was short, which was good and bad. We pretty much did nothing and had nothing to do over the weekend. Jessica was busy building a garage, so I just wasted the whole thing. I took my spare computer and played games on it. It's a 500 Mhz Celeron with a 4 MB video card and 128 MB RAM. Compared to what I used to have, it's great, and the video even has 3D drivers. I've got a few good games on it that run quite well. F-22 is amazing, and F-16 is pretty good. Delta Force 2 is not the best but it's fine, as well as Real War. Need For Speed is great. And Armored Fist 3 is very nice. All in all, I'm quite happy with it, though starting yesterday I had some problems. I had to reinstall F-22 because it couldn't find "l3.map," which wasn't there, but it still isn't and it's fine. Silly programs... and now the joystick is screwed up on the plane games. What should be on button two is button one. I don't know what the deal is. Oh, and while I was playing NFS there was a random BSOD. And then it was fine but for an hourglass in the middle of the screen. But it ended up freezing out. I've had so many BSOD's just these past few days on that machine... do I not miss Windows. Oh, and the hard drive has indicated that it will not hesitate to randomly turn off, soliciting yet more BSOD's about not being able to write to it while it's off. That may be a hardware issue.
I found a really cool set of Internet radio stations here.
Other than that I really didn't do much. I practiced my clarinet for tryouts this week, and also practiced my bass. The weekend really went from bad to worse as I lost hope of doing anything of meaning at all. I think I worked through all of that.
So today I found some lyrics that really meant something to me. Like usual, it's a song I've had for a while but for some reason the lyrics just suddenly popped out at me.

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

(chorus)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

(Repeat chorus)

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today

(Repeat chorus)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I am somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I am somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I can't see everything all of the time. I have to trust in what I can't see. I don't know what's holding me back anymore. It's fear, definitely. But I don't really know what I fear. Failure? Yet doing nothing, I am lost in failure. Maybe I fear I'll get nothing back. But I do receive, even as little as I give.
I think that at least part of the answer is to stop caring. It doesn't matter what happens. Right now I just need to not be afraid. To never hold back out of fear. I worry too much, I fear too much, and just say nothing. And then sit back and watch why I shouldn't have been afraid.
This week will reveal itself in due time. Am I tired enough of losing? Am I tired enough of being afraid?
It's too easy to go back to where I was before. To do nothing. But that doesn't work.
And then I keep kidding myself that I have the time to waste, the moments to throw away...

Quotes

2006-11-13T21:15:00.008-06:00

This page will link (hopefully) to all available pages of quotes.
I have moved all of the quotes off of this blog to a different site. Since I'm nice (and I have nothing better to do right now), I'll point all of these links to go over there.

Algebra 2 / Trigonometry
AP Lit
Band
Chemistry
Computer Programming / Biology / P.E.
English 1
English 2 and 3
Health
Heartland
Intro to Biz / Yearbook
Lunch, Before, and After School, Etc.
Physics
Plane Geometry / Pre-Cal / AP Cal
Spanish
Study Hall (Mr. V's 2nd hour 05-06)
U.S. History / Government / Mrs. P's 7th/9th hour 07-08
World History / Geography

Last update: Friday, October 24, 2008

Red Horse

2006-11-10T23:50:00.000-06:00

This week has been quite the struggle. Very busy, very stressing, very hard.
Monday and Tuesday were play practice late. Wednesday was SchoBo early and then church. Now Thursday and Friday have been the play.
Monday were English and Spanish tests, I think Wednesday was a math quiz, and Friday was a history test.
It's a long week. On all of those official things, I did well. The usual flaws here and there, but overall quite well.
On the unofficial things, however, it's been a fight, up and down.
I don't remember much specifically, but it's all been on the same theme.
I have three major areas of conflict inside of me. I have the temptation of sin, the pain (of loneliness), and the fear (of I don't know what).
Too often I give into fear. I'm too afraid. I say nothing. I do nothing. I'm getting better at doing things, but I still must work on actually saying things.
I feel like there's so much holding me back. Each time I break one restraint, another digs into me...
This week I came up with two things to kind of help myself think about things. The first was basically bringing my decisions before God. Here's what I'm going to do (or what I did) and why. If I couldn't stand and say that, there's a problem. I need to do things I can stand for, and hiding in fear is not worth standing for.
The second is kind of the same thing, but different. I was working on my weaving when I thought of this. The weaving is kind of like my life. Everything I've done has been woven in. And at night (I guess) God can go to the cabinet and find any drawer He pleases. Should He choose yours, what will your weaving be like? What will he take out of your drawer? What do you have to be proud of? What does your life look like?
I don't know what it's going to take to finally get myself over the fear. I have kind of thought about just breaking. And the fear breaking and falling away. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what would break the fear. I don't think I'm strong enough. How else, though? Otherwise it will only come back again. Why do I sit in fear? Because I can. Because I do. I know what happens. It's not good, but I know what happens. Usually nothing.
There are things I want to say, but not even saying little things, I have no way to say them. There are things I want to show, but having hidden them before, I have no way to show them. I have feared all along, and I don't know what the fear has blinded me from. Maybe I know from my brief and limited glances from when the fear was gone. Maybe I have no idea.
Each time I think I have something to make some progress, it disappears. I reach for something more, something greater to break through, and find nothing. I can fall into my rut each day and run it deeper. I don't know where else to go. I have no place, for I've made my own in solitude. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how I'll get there... I see no opening, no clear destination... it's out there... but it's a place I'll make myself, that doesn't exist yet. It's hard to take off for a faraway land trusting that there will be a place to land when you get there when there isn't one yet.
In other news, I have decided to redesign the "Shattisms" project. I'm going to put it all on this blog to make things easier. I'm planning on dividing the quotes into pages by the class in which I recorded them. My memory is pretty good for how many quotes I have and how long ago they were, but I don't really know how I'll end up deciding on the older ones. This is all dependent of finding some time and energy to get this done. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'll collect the rest of the quotes from when I put them here, and stop putting most of them here.

Delta Pi

2006-10-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

Well... Saturday was a long day. We were up before the sun and off to the band competition. Kyle brought a massive bag of popcorn and stuffed it into the back of the bus. We got to U of I and got ready for the field show. With my gloves that covered about half of my fingers, it was very cold out, but after our show I was pretty warm. The whole thing just seemed like a dream... walking into the stadium... marching... leaving... I like the softness of the AstroTurf. You know what I mean, right? You see everything, but it doesn't seem real. It has no meaning or connection to you... it's another world...
So then I just hung around the busses until we had to be in uniforms again. Someone gave their drum to a non-percussionist and it got misplaced, which caused a great deal of irritation. Kyle and Nick brought guitars, so they played some during that free time. We went to march parade and ended up waiting to step off. Nothing new from last year. And from what I remember it wasn't that bad. Maybe it was just the fact that none of it was real to me. In one band we went by, there was all kinds of bad stuff going on. One kid spit on someone else's drum harness, they were throwing acorns at the purple Sousaphone, and phrases such as:

Oh my gosh, I think you broke it!

could be heard.
So we marched parade, and it was fine. We got a nice tour of the business and law campuses there. After that, we all rushed back to the busses to leave for the banquet. I got in there and it took a while to find a seat. I ended up next to Peter. The food was pretty good, and it was nice to see the footage of our performance, and to see Kyle (the freshman) moving while at attention.
The presentations by the directors were nice. It made me both sad for last year and hopeful for next year. It's weird... sometimes I get to thinking I'm a s'more, and am glad to hear that I have less than two years left. Yet others I get to thinking I'm a senoir, and am sad to hear the same thing.
So after that I rode back to the stadium and then drove home with my family. My mom and I went to get me a bass guitar. I chose black, which is okay. It has a metallic ring to it, especially compared to the one I'm borrowing, but it's okay. We're hopin' that's temporary.
So then we went grocery shopping and to get Culver's and then home. I went to church early to practice, and it went fine aside from waiting around for cables to be found. I liked what was said very much, and the playing went fine. I got pretty lost on one of the songs, but I don't know how much I could be heard, anyway. People all said I did great, though.
So that afternoon I did laundry and practiced the guitar.
Monday rolled around and it was back to school. I won't go into it here and now, but the day ended up being full of agony. It's weird... thinking about it now, it isn't that bad, but it absolutely killed me at the time. So after that Tuesday was alright. I played wall ball, and even though I kind of tried to go easy, I still didn't end up too well. Wednesday was tired and grey. Just a sad day. I miss Dylan, I miss Jessica, I miss Kelsey and Dylan...
I'm hoping that the rest of this week turns out better. There's play practice and our first SchoBo practice, both of which I'm looking forward to. Hopefully we'll get the movie night all sorted out, too.
So, now for some quotes.

No, no, no, no, no, not fail; mildly do not so good.

That's an interesting way to put it.

Fog gof foh hof... it's a new language.
It would make more sense than English.

There's so much English-bashing in that class...

You are eating in the bottomless pit class. You know that, right?

They tend to be hungry in that class. Which leads to the next one.

It smells like that chicken noodle crap.
Don't talk about food.
Sorry.

You can't even talk about food, even if it's crap.

That's ridiculous. I'm getting like 5 answers every time I do it.

You know there's trouble when the math teacher is asking, "what's 24 + 16," or, "what's -16 - 8 + 12?"

Pearson goes and finds sites that we might like and blocks them.

I really don't care. First of all, it's Windows, which is a block enough to me in the first place. Second of all, I don't use the computers that much (see previous statement), and I'm not interested in visiting those sites, at least not at school.

Willy, be responsible with your protractor.
I'm tryin' to cut myself with it.

Great, great... I like taking these "senior" classes. For example:

You s'posed to be doin' sumthin'?
No, it's physics.

Indeed. It's an interesting mix between nothing to do and intense work.

How are you doing?... you look like you're going to die.
I'm good.
We're going to Heartland next.
I'm gonna' die.

I'm not sure why they took that class... they never seem to like it.

That's funny, you put a gap between con and nect. That's kind of, uh...
Ironic?

Yep.

If any of you guys are drunk, you're not going to do well on your physics test.

An interesting prediction. We do a lot of talking about drugs and the ghetto and violence in that class.
So that's all for now. Learning the bass guitar is coming along great considering I've only been playing for a week. I might get to some of that.

A big burst of energy after I stop talking.

Failure to Appear in Life

2006-10-20T21:28:00.000-05:00

Well it's been quite the week.
I've done some more thinking about the shell. It's fear, a lot of fear. It's a lack of confidence.
It isn't really clear what it is I'm afraid of. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I recently made the connection. I've kind of realized before that I'm quite sensitive. I'm very much influenced by others and their attitudes. Anything that could hurt inside is kind of magnified. And I think that's what I'm afraid of.
I'm not afraid of just other people. I've proved that. It's really weird... I almost have to be different, and I'm not afraid to be different. Not at all. Maybe not afraid enough. I can act weird and crazy... but that's just acting. It's part of the shell, still. Because I'm not afraid to step out, but I still have the shell on.
I've said this before. If I withdraw from everyone, then I know the reason for the disconnection. It's my fault. And I'd rather it be my fault than theirs. If I reach out... open up... and the disconnection remains or worsens, then... it's not my fault. There's some comfort in knowing I can do something about it, even if I'm too afraid to do it. If I do all I can do... I'm just worried that... it won't change anything. I'd rather be rejected for acting wrong than rejected for acting right.
When I do something, I want to do it right. So if I'm going to be somebody, I'd rather fail and do it right than make an effort and mess up. Which is really stupid.
I'd rather put up a shell to be attacked than put up myself. I'd rather present a shell that's not me than present myself. The ridicule is against the shell... not me.
Eventually... I forget who I am...
I'm too afraid to put myself out. Fear that I'll be hurt. That if I step out, it will be like stepping out of cover in a firefight. As soon as I'm out, every gun is trained on me.
I'd be happier if I stepped out. I... may be more comfortable if I stepped out. But... I'm just afraid of what they'll say, what they'll think, what they'll do...
The most random things remind me of the past...
You know it's bad when you find yourself being jealous of soup.
I'm hurt enough as it is. I'm not really looking to be hurt some more. Sometimes I really feel like withdrawing, giving up, dealing with the wounds I have before they multiply.

Okay, these first few are old.

You would be going slow, you see the homeless guy, and speed up.

Great explanation from the teacher.

I didn't know you could recycle homeless people.

Where have I heard this before?

I'm not even trying anymore at school... I quit, Matt.

Me too!

Philosiphizer. Good way to put it.

Wonderful English guidance from the student teacher.

Did they call you 'cracker'?
Were you on the teach just to boost the GPA?

I did not catch the beginning of that conversation.

What would you name your slave?
That's a ridiculous question that has no relevance to anything... we're a slave to corporate America.

Interesting take on things.

Just sometimes the 'like' word goes in everywhere.

Like, all over the place.

Mel Gibson's a terrible example.

That's great when they bring things up that have nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Become vague... 'I like strings.'

Great explanation of string theory.

Go back to class. No one cares.

That kid cracks me up. We've got more from him, too.

I challenge you to a duel... I did not smoke drugs.

"Smoke drugs" is a interesting phrase.

Erika, do you have your band shirt?
No.
What the hell? Jesus Christ!... Is our savior.

Wonderful way to start the day.

I am fine every day until we go to English... sleeping gas in the English department.

I know Jessica would have been opposed to this whole conversation just because it's against English, but I side with Cody on these.

This class is so much better than English.

Maybe it's because we get to lie on the floor.

'Cause it's infinite. Once you start you just can't stop.
Oh, I want Pringles!

The thinking of those girls worries me.

How do I solve this for y?
Very carefully.

Drop one negative sign and you're done for.

I still don't get the 'all real numbers.'
Infinity.
I still don't get it.
It's the name of a car.

Oh, I get it now.

What is that and why is it in here?... It's gonna get stuck to my foot.

And the rest is classified.

Do something with that other than that, or that, or that, or that...

Getting picky now...
Band early tomorrow. Really early.
I did get a bass to practice with for now, and it's going pretty well. My fingers are sore, but aside from that it's great. I'm going to be looking for one for my own tomorrow.
I'm starting to get scared of the random wanderings and progress of our projects in art.

Problems with Schooling in America Today

2006-10-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

This was quite the Monday.
In band we watched our video from the competition and ate donuts. I didn't feel like having one, so then I went to English class. So pointless. The teacher put notes up on the overhead. First of all, this teaches us nothing. These notes are out of the book, but instead of learning how to read the book, as hard as he tries to act like he makes it, he "spoon feeds" us the material. Besides that, I somehow finish writing the notes in about a fifth of the time or less that everyone else takes. So I end up lying my head down and kind of sleeping for periods of time. He still doesn't have our tests from Thursday graded. I kind of understand but I kind of think he's lazy for it. And then for homework we did 1-4. Odds. I really don't know what the story with that is; it might be just plain stupid unintentionally or it may have somehow happened purposefully. I don't know. Four isn't an odd! It's 1-3 odd! Anyway, I finished that in class and did a little of my physics.

That's scary that you're a junior in high school and aren't capitalizing 'Boston.'

In Spanish we just did some Spanish. Then to art class, where we, uh... got back our woven pictures and grades for those. My sheet had everything but the final grade on it. Great. Then we got to pick half of a picture and glue it into our sketchbooks. We'll draw the other half of our pictures in colored pencil tomorrow. Then I got to go and put my crosshatched blimp into my portfolio. She told the freshmen they had to take all of their old stuff out. I never heard that. I never did that. All of my old stuff is still in there. I don't know, I don't care. I had the rest of class to finish my Spanish already and finish my physics.
Next was math class. We stood in a circle and ate brownies and then had inside-out Reese's cups, frozen. That was good. After that we went over the homework and reviewed for our test tomorrow. And some free time.

That's what that's for; it's so you can put one of those explosive things in there.

Lunch was more disturbing than usual, and Adam broke the table. Unrelated.
History was looking at our tests from Friday and then more notes from 1850-1854 or so. More sleeping at the end of that class, as usual.

You can no longer tour the White House, but you could probably tour the outhouse of the White House.

Then physics, where we shared part of the activity that was supposed to be done at home but a few did earlier today. And then talking about physics and what we will be doing this week. And more empty time. There were brownies, which I had none of, and Swedish Fish (the kind that are seahorses and stuff).
Then to study hall with nothing to do. I just listened to music.
And a bus ride home with no one to talk to. I just listened to music.
I came home and talked to some people on IM and looked up playing chords on bass guitar. I'm still very confused about that.

Those are mine... you're playing with my cards. (stops playing with them) You're touching my cards. (drops them)

Well this week is determined to be abnormal.
Band in the morning was squishy on the football field. Not too cold.
English is just ridiculous. The ACT prep is pretty much a joke to me. When he says, "You need to be doing the ACT prep," I laugh. It's ridiculous. And then the notes. Today there was a little talk about what the notes meant. I think it was Sammi that looked in the book and found what it said about chicken gloves. Wow! The book! Imagine that!
Spanish was busy. I had a headache, which made it really hard to concentrate or pay attention. I haven't had a headache this year before, so it was hard to deal with. But that period ended with activity period, so I almost got my homework done.
In art we had half of a picture cut out of a magazine. I think I have Wolf Blitzer. We have to use colored pencils to draw the other half. Mine is going alright.
Then was math. We took a test, which with the headache was a little bad but it was fine. For some reason the math tests that used to be so hard now seem so easy. I end up doodling on them a little. I mirrored one of my answers below itself, and then my name. And then just handed it in and finished my Spanish and worked on English some.
Then was lunch. Fairly normal lunch. Zach was quiet for most of the time because Shane wasn't there. They talked about TP-ing and egging houses, trees, yards, and driveways. I studied my history and tried to tune everything out and shield myself. I covered my ears today for no particular reason. Then it was noted that police officers were wandering in, and teachers had an instant message they needed to read.
So we went to sixth hour, from which we put our coats and bags and sweatshirts and purses in the halls and were dismissed by teacher to go to the middle school. We got to just hang out there for the rest of the afternoon. I'm glad I had my music.
The was an "unsubstatiated" threat, evidently. I was in the mode where I really don't care. What happens, happens. So I just listened to music and talked to a few people a little bit.
So then I rode the bus home and talked about rocks and remote islands and money.
Now I'm home with only English to read. We have the PSAT tomorrow. Maybe I'll look at the packet thing we got on that. Maybe I won't.
Yeah, I didn't. So we went to school and then went to first hour, from which we left for the gym. We had a little assembly, which, again, I just find really odd. The "speedball" nets and cones are set up in there, and there is about half of one row of bleachers pulled out. So you sit on the floor. It was really short, but that's a little weird to have us all go sit in the gym. Our principal once again told us how the administration thought that there was no danger at all, but they just want us to be safe. And then he said that, "when; not if, when," he finds out who is resoponsible for "inconveniencing" him, he will make sure they do not go to our school. For the rest of the year? Ever?
So then we got to go take the PSAT. My calculator was "illegal," but it really didn't matter. I've decided that it stands for Pretty Sorry Attempt at a Test. I was done 5 or 10 minutes early (or more) on each part. The questions were easy for the most part. Some of the literature questions got a little weird, but other than that it was fine. The math was so easy I probably didn't need the calculator. I had the time to do the addition and division on paper. So when I was done I either read some of the passages for fun, without the time constraint, or wrote out notes for the bass guitar.
Once that waste of time was over, I went to math, where Dylan and I threw a wad of paper back and forth for 45 minutes. Fisher joined in some, too. We got out of breath and sweaty. Well, I did. Dylan got sweaty, and Fisher got nothing. So then we had an empty lunch without the seniors, but that was fine. The principle was impressed by my drinking of mashed potatoes. And I cleaned up a gravy spill with a milk carton.
We then went to history. I guess that will always be the only class we have all the time. Besides, we're behind from yesterday. I think the other two hours are in the morning. So we talked about Pierce's term and went up to Buchanan, and then went on to discuss his orientation.

His bow just screams 'gay'?

As she predicted, we did not get caught up today.

But we got on a neat discussion about a gay bow.

And then to physics, in which I was the only student present. So I got to sit and read while three teachers talke about teaching (gasp!) and Jolly Ranchers and IM's and job security. Sammi came in partway through, and a couple freshmen to take some tests they missed, but that was it. B didn't even pay us a visit. But my teacher said that she had taught nothing all day, and had gotten nothing much done.
So then it was to study hall. I listened to music, pondered music, and... sat there.
Such a week. Such a waste of time.
I might get to play the guitar when I go to church tonight. Finally.
I must end with the motto of our physics class for no particular reason.

To Hell with it!

De-Icing

2006-10-15T16:42:00.000-05:00

themWell this week has been long and hard.
After having the huge Scarlet Letter test on Friday of the week before, we had another big English test again on Thursday. Along with history and physics tests on Friday and Spanish on Wednesday.
Ever since Sabrina mentioned that they needed a bass player for church I've been considering asking her about it, and I finally got around to it. Now we'll see how long it takes for me to get around to having a bass to play.
So Monday was no school, making it a short week. We had play practice on Monday, and then Thursday. We finally did Act 2, and I like the parts I got. The rest of the week was fine. The tests went pretty well. It was cold this week, so early band was freezing. Then we had the game on Friday. I made sure I dressed warmly for the temperatures approaching freezing and the 10 to 15 knot winds. I had jeans with sweatpants over them, and a long-sleeved shirt with a sweatshirt over it, and then my uniform on over that. We went outside to warm up and it was fine, which was a bad sign. Once we got in the wind, it was freezing. The clarinets can't wear regular gloves and play, so I had some old ones that were too small. It was good that they had holes in them so that my fingers could stick out and the glove could fit better. But with my fingers and my face and neck fully exposed, the wind really made it cold. We had to march out there and wait for the senior awards to be presented and then wait for the football team to come out. I did see Shane's cushion joke, and that was pretty funny. By the time we got to go back in, I was very cold. So I put on my coat and went outside. I wandered down to the couch where Shane was and stood there and watched the game until we had to go in. Shane and Breymeyer going back and forth made for some good entertainment (Shane made it funny, as he always does). So after being frozen and then frozen, we had to march again. So we went to the gym and marched out there. One person, who shall go unnamed, forgot to come back for the half tiem show, and ran past us to go get dressed while we were on our way to the field. We marched out and the show went fine, considering the cold. That freshman (yes, I'll tell you that much) came running in at the end of the first song with jeans hanging way out of the pants, which was funny.
After putting my stuff away and helping Nick to load the trailer, my dad wanted to go home, and I was cold, so we went home.
The next day we had a competition in Metamora, but we didn't have to be there until 0945 or later, so that was good. I got plenty of sleep, and then got there and got on a bus. I wore the same thing that I did the night before, except for a T-shirt instead of long sleeves and I also took a sweater. So That sat with me again. The route was almost the same as it was to Washington, but it wasn't so hard this time. We got there and had plenty of time to get dressed. We all lined up "like we did in the rain" and figured out where everyone needed to be. My plume was falling over, and evidently it was the one that Heidi broke, so she fixed it and that was fine. We marched parade, and I marched straight down the yellow line that was never there. I was out of step during the judging, at the end of our song the first time. And I didn't have much breath for the second time. I was thinking about Breymeyer saying there wasn't anything hard about marching band. So then we got to take our hats off, and I was sweating, regretting wearing the sweatshirt. But after unzipping a little and getting back into the wind, I cooled off pretty quickly. I helped Sam take the banner on to the other bus, because it was in her way, so she didn't want it on the upperclassmen bus. We then had about 40 minutes to take our coats and hats off, go get something to eat, and put our coats and hats back on. I had a pork chop sandwich and chips and water, saving some water and the cookies for later. Then we got all ready for the field show. I was tired already, but it went pretty well. We all got back and took our uniforms off, and put them away, and then we had the rest of the afternoon to leave (as Kelsey and Dylan did) or watch the rest of the bands.

Molly, where's dad?

So I went and stood by the fence for the whole time. In the same spot. Nick was there a couple of times, Nate came once, and Leah and her friends came a few times. Peter randomly walked up and gave me a cup of hot chocolate, and stayed until he finished his. Other than that, my only company was a bunch of Niles West kids that showed up for the awards. They were really funny to listen to and watch. I was shivering while waiting for the awards to finally be awarded. It took a long time after they marched the drum majors out there, and then the leader shook everyone's hand, and then they tried to do the wave. Finally the scores were done, and we ended up with first in parade with best flags and third in field show. Niles West didn't win anything.
So then we all got on the bus and left. It took me until we got to the interstate to warm up. I ate the rest of the cookies and then slowly finished the water. They say that spicy foods help you cool down, so I figured that the minty cookies would inversely help me warm up. I think they did a little. The sunset was beautifully golden, and I lied down between two seats for a little while and rested.
We got back, took all of the instruments in, and broke one of the trophies. You know it only took a few people to do that.
After that I went home to put my jeans on over my sweatpants instead of under them, pick up a flashlight and gloves, and leave for the Rembrandt cookout.
I found 2300 pretty easily, found a familiar car, and parked. Then I felt my way down to the firelight and voices. Evidently they had just ended a game of capture the flag, and Dylan was too good to be found. So they all warmed up some and then we started a new game. Dylan and I went off, and after hearing voices hid. He hid shallowly, and I hid deeply. So a group of people walked by. Kyle, Naomi, Wes, Jessica, and Sammi. So they were talking about hiding the flag somewhere when Dylan shouted at them. They then came back and found him. He let them know that I had been right behind him, and could be anywhere. So after they left, I came out and started down the path. I got closer to where Dylan evidently was when I heard something in the woods. I stopped and heard nothing. I went forward some and stopped. There was something in there, I kind of thought it was someone. So I turned and ran back down the trail and met Wes. I was caught between whatever I was running from (I don't know what) and him, so I hid. But he was too close and there wasn't anywhere to hide, so he found me and took me to where everyone else and Dylan was. They still hadn't hidden their flag, and were all standing around Dylan and me. Wes left, and then so did Naomi, Sammi, and Jessica. Kyle was tired and cold, so he just "guarded" Dylan and me while we lit things in the torch. Kyle made it clear that he would not try to catch me, but if he caught me I would regret running. I just stayed. So Wes came back with our obviously-hidden flag, and the game ended. I went and hid in the woods, and everyone else went back to the fire. I had a nice place to lie down and think. My clothes were fairly warm, and after a while the noises weren't scary anymore. Yes, I had to qualm my fears of UFO's. But I just forgot about the fears and eventually decided at 2045 that I would wait until 2100, and if they didn't come to find me, I would call Jessica, because she had been sad when I left for the cookout and I hadn't heard her voice since Saturday. So at 2058 I went out to the edge of a field and called her, immediately getting voicemail. I sat there looking at the stars some, and then snuck back to the fire. I ended up getting some brownies and a Mountain Dew and going back out with Dylan. I finished my brownies and then hid with the Mountain Dew for some "hide and seek." Wes was around, and Dylan and I were yelling at him, and he didn't know where we were, so he just gave up. I drank my Mountain Dew and then took a tour of the woods, returning to the fire. Dylan wandered off behind the little clump of trees and wood pile (I'm keen on those things), and eventually I joined him. We just lied down and watched the stars as the rest of the people still there talked about horror movies, which changed to talk of a masquerade ball. We saw one shooting star. Then we went back to the fire and soon it was 2200 and we all left. I went home and got in bed.
Church today was great. I played some foosball with our intern minister against George and a younger kid. We won. The new pastor/minister (Is there a difference?) and his wife shared with us their testimonial, and then we had some free time before we had to go downstairs. I just sat alone in fear and lack of confidence for too much of the time. Sabrina told me I should go say hi to the new guy, and I went up there, but went over and watched George play foosball. After that game was over (10-2, George won), we sat down and talked some. Eventually Sabrina took me back up to the new guy, and I got to talk to him some. I don't really know what he said, but I look very familiar to him. Evidently he knew someone that looked very much like me. And I think he was named Jason.
So then we went downstairs and listened to the music and the message about stuff. How we have too much stuff. And how we just want more stuff.
We ended up finding out that there was neither a bass nor an amp in the storage closet, so Rori would ask his son if I could borrow his. We'll see how that goes.
Another week... where shall I place my hope? I hope in seeing Jessica... and... if I do, I've hoped for too much in that... and then there are the times I don't. I hoped in the bass, and it's repeatedly fallen through...
I need to find some things that... are more under my control. Things to hope for that I can make happen. And that may even be better...
(posting this reminds me... my mouse is screwed up... again)

Voila!

2006-10-08T16:02:00.000-05:00

Well after the horrible darkness of the game, I had some time to wait until the dance. Knowing that Jessica was okay really helped. I typed some and did my homework, and then got ready and left. It was wonderful to see Jessica again, and we left for Biaggi's.
I'm still learning a lot about feelings. I'm still learning how to treasure every moment instead of wasting it away with worries and wants.
So we got to Biaggi's and stood in the entrance area, blinded by the Light, until Dylan summoned us. We went in and sat down, where everyone else already was.
Dinner was okay. Jessica started by putting the menu up in front of her head, so JJ (Can I call her that? The two Jessicas would get confusing.) and Kelsey followed suit. I felt a little left out of the conversation because I had no idea what was going on. I eventually just started saying things to myself whether anyone heard them or not, and then started drawing and writing with my pen to release the emotions... when I had the pen, that is. I didn't eat all of my spaghetti and had no room for any ice cream or bread. I mostly make weird expressions to amuse JJ because at least someone is paying attention to me, and at least I can do something to add to the "conversation." So we left, me feeling a little dark, for Borders.
We got to Borders and went in, none of the darkness illuminated, only growing. I ended up wandering off some. I felt unneeded and unwanted. I knew that wasn't true, but I felt like that. Another thing I need to learn to forget and just enjoy what time I have.
I was able to share some things, and it got a little better before we left for the dance. Kelsey's rambling in French did help to cheer me up and take my mind off of the darkness. She also managed to contaminate two parts of the store before we left.
On the way there, we had a little confusion about where we were going before Jessica finally assured me that I did know where we were homecoming was.
We got to the dance and found everyone else. We sat at the table for most of the time. The people were messing with the balloons, one of which was already popped, just pushing them back and forth. That turned into throwing of the silver styrofoam star that served as a weight, which turned into writing on the star, which turned into Zach putting the star in his mouth and Peter squeezing it, which turned into ripping the star apart and throwing around the mutilated pieces. Jessica was not very happy about the defacing of an effigy. The pieces of styrofoam and the empty bottles of pop and popped ballons all over the table made quite a sight.

We better get the hell out of here before they make us clean this up.

There was fine glitter everywhere, and it was in the balloons, too...
Of course Chase went running across the dance floor with a star strapped to his head...
It's too bad Shane wasn't able to make it. I think he would have had a great time.
I got Jessica a Pepsi, though she really wanted a Coke. The other big thing was the multiplayer rock-paper-scissors tournaments. That entertained them for quite a while. Zach had already had two bottles of diet Pepsi, and was reminded of why he shouldn't rock so hard...
Eventually Ballroom Blitz came on and we all got up and danced. Then it was back to the table. It was good to be with Jessica again, and then dance with her, and then it was time to go. I took her to her house, and then I went back to mine. I got to sleep without too much trouble and then woke up and went to church. Jessica wasn't able to make it, as she had to leave this morning, and it was hard for me. We had a nice discussion in the small group about using your gifts, your passion, your abilities, your personality, and your experiences for God. Then Sabrina led Thirst, awesome as usual, and Shawn talked about not being "lukewarm" in faith.
This afternoon has been pretty hard. It's back to being nice outside, reminding me of the summer... and... it's hard. I don't really have anything to do today or tomorrow besides the play, so I'm trying to find things to get my mind off of the pain.
Sometimes things look so hopeless....

Going Around

2006-10-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

School this week has been fine. The pointlessness of homecoming and everything it entails (minus the people, because that part is great), the lack of homework and things to do.
I did make a correction on a sign listing the activities. It said that Tuesday was "Show you class color." I took a red pen to it and changed it to "your" and signed it TGV.
Sra thanked me.
On Thursday we had pizza in pre-cal. That seems like such a long time ago...
And then on Friday the freshmen all had name tags that said "Hello, I'm a freshmen."
I was forced to digress.
I finished my crosshatching of three guys chasing a blimp. We took our English test over The Scarlet Letter.
I had been looking forward to last night all week... for the last two weeks, actually. I think I made some mistakes, though, even back that far. I expected too much. Not that what I expected was more than I would get, but that I shouldn't have expected at all, let alone as much as I did. It only creates disappointment and confusion.
So the day went by and finally the time had come to leave for band. Jessica wasn't there yet, so I just went in and got dressed. I realized I had brought my iAudio, but not the headphones, which, as minor as it was, was still a disappointment. So I got into my uniform and we warmed up and then went to the field. It was fine then, not too cold yet, and only light winds. So I went and sat down and just... thought about things for most of the time. I put my sleeves together to keep warm. Kelsey was worried about me. I was cold, of course, and concentrating on getting warmer. I was missing Jessica, and trying to get ready to see her again. So we went to line up and my hat was gone. I finally found it (it didn't take long) and went to line up. We clarinets played some nice stuff and then we had to march. I was pretty much shivering and my fingers were getting more and more numb. Unlike one early morning practice, I was able to play the music without too much trouble despite the cold. So we got back and Jessica was holding the door. I got undressed and dressed and then finally went out to see her.
I was expecting to be coming in slowly and just land in her arms, both literally and figuratively. Expecting. And when that didn't happen, I was lost and defeated. She was just saying such beautiful things about nature and colors and God and the seasons... but we still seemed far apart.
So thorughout the rest of the night I think things got progressively worse. I was feeling bad. I had expecting things that hadn't happened, I was too afraid to mention them, and they just piled up higher and higher as I refused to share my feelings. I thought I just needed to go... but I had nowhere to go. What I needed most was to come, not go. We talked some to Peter and then David and Jessica, and then Sabrina.
And then my sister wanted to leave, so I headed out to the parking lot. Jessica was still asking what was wrong, as she was the whole time, and I was still silent. I just needed to share, but for some reason I was so unwilling and afraid to share what I felt.
Eventually... I just turned around... and she was gone. No goodbye. Nothing.
That was pretty much the closing shot. I was devastated, really. I just wanted to cry.
I went home and hardly said anything to my parents on my way upstairs. I think that's one of the worst parts about these things. I just wanted to go home and cry and go to sleep and leave it all behind. But I couldn't. I had to take a shower and take my medication and then finally go to bed after maybe an hour of that. So I just blew through it all, trying to figure out what was wrong and what I could have done and what I need to learn from it all.
Eventually my dad came in to talk about it. We sort of did, and then he left.
I finally cried, and I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. I had looked forward to this for two weeks and it was over, a total failure. Gone. Never to come again. Over.
And it was empty. I don't know why my nights are so empty, but last night it hurt more than I think it ever has. I just cried. And when I was done with that, I tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. I realized I was not just going to fall asleep like that. I was too sad and too lonely and too hurt. So I got my iAudio and listened to it, something I haven't done in a really long time. Eventually I fell asleep with that.
So then I woke up this morning and it wasn't as empty as it could have been, because mornings tend to be hard, too. But it was fine. My clothes fit and I'm all ready to go. There's some laundry to do, but that's about it.
I talked to Sabrina some, and that really helped.
I also read some of what Jessica said during the last time we were apart... and it really told me a lot.
I need to open up. It's closing in on myself that separates me from the help I need most. I get used to not sharing, not talking. Not telling people how I feel, not telling them what's on my mind, not telling them what I'm worried about or hurt about or sad about. And then, just as I can't say what's wrong, I can't cry.
Maybe this was the shock I needed. I've gotten a few of those lately. I hope they make a difference. I hope they change me.
So if I ever seem troubled, try to help me share what the problem is. That's what I need most. Keeping it inside kills me, and it ends up hurting others, too.

Washington Crosses The Fifty

2006-09-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

Also known as "Dubya Crosses Da Fiddy." Multiple meanings.
At the last minute on Friday Shane called a movie night at his house. Nobody was able to come but me, really. Kevin was already there when I arrived. He had to leave shortly after, and so Shane ran around doing things and talked on the Internet while I played Guitar Hero. I got to use the wireless controller, and it was pretty nice. I didn't like it quite as much as the old ones, but the freedom was nice. So in a little while Shane decided to play, and I gave him the wireless and took an old one. While we were playing, Shane decided we had to mimic our character on screen. I was just trying to play the right notes... so Shane tried to do the levitate effect and a few others and the wireless guitar started having some problems. Shane had invited Nick, so he showed up. We let Nick have a few failed songs on career play, and then Kevin showed up again with Brittany. So Brittany and Nick had a best out of three, and then Kevin and Shane had a best out of three. Then I played Joann and then just by myself until Shane decided to watch the Boondocks. Spencer showed up with two friends, and they sort of did some emulator stuff while we watched the Boondocks.
Then Joann suggested that we play tag or something, so they decided to play some capture the flag. While they went to get balls, I decided to hide on the roof. I stayed there until I realized that I needed my jacket, so I came down. I lost one of my pens up there, too. So I got on my jacket, got tackled, and the game ended I guess. I don't know. But just from my running I got out of breath. So we started new teams and played again. Shane had a grand plan to distract the other people while I found a place to hide and then he would get the ball and pass it to me. Well, he snuck up and promptly got caught and I had to get the heck out of there to not get tagged myself. So I made a couple attempts to get around the sides, and got out of breath again. I ended up just sitting down in the grass. I almost stopped a jailbreak, and just deterred Spencer and Dylan (Spencer's friend) from coming from that side. I stopped Kevin from stealing one of the balls. Although I really didn't run too much, it got me really out of breath. So when the game was over we just stopped, and I lied down on the ground. I was just fighting to keep breathing and not throw up. Spencer and his friends tied to go to Hoffman's, and but they came back. Shane said somethings that surprised me and really helped me feel better. Seeing that someone cares makes recovery a whole different story. So he helped me up and over to the porch swing, and they got me a Coke.

I could go for a tasty beverage.

Jessica likes Coke. So that meant something. I still needed to drive home in under an hour, so I decided I just needed to relax and let the light-headedness and nausea and headache that were on and off clear up. I went into the band room and Shane played some guitars. I really enjoyed that. He even let me try to play some. I had never played a guitar before, so that was interesting. It wasn't long until I had to go, and so I came home and went to bed for the band competition on Saturday.
I had to get up on Saturday about the same time as I'd usually get up for school. So that was fine, and THat sat with me on the way there. I rested and thought and listened to music on the way there. The ride was normal. I enjoyed the fields and the cows and the pumpkins and the houses. Once we got there I realized where we were and I started thinking back to last year. We got dressed for parade and lined up. I got to march with the saxes, which was interesting. They had their own horn move for the cadence. The parade was fine. Nothing stellar. So I was tired and hot after that, and got my bandana on and got out of my uniform. Our bus was next to district 66. I went with Kelsey and Dylan to Dairy Queen. Last year Jessica's mom took her, Dylan, and me to Dairy Queen and then Wal Mart. Things just never change. And then we walked back to the busses and got dressed for the field show. We warmed up in the gym and then marched out to the field. We're at the back of the line so we always have to deal with being pushed back against obstacles and just generally indefinitely pushed back. We got on the field and marched the show okay. The horn move in the first song really needs reenforcement. My hat slipped forward some on the first song, but I just tilted my head back through the rest of the songs to keep it on. I actually almost made my spot at the end of the show. So we marched off and got out of the uniforms again and put them back on the trailer along with our hats. Dylan, Kelsey, and I went to get some things to drink and played with a rubber band. After that we went and sat on the bus listening to music. Peter came, too. I used some of the Wicked music to make cones to amplify the earpieces. We also hooked up an iPizzle speaker pillow. It was fun to listen to the songs at high speed. There was a group of people at the bus next to us talking about aviation, and then they opened up the engine of the bus and started talking about that. Then everyone came back and we left. We ended up with second in field show and best drum majors for parade. Quite well considering the competition.
You might be able to tell from this post that I'm tired right now. I came home and was informed that occupying the bus without the driver present is in violation of state law and that I'm not to do that again. I'm going to get a shower and go to bed for church and laundry and homework tomorrow. I might do a little homework tonight, too.

Click!

2006-09-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'll do this song thing. With the understanding that it can and most likely will be completely absurd due to my collection. I'm looking at 9632 songs by 2341 artists totalling 27 days 22 hours 16 minuts and taking up 30.8 GB.

Opening Credits: "The American Way" The Crystal Method
Fitting title... it's an odd rap song. Not too bad, just... different.

Waking Up: "One Way Out" Niels Van Gogh
Again, fitting title. It's an odd poppish song I guess.

Falling in Love: "Symmetry" Falling Up
I like this song. I do think the title works.

Fight scene: "Twenty-One" The Eagles
Definitely not a fight song.

Breaking up: "Yahweh" U2
Yep. Works nicely.

Getting back together: "Into My Heart" Rachel Fuller
Hmmm... SXSW 2005. Fitting title. I like the piano. And the lyrics work great.

Secret Love: "This Is Your Life" Switchfoot
It's not bad. I don't think it fits too well... but it kind of does.

Life's okay: "The First Noel" Mannheim Steamroller
Sure, I guess that works.

Mental breakdown: "Orange Blossom Special" Johnny Cash
This makes no sense! Unless it's just... crazily random. Insanity.

Driving Flashback: "Last Goodbye" AKO
Bad song. SXSW again. I'm deleting it. It might work here... but it's not a good song.

Partying: "Ticket To Ride" The Beatles
Eh, I don't know.

Happy dance: "Baby, Please Don't Go" ACDC
I don't know... maybe.

Regretting: "Overkill" Jimmy Buffett
I guess that works.

Long night alone: "Roll Away" Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
Yep, I think that works.

Death Scene: "Fight For All The Wrong Reasons" Nickelback
Yes, good song for a death scene.

Credits: "Rise" Disturbed
Um... sure. Doesn't fit the rest, but hey. It works.

Wow... it's been a while.
These weeks have been fine. Long and tiring days.
So... yeah. School has gone fine. English has been off to a rough start but I think it's looking better.
I think I want to post this... so I will. This has been a hard year so far. It was hard to go back to school without Jessica... and then for her to go to school without me, far away. Just the idea of it really hurt. It's taken a while to get used to it and deal with it, but I think I'm doing better. I've struggled with the shell a lot, too. At least I have a better idea of what the shell is... and why it is... and what I can do about it. It's good to see Jessica... but it's hard to part with her again. Recently I realized... I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be myself.
So we had some football games. Jessica was at the last one. That was a nice surprise. It was so good to see her again... since I hadn't seen her since we left her at college. And then was marching band. I got to see her there, too. It was hot in the uniforms... but it could have been worse. We marched pretty well. What seems like a huge problem on the field... isn't a problem from the box. Sometimes it really stands out, but small problems blend in. It was great to be with Jessica, and it was cool to see some of the larger bands. No fireballs, though.
On the way home... I just cried. That's how I felt. So I did. I listened to music... mouthed the words... looked at the stars... and just let out the feelings. It felt good. Much better than holding them all inside.
I got to go to Galesburg to be with Jessica on Saturday. It was great. We took a walk into Galesburg some, watched Ever After, and at both the cafeteria and the Gizmo, and sat and talked. Jessica also looked at dA and some other things online.
So it's been basically day to day. I've been getting less afraid, more true to myself, more open. There have been fights, but I think I'm making progress.
I'll start with some quotes from math. Small class, and there are some funny moments.

Theorems drive me mad.
That's a short drive for you, Bane.

Yeah...

He doesn't understand that he's not Flash Gordon.

Dang... that's a hard one to get across.

Did you write him up?
He's a freshman. We have to.

She's kind of mean about the freshmen...

Who needs friends when you've got a calculator? Crap, where is mine?

That one was just hilarious... nobody seems to notice these things.

I have not sympathy for people who are stupid around power tools.

How about people that are just stupid?

I would guess that zero have ever said they've been killed by a stingray.

Yeah... that would probably be a good guess.

He'll come back and say he didn't mean to quit.

No, Nelly, he doesn't quit every time he leaves the room. For cryin' out loud...

I think I said no. I'm not sure why you're still talking to me.

He just talks without regard.

I just got bit by a spider. I hope it's nuclear so I can shoot webs.

He's worse than the students... and I don't trust him. He can't even reliably tell us which questions we have to answer for the chapters we read. He glosses over any questions that aren't in his "lecture."

Let me try to read announcements before my forehead swells.

It gets a little old after 5 or 10 minutes.

Oh, you've never done anything wrong, like eat Skittles the entire period.

Having to confiscate the candy...

I will kill your notebook. I will eat it.

Great. Mine wouldn't be very filling.

Reagan was a greaser.
Yeah, he was a gangser, yo.

Such enriching conversations about history.

Does anybody know his name?... They named a mountain after him.
Rocky.

That wasn't that funny in my opinion.

$400,000. Not exactly that much compared to an athlete.
Or a gangster.

Uh huh...

So what brings you here?
Lunch.
You came here for lunch?
I brought my own.

Yeah, why would anyone come to school for lunch if they had a choice. Unless they're like me and they don't care. I sort of noticed this week how bad school food is... but I really don't care.
There was a movie night on Friday. It went very well. I got to go pick up David first. After exploring his neighborhood a little I finally got there. Of course, as soon as I picked him up, I turned down a no-outlet, providing me a nice place to turn around.
We got there and watched some Sea Lab before switching to Guitar Hero. I had some alone time in between to think and imagine... I miss having Jessica there. Not the one that was there, obviously. Kelsey and Dylan went off by themselves and were joined by David and Jessica. So Shane and Meghann and Zack and I watched some Birdman. I periodically went out to check on the talking group. While Meghann and Jessica were playing Guitar Hero for the first time, we started yelling click at the appropriate times. It turned into quite a game of screaming click and then making odd sounds on the strums.
The volume didn't work right, so I figured out how to fix it and promptly had the stereo at concert levels. Of course, Shane and I went to do a song together, and it all turned off and said "Protect." That was great. So we had to turn it down and then we played. Jessica was bothering Shane, and in trying to get her away he pulled his guitar out of the PS2. A message popped up.

You are rocking out a little bit too hard.

Not exactly, but that was funny. There were some pool games played, too. Eventually, we all left around ten.

Well, now that I've voted, I'm a real man. Where's my Fruit Roll Up?!?

I stayed after school on Tuesday to help Erik paint the set for the middle school play. Even though I'm only in Art I, I was held to be the expert on the art room I know nothing about. There was one funny thing... we needed a paint stirrer, so I finally found one lying on the table. So I gave it to another helper to give to Erik. Then I came out there, and he was just playing around with it and hitting it on his hand while he was talking to me. I don't even remember what he was saying. And then, suddenly, he realized that there was wet paint on it.
In art class we're making special fall projects. If our leaves can be blue and purple, then why does the football have to be brown? Watercolors are fun, though.
Nothing much besides that. FFA was gone today. Multiple meanings were suggested by Shane for FFA, including F Florida and Fast Forward A. Dylan was also gone.
Kelsey's eyes were shiny...

Letting go gets a better grip...

Dairy Queen Money

2006-09-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Well school has been school.

¿Es su tio y su novio?

Ah, Spanish class...

You took the constitution test...
I think that was the one where we went a, b, d, d, d...

Um... that was all of them that year.

Students can name more characters from the Simpsons than they can their five basic rights. Is this true?
Um, there's Bart, Homer... oh, Smithers...

I don't believe I've ever watched a full episode of that (even cumulatively). Yet it's still true. But, hey, there are more Simpsons characters than there are five basic rights.

He is the anti-drug poster child.

I'd never heard of this guy.
So that's the day in quotes. For Wednesday.
So Thursday night Shane invited me into town to go and look for some stuff and have dinner and hang out. I asked my parents, we figured out how to get it worked out, and Shane came to pick me up at 1710 with the agreement that I'd be back by 2130.
So first we went to his grandma's house. She was the one that had pizza and drinks for us when we went to Clinton a while ago.
I liked her house. It was small and cluttered, but not too cluttered. Cluttered nicely. And she talked with us some and gave us chocolate and offered soft drinks, which we declined.
She explained to me how they're the good side of the family.

Go with the Cubs... we kill people. I haven't killed anyone myself, but I have ordered hits.

Great incentive. She also told me to stay smart.
So we left there with money, too, and headed to Midwest Exchange. I'd never been there before, and it was cool. It kind of looked like my room, but a little more organized I think. There was some interesting stuff there. And losts of CD's. And computers...
So we left there and went to Circuit City. We got a 3rd Rock From The Sun DVD and some blank CD's, because Shane's grandma wants a copy of some Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. Shane had to go out and get the money once he knew how much to get. The cashier took a long look at the DVD before putting it in the bag.
After that we left and went to... Best Buy. What a trip. We looked at all of the music and the 3rd Rock Borders. We looked at more 3rd Rock and John Frusciante. I saw a bunch of other stuff, too. Of course. So we went back out to the car and couldn't find the keys. So we went back into Best Buy and spent an hour looking for them before we finally went back out to the van and found them.
That long search built up our appetites, so we headed to DQ.

Don't be shy; it's only Dairy Queen.

That should be their new slogan. So we had root beer and burgers and ate there. Food. Yeah...
Shane was hilarious as he usually is.

Their going outside. They just came this way to walk by you.

Right. I don't think so. That just doesn't make sense.
So we left there and went to Borders. More searching for John and 3rd Rock, along with the ~$50 Stadium Arcadium boxed set with "space-age discoveries." In a box!
So after that we proceeded to Wal Mart. For the same. And we looked a cell phones.
I can't remember order anymore.
Shane said some really funny things, because they were so true. Well... sort of.

All of the good girls are in youth group.

So then we left Wal Mart and went to... get gas. Shane had a lot of fun with the bell that dings when the lights are on and/or the door is open while the vehicle is off but the keys are still in the ignition. Yep. Lots of fun. And then while pumping gas he had a lot of fun with the meter. Pumping one thousandth of a gallon at a time (or less!). And then he went in, and I considered hiding behind the seat so that he would get in and I wouldn't be there. But I decided against it and he came out and rand into the window. So from there we left for home. It was about the right home for me to get home by 2130. But we got to Hershey and he realized we forgot headphones and grape juice. So we went back to Big K. I think this was my favorite part of the whole trip. We go to Big K at 2130 at night and by a bottle of grape juice and a pair of headphones.

I need the money.

Great first words at the register.

The Dairy Queen money.

Yeah.

I hope we have enough. We're missing $30.

Yeah... the cashier is getting more suspicious by the second here. Shane is being Shane and I'm just laughing.

Well he's just laughing. How old are you?... have you two been doing drugs?

Seriously, what do you say or do to convince someone that you are not on drugs?

You're reciept's right there.
What?
Your reciept.
Where?
You seriously don't see that big-ass reciept there?
What?
Here you go. I think you two have been smoking pot.

Thanks for letting me know. I'll be sure to come again.
So from there we went home. My parents were very angry about me being 13 minutes late (the official charge is 12), and that was the last straw with Shane. So I can't ride with him or do things with him for a while. Great.
Then I talked to Jessica, and it was a complete opposite. I'm totally speechless about the things she said... I don't even know what to say...
And Friday was fine. I was a little too afraid, and tired, and it was a Friday, so... it was okay.
I read act four and did my Spanish, so my homework is to study for history for Tuesday and draw a map for art class. I'm liking how it's coming.
We talked about English class in math on Thursday. It was interesting.

She wrote more on my essay than I did.

That's really funny. I like that.

Well some of this is good. See, this one is good.

I guess Nelly doesn't write so much on our papers. I had one comment on my paper there and had a point off for it.

What's PV?
I don't know, but she marked off for it a lot.
What's VT?

Yeah... math class.

We've learned all of that stuff by now. That's not the stuff we're getting reamed for.

I kind of agree. But I've never had her.

This isn't even AP Lit, this is just English 4.

Yeah, sure. Why do you think I "have what it takes"?

All of those French foods that are really American.

Yeah, now we're into history class.

How much is the test?
One hundred.
And twenty.
Holy...

Yeah... big test. I'm not sure how well I do. We'll see how the studying goes when I get around to it.

Crazy; death penalty.

Uh oh...
In physics today they put Keebs in a garbage can and wheeled him into the IMC. Evidently. And we got candy. Yum... I've gotten a lot of candy lately.
That's all for now. Here's something I liked. And I'll selectively fill it out.

Are you proud of who you are?: sometimes
What is your main goal in life?: Someday...
What are your hobbies?: computers, Linux, airplanes
Are you healthy?: sort of
Are you currently in school?: yes
How old are you?: 4^2
Which is more important: Money, Knowledge, or Wisdom? I would say wisdom. It's more... useful, I guess.
Do you cut your nails regularly?: I kind of pick.
What kind of music do you listen to?: Anything, really. Within reason.
Are you an introvert or extrovert?: Severe introvert.
Do you lead or follow?: I usually follow. Unless I know what I'm doing. Which isn't often.
Inside or outside?: Outside

School
Do you like school?: Less now, but yes.
Do you have any cliques you fit in at school?: GSC
Which subject is your favorite? History? Math? One of those two. Fun classes.
Which subject is your least favorite?: English.
How many good teachers have you had?: I'll go with four.
Have you failed any grades?: No.
Have you skipped any grades?: No.
Which graduation class are you in?: 2008
Are you popular at school?: Not really.
Are you happy with your grades?: Pretty much.
Do you study?: Yes.
Do you usually have homework?: Math and Spanish and English.
Do you procrastinate?: Not really.
How much do you procrastinate?: Not nearly as much as I used to.

Social Life.
How many friends do you have?: 1.3 * 10^-13 I'm kidding. Six?
How many hours do you spend on the phone a week?: It really depends. Maybe 1 or 2.
How many people are on all your IM buddy lists?: More than I care about.
Do you e-mail people?: Yes.
How often do you hang out? Not too often [anymore].
Do you like parties?: Not really.
Do you like to dance?: Yeah... I guess I do.
What's your ideal weekend?: Um... Jessica.
Who is your best friend?: Well besides Jessica probably Dylan.
How many of your friends hold differant values than you?: All of them.
How many of your friends stick up for you? <1 style="font-style: italic;">Traveling Light.
What word describes you?: Reserved. Ooh, multiple meanings...
Do you get along with your parents?: Sort of.
Do you get in fights?: Yeah. I don't want to. But somehow it happens.
How often do you start fights?: Start fights? I don't know if I ever do...
How often do you finish them?: Haha that's funny NEVER.
Do you use proper grammer when you are IMing somebody?: It depends on my typing mood and who I'm talking to.
Do you write in internet lingo?: When applicable.
Do you type in 1337?: Nope. Unless it's somehow useful.
Are you a perfectionist?: Yeah I think I am.
Favorite music?: Rock. Collective Soul.

Random Questions.
Hot Cocoa or Coffee?: Cocoa.
Mountain Dew or Sprite?: The Dew.
Coke or Pepsi?: Depends on my mood.
Pepperoni or Sausage?: Maybe pepperoni.
Dogs or Cats?: Dogs would be a good answer for this.
HTML or CSS?: HTML. I should learn some CSS...
Are you rich?: No.
Can you snap three fingers in a row?: Not really. Only two, I guess.
Can you roll your tongue?: Yes.
Do you use bug repellent when you're outdoors?: No.
What kind of allergies do you have?: Uh, the regular kind?
Candle or Lamp?: Candles are fun... lamps are bright... it depends.
Mint or Tic-Tac?: Isn't a Tic-Tac a mint? I choose LifeSavers. Wintergreen.
Beach or Mountains?: Ooh, tough one... I'll say mountains.
Frog or Toads?: Frog.
What's your fave color?: Green.
How much do you weigh?: ~150 pounds
Can you juggle?: Pretty much.
Can you rap?: A little... not really.
How many freckles do you have?: Not a lot. But some.
Can you cross your eyes volentarily?: I don't know.
Do you wear glasses?: No.
Can you pop your shoulders?: No?
Are you 'double-jointed'?: No?
Glass or Ceramic?: Ceramic?
Real grass or artificial?: Real. It grows.
Hot or cold?: Hot.
Do you like puzzles?: Yes.
What sport do you watch the most?: Maybe football. At least right now.
How long have you been working on this quiz?: Too long. Must expedite...
Are you having fun?: Sort of.
What are you listening to right now?: REO - I Don't Want To Lose You, followed by Uninvited Guest - Angel Boy
How many questions do you guess this quiz has?: 75
Do you wrap your presents in bags or boxes?: Love.
What is your Zodiac sign?: Cancerous!
How many languages do you speak?: Two?
What was the first word you ever said?: I don't know. I said "that" a lot.
Are you a neat freak?: Sort of.
Will this quiz ever end?: I hope so. Well... I don't know if an infinite quiz is possible.
How many meals do you eat a day?: Three. Almost always.
How many classes are you taking in school right now?: Eight.
Do you plan on getting a GED or going to college?: College.
Which profession will you seek when you graduate?: Engineering, I think.
Which college are you going to when you graduate from high school?: U of I? Institute of Technology? I really don't know.
Does it even matter?: Well not many offer engineering... specificially aeronautical.
Can you be entertained with paper clips?: Or less.
Do you like guessing games?: Sure. It's always better if I know something about it.
Do you wear a watch?: Yes.
Do you have any tatoos?: No.
Do your parents require that you go to sleep at a certain time?: No.
Do you have a hard time going to sleep on Christmas Eve?: What? Why? It's random times, and not lately...
Do you think orange is cool?: DAPPER ORANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What attracts you the most in the opposite sex?: Personality? Love?
Are you bored?: Never.
What do you do in your spare time?: Read, listen to music, write, correspond... various other activities.
Do you do volunteer work?: Yes.
How many times have you won awards from school?: Um, what counts?
What is something you really want to know?: Um... I don't know. How Do You Love?
Tell me a secret about yourself: Oh, hey, I've got plenty. I shower at 1940 tonight. See ya.
Do you gossip?: No.
Are you glad this quiz is finally over?: Yeah, pretty much.

Oh Shucky Darn

2006-09-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

*Which friend....*
Is the funniest ?	Shane
Is the prettiest ?	Sabrina
Is the most handsom ?	Dylan
Is the loudest ?	Sabrina
Is the craziest ?	Sabrina
Is the most shy ?	Dylan
Is the most loving ?	Kelsey
Is the most understanding ?	Kelsey
Is the most boring ?	Nick.
Is the richest ?	I'll say... Kelsey. Because: pool.
Is the most athletic ?	Shane
Is the most cocky ?	Stuart
Is the biggest sex icon ?	Stuart
Is the most wordly/cultured ?	Jessica
Do you look up to the most ?	Everybody
Do you tell everything to ?	Jessica
Has the best clothes ?	Dylan :)
Has the best house ?	Kelsey

I guess I should start with the SOPAC auditions. Well, Leah was there, which was good. She was nervous at the beginning. But so was I, and also a little excited. There were a lot of guys and a lot of girls, which meant that the guys got to read 2 or three times each but the girls, with only one part for each scene, were not getting very much time to read. So, behind schedule, the reading was stopped and the singing auditions started. I had not signed up. I'm not a good singer. But I decided to go ahead and try it since M said that was fine. So I hung around with Lehmkuhl most of the time, and got to kind of meet some new people. I was next to last. At least I had Meghann and Megan for company until I had to go. My audition was horrible. I was nervous and totally not prepared. So I left and went to bed. Wednesday was blah. I don't really remember this last week. I was lonely and bored a lot and not always but too much afraid. So on Thursday I was expecting the usual. And then, out of nowhere, Jessica showed up with an invitation that was completely unexpected. Her sister had won the poker hand, but the person she invited couldn't go, so Jessica had the next best hand. I'd never been to a concert or the Coliseum before, and so I decided to go. My parents were nice enough to let me go on a Thursday night. So they picked me up and we went to Fiesta Rancher (intentional) for dinner. I learned some things about school that I had not heard (for I hear nothing) and got some business cards. We arrived at the concert partway through the opening act, Hangface. That was pretty good. And then they did a change of set and Pat came on. The music was pretty good. I wouldn't say it's my favorite but the guitar was pretty good. As a concert I really enjoyed it. Part of the binoculars fell off, but I secured as much as possible and waited until the end to get the piece that fell into the row in front of us. That really worried me but it turned out fine. I had a wonderful time and it was great to finally be with Jessica again.
One quote I had to remember. My favorite from that night:

I'm complaining here and you guys won't listen to me.

So then Friday was another day at school. I don't remember anything noteworthy.

Keep it in your pocket, Wagner. This isn't makeup class.

You find the oddest things on the ground coming into classrooms.

Oh shucky darn, there it goes.

Quoting John Paul Jones, there.

Passing out's fun, though.

Now who could be saying that?

I have an orchestra in my brain.

Is that kind of like having a birdhouse in your soul? That seems very much related to the above.

I could have kicked him in half!

Yeah, he's referring to President Madison there.

Is that the one with the eyes?
They all have eyes...

While looking for a president on the wall of presidents, that kind of comment is not going to help.
Jessica called to let me know she wouldn't be at the game, which made me disappointed. I had kind of told myself I would prefer the concert over the football game, I was definitely going to miss her. But whether it was the marching band or something else that was in my mind, I don't know, but through the whole time getting ready I was expecting her to walk by or walk through the door any moment. Colin visited, but Kelsey and Dylan were already over there, and I was about to join them when we were called back to the "semicircle." So when we were marching down to the field for the pregame show, Colin yelled at me, and I smiled, and then someone said something. I thought it was Jessica, but she had said she wouldn't show up. So during the show and sitting on the bleachers I was quite troubled. I really wanted to know if she was there or not. For some reason I could not rest until I knew. So she called, and she was there. It was wonderful to hear that. So I was even more bored with the game than last time. We were losing. Badly. So I was listening to the music and talking on the phone, and Peter, Dylan, kelsey and even Curtiss got to say hi to Jessica. Yeah... and then the show was pretty good. The very end of the second song is a bit weird, but it turned out fine. And then after I got the uniform off, Jessica was right there again, curled up in a blanket. And me in shorts and a t-shirt. So we wandered off to say hi to Colin and Callie. Jessica got a call that got her very sad and angry. She went to leave, and all of this really worried me. Luckily I was able to help her and talk to her and she was feeling much better by the time she left to finish getting ready for moving out on Saturday. Then I went to the sock hop, which brought its own problems. Shane was very frustrated because everyone was just standing around, and Dylan and Kelsey wandered away. So I just kind of stood there some, and towards the end Dylan and Kelsey returned and we danced some, and then I went home. To get up early the next day. I rode to Galesburg with Jessica and her family minus her dad, who evidently had had tire problems on the way to races and then fell while racing and twisted his knee, so he wasn't in any condition to go. We stopped at Cracker Barrel in Morton on the way there. I had biscuits and apple butter, because I wasn't very hungry and it was small and cheap. I also had a biscuit with gravy from Sammi. So we left there and left Meghann's retainer there, too. Dang, that brings memories...
It seemed like the drive went quickly. We got there and got Jessica's necessary stuff, like information and keys. Then we went to her apartment and moved all of her stuff in after meeting Alice. Alice had a really nice laptop (I notice these things). I've never heard of Ayyam-i-Ha before. And Jessica had a really nice place there. So then we went to the bookstore to get some apparel and an Ethernet cable (which did not get gotten) and then Jessica and I left to a welcome ceremony. I got to learn who Knox is named after. And then we all said good bye, and Jessica stayed for the activities she had for the rest of the day and the rest of us went to Wal Mart with the help of the nav system in their van. It was an older Wal Mart with a giant duck out front. So we got some container drawer things, some hangers, a power strip, and then went back and set all of that stuff up for her. Jessica's mom figured out that the monitor wasn't working because the power wasn't plugged into the back. I didn't think of that. And I didn't know that LCD's like that were so heavy. Nothing compared to a CRT, but still heavy for being so slim.
And then we filled out a card for her and left for home. The ride home was longer. And quiet. I was feeling bad, and my chest was really tight. Meghann and Sammi watched a movie (which I forgot because I think I had too much on my mind) and I sort of listened to it. I considered listening to music but I decided to not. Shane called me and invited me to Kelsey's. I got home, thanked them for letting me come, and then ate dinner. I was allowed to go to Kelsey's, so Shane eventually called me and eventually picked me up and we went to Ellsworth. We found Zack's house kind of randomly, and he came out and got in, and we had a conversation about cologne, and we found our way back to Kelsey's house, where we blasted rock on the side of the road before going in. And I played with pool balls some before Kelsey came down and warned us not to harm anything and told us they were starting a fire. So we all stayed down there until Shane decided we'd all go out and run around the fire. So we did that and then I got to try to light the fire. With limited success. Then Colin got some newspaper and with strategic placement that helped to start the fire.
Shane and Dylan were cagefighting, and Zack and I joined in a little bit. Colin and Callie just sat by the fire most of the time, with Colin tending the fire. They eventually went inside. Shane and I were up on the roof of the clubhouse. Dylan was up the clubhouse, turned back by a spider, swinging, hiding in the doghouse, and the usual. So then everyone that wasn't inside went into the pool. I wasn't prepared for that, so I didn't. I ran around the pool. I think Kelsey and Dylan went inside, and I eventually sat at the bottom of the side of the deck and looked at the stars. I was lonely, and the day had been very good considering what I'd been through. I saw a shooting star and some planes, and of course the moon. While I was sitting there, Kelsey and Dylan and everyone else that had been in the pool got out and went to the fire. Which was in plain sight of where I was sitting, but not one of them noticed me. It was funny. They thought I was downstairs. So then they all went in, and I guess they eventually noticed that I wasn't and hadn't been down there like they thought, so Kelsey called me. My grand plan was to sneak downstairs and sing "Wake Me Up When September Ends," so I started to go in. But just as I got on to the deck, Shane was coming out saying he didn't see me. Dang, I ran to the front, and got trapped with the windows. I ran too late and Shane saw me. So I hid in the trees, where I was almost invisible. My plan had been foiled! So I decided to use my phone as a decoy. I left it under the tree, but it came open, making it more of a decoy than I thought. And I ended up trapped too close to it, so it was just a problem. I went back to get it, but it was in Shane's hands. I was about five feet from him, and he didn't notice that I had just run up said hi. He was too busy wondering out lout, where's Matt? So I took off running, and evidently he saw that and took chase. I fled across an open field and eventually gave up for asthma. And then we wandered back with Shane carrying me the last bit. And we all went inside, where I hid. I was lying behind the bar, and I really missed Jessica. I was expecting her to come around the corner or show her head over the bar and ask why I was hiding. But... I knew she wasn't there, I knew she wouldn't do that. So I followed the pizza in and took my spot behind the lamp. Again, I kept expecting Jessica to invite me up to the couch with everyone else, but she wasn't there. I really missed her. And eventually after a few Sealab episodes it was time to leave. So I left my glasses there and we went back to Ellsworth to drop off Zack, and then Shane dropped me off. I went inside and took a shower and went to bed.
I went to church the next morning to more of the same. I wanted to hope she would show up, but I couldn't, because she wouldn't. And I was lonely and scared. Dealing with how much I missed her. The small group was fine. Kevin talked about communication. I really liked his impression of how it is when the boys come home from school.

How was your day?
Fine.
Did you learn anything?
No.
What happened today?
Nothing.

That sounds so familiar...
And he said that the most they get out of them is when the ask about food.

What did you have for lunch?

But it's still always the same thing.

Chicken patty.

He talked about how we have to share in the group, and we have to participate for the discussions to really be meaningful.
I talked to George some and then we went downstairs. The songs were nice, but the guy that talked didn't really appeal to me. I like the other guy better. This guy was too... preachy, I guess. Too far over my head, maybe. His style just didn't appeal to me. I don't think I worshiped enough. This whole weekend I had been feeling very close to God and feeling very good. That was about to take a slow downturn.
I got home, ate lunch, wrote an email, checked the usual, and did some laundry, checked some more of this, and then went to do some more laundry before working on English or reading some magazines. My mom roped me into what turned into a very emotional, 2 or 3 hour talk about college. When we have these discussions, it always turns out badly. I'm already sad from missing Jessica, and I'm usually looking for some time alone to think about things when the force me to sit down with them and have things dragged out of me. I think we got further than before, though, even if it did take the rest of my afternoon. So I did laundry and took a walk (which was also interrupted) to see the sunset. It was beautifully golden-tinged, with pink clouds in other parts of the sky (and blue and purple ones, too). I was just feeling lonely and so unlike I had been feeling before. So I decided to write an email about it and then go outside to see the stars. My dad said my mom wanted me to watch TV, but I didn't want to. I decided not to. She usually wants me to watch Leti or other things, and sometimes I do, but I really didn't feel like wasting an hour of my time when I had other things I'd rather do. So I started to watch the stars come out when my mom said that I was late. For what? What did I do now?
They made me watch "Made" or whatever on MTV and I really didn't care for that. I had better things to do with my 2000-2100 window and it really didn't do anything for me.
So then I got my shower and got to bed, because I cried a lot that day. And I got in bed and cried hard about how lonely I was and how much I miss Jessica and how things were getting to look.
What ultimately led to the darkness there was doubt. Doubting myself, doubting Him. I was doubting the things that I need to trust in and hold on to the most. And that only led to darkness...
I'm holding on too hard. God is helping me to figure out how to let go... and I see now why. On Saturday night, part of what He was showing me was how to just let go. It's hard and it's not comfortable and it's scary, but it's necessary. So I think that's what I need to do. Hold on loosely, but don't let go. Because I'm clinging too tightly, and I'm going to lose control.
So today I did my English homework and read three magazines and did some laundry while listening to music. And now it's time to help with dinner. It's been a long day, and I really just want to go to school tomorrow. It's hard to think it's Monday already. Only a four day week...
So things have been hard all over again, but I think they'll be getting better. I'll find out what I face this week... because that changes everything.
I looked at colleges today, too. Just kind of seeing where I could study engineering.

I've got a long way to run...

Holy Turkey

2006-08-28T18:57:00.000-05:00

Well Dylan and I ended up finishing the project in three and a half hours. I like how you can go into something having no idea how it's going to turn out or what it will become, and ending up with something really cool. The project ended up very nice. I've never printed from Ubuntu before, and it was so easy to set it up and print. If only the ink hadn't run out... I had to go over our names (in Greek, by the way) with a fine Sharpie.
So then I went in early to bring that project, and listened to music and read.

This turkey's, like, holy...
Holy turkey?
...I don't know what the hell is wrong with it.

Don't ask. I don't know what goes on in that kitchen. I'm not sure I want to.
The morning was fine. Kelsey was sick, which wasn't good. And Colton made a comment and worried me with my homework, but that wasn't bad. So eventually we went to band, which was fine. Then to English, where I realized I had left my folder under the table in the commons. I told Nel that... he wasn't too sympathetic. We talked about McCarthyism, and that was it. Spanish was fine. Pollo Pantalones is quite the character in that class.
Art was scary. We were basically set loose to draw our hands. And... that's not really an easy thing to start on. Yeah. This is your second week in art. Draw your hand. Great. But I got over all of the fear and just drew something, which is pretty much the way to go. It turned out pretty good. I also got criticized for not having art in my sketchbook. Well... it's new. For art class. And I really don't draw much. I'm more the photographer that writes some stuff and does the occasional Gimp creation. I'll post some drawings I do in art and some stuff I did a long time ago, but I really don't draw much.
Anyway, math was fine. I'm thinking my calculator is too advanced and I'll need to get another one that's more simple for school. But I like the one I have...
Lunch was okay. The tacos are always good. No turkey. Shane offered to play basketball. Ryan and Big-B weren't there, I guess, and I had nothing else to do. So I went and we started to play with a flat women's ball, but gave up on that. We used that ball to get a better one down from where it was stuck on a raised hoop, and that took ten minutes. So then Shane and I started playing, then we played a couple sophomores, and then another sophomore, with another junior joining our team. We did okay. I was trying to take it easy, but I still ended up drenched in sweat in history class, where we talked about the Revolutionary War. Kind of interesting.
Then was physics. We got to go outside and measure some more stuff. The laser distance finder kind of burned my eye, and it didn't really work well today. Neither did the distance wheel thing. The tape measure and the meter stick were the best things to use. Figures...
So then was study hall.

Pineapple.
Okay.
Like this.
Thank you.

I get to help some people with Spanish, do my math, and write stuff while listening to music.
Shane wasn't able to take me home, so I rode the bus. That genius kid has all kinds of good stuff. This is how he said hello today:

If you tell the truth, be sure to have a foot in the stirrup.

Not exactly encouraging, but that's interesting. I think he's in sixth grade. He had a high school level definition of subduction last year, too.
So I got home and got some water for my headache, and did some Spanish, and looked at the history notes (didn't really study), and just sat there and thought. It started looking like rain, so I headed to the front door. I took off about nine little cuccoons off of the bushes out front. The little caterpillars leave those and then they eat the needles off of the pine bushes. They really attacked one year, and since then we've tried to get them off. So it started raining really hard, and I went inside.
I'm mostly bored. Nothing to do. Today was pretty good, though. I guess we'll see how the rest of this week goes.

Wound Around

2006-08-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

The rest of the week wasn't much more.
I'm slowly getting the hang of things. The initial shock and return to the shell is gradually wearing off. I'm less afraid, more open, more free.
Band is fine. I guess it'll be okay... we're getting better with the drill and figuring stuff out finally.
English is fine. We've got Nelson's dubious teaching and difficult quizzes, but I think it'll work out alright. Spanish is fun. I actually participated on Thursday (gasp), which was evidently a good thing for Sra. And on Friday we watched Destinos. Yeah... I think it's kind of lame compared to La Fea. Art is fine, too. I think I'll have to learn how to manage my time better and not take so long on things. It's nice having Kelsey in there, too. Math is fine. We've got a project to work on for that class. I like Ms. D's relaxed teaching style. And it's mostly review for now, so that helps. Lunch is fine. I really don't know what I'm going to do. It's not looking good, and... yeah. I guess something will come along. I hope.
History is still a great class. The teacher really makes it an interesting lesson, and presents the material very well. My notes have spilled onto the back of the first page already. And the quizzes are going great except for mistaking March for May one time.
Physics is a fun class. Alyssa and Sabrina are nice, Willy is entertaining, and we just have a good time. There was a laser distance finder that she was showing us, and it was really messed up.

I don't understand; it worked perfectly at the seminar.

That's a classic. She pointed it at the wall and got 23 feet. Then she pointed it at Hassletake, who was halfway to the wall, and got 26 feet. Everything it measured didn't make sense. There was a light meter (!) that jumped around a lot. A temperature meter that was temperamental (it would fluctuate a lot, like sit there going down, and then back up or something), and that's all we got to.
Study hall is great. It's a lot more entertaining on Monday and Friday when we have the people there from the Heartland class. I'm glad I'm not in PE.
So the early morning practices are fine. Not excruciatingly hot (or cold yet), and we get stuff worked out, which is good.
The football game on Friday was nice. I finally got to see Jessica again. The marching wasn't great, but we got through it pretty well. It's been worse. I didn't yell Leroy after the school song... maybe next time. I stuck my clarinet in the ground and listened to music while we were just waiting.
So, like everything, that was over before I knew it, and Saturday was... bad. I wasted my time all day. I did nothing of value or substance. I was hoping for a call I never got, Light I never saw... I installed a bunch of new games, played bomberclone way too much, and... just totally wasted my time. I was lost, confused, sad, scared, worried, dark, hopeless... it wasn't good. Today was better, though. Jessica came to church, and it's always good to see her. We got her feeling better, too. Sabrina is a great singer and guitar player, and the songs were good. In the small group, I think Kat did a great job. We just talked and interacted a lot more than we do when Kevin is there. But I enjoy both environments. I enjoyed the talk by Shawn, as I always like to hear what other people have to say.
This afternoon I have to go wash helicopters and maybe airplanes and then work on that math project. Busy day.
I can't help it; it's just too good...

Passing out papers is going to take 35 days... that's ridiculous; 35 days...

A perfect 10 out of 36. Super.

Will you take the stuff and put it on my desk, please? I need to go attack some people.

Is This It?

2006-08-22T16:33:00.000-05:00

Well... yeah. I hope not.
I had a dentist appointment at 1700 yesterday, which took an hour, and then I had to eat dinner. So I didn't do much all evening until 2030, when I was told there was a movie night. I probably would have had to be home early anyway, and it was too late. My parents didn't want to stay up. Not on a school night that I had to be up early after. I really feel bad about missing that...
The night wasn't good but it wasn't too bad. I cried only a little.
The night before last I had the weirdest dream. Jessica called and said that she could come over, and then called later to say she was stuck. Because apparently it had suddenly become winter and snowy outside. So I left (I was working on something at home), and got in her car (which was right in front of my house), and drove to Ross' house in Charterwood. Because I hadn't asked my parents if I could leave or whatever, so I had to let Jessica drive her car and I had to get back home. For some reason, the snow was all slushy and almost gone in that area. Well, my mom and sister showed up and I don't know why, but as they left they sent me a text message that I guess was also sent to my dad saying I lied and lied about "the node we were working on." I did not lie about the node! That made me angry, so I lost it. I just said "F---" and threw the phone, breaking it. I attempted to put the display back on the phone, and went to look for duct tape to fix it (because I was suddenly in my room), and that's it.
So tonight I dreamed that... I guess I was riding with Jessica around some city. Well... there was a big van I guess (I think that was in the dream... maybe that was reality... I don't know the difference...), and she didn't like big vans. Oh, yeah, I remember. We got to drive a beer van. Refrigerated, but more air conditioned. I really don't remember what was going on. I just remember we came out of some place and her car was gone, and so I started looking for her car, and that's about all I remember.
Today was... blah. Meh. Early band practice, where silence prevailed. Then English, which is just boring. The Nel doesn't seem to understand the stories... I don't believe that it was dead bodies that washed up (humans aren't "creatures of the sea"), and months did not pass. This could prove to be a problem...
Spanish was... normal. I'm not writing very well, and and the video on Spain was a bit boring. The cricket was mildly annoying. Art was interesting... Kelsey was there, and maybe just her presence is comforting some. I got to do some serious shading with a mechanical pencil. And then was math, which was a short and easy lesson and assignment. Lunch was... fine. Colin came again, for the last time before he leaves tomorrow. Silence once more. I'm just used to silence. And Adam's return doesn't help things. And there isn't really any escape...
History was good. I would have to say that's my favorite class, because everything else is grey and boring. I keep taking half as many notes as the day before... I haven't filled a full front page yet. The tests are pretty easy, but I kind of over-study, if that's possible.
Physics was using IE, which officially sucks. The graphics are so much better here, and the Fox doesn't want to save the Wikipedia pages before it finally opens them. IE is just... bad. But I officially don't care, because I'm convinced that Windows is the right OS for this "school." It goes along with everything else.
Then I had study hall, which was conveniently in an odd room. I had nothing to do... I wrote some stuff, listened to music... and that's it.
Boring day. I hope something happens this evening to end the boredom... but I expect it won't.

Who wants to be the freshman class Willey?

Head On

2006-08-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

Today was the second full day of school... and was interesting. I barely made the bus. I got to school and... made a lap, turned in my waiver to the office, and went to B's room. I stayed there until the bell rang and people started coming in. I was avoiding Colton, because I did not need even the possibility of his idiocy. I don't know what would have been more painful... going and being hurt by him or hiding. So I was feeling very alone and I went to band. Feeling alone like that was a very bad start. I didn't even have the strength to say hi to Kelsey. And after some marching, the feeling erupted into anger. I don't like anger. Anger is bad. Most of all, I know if I feel it, it will spread. I will spread what I feel. And I don't want to spread anger. So... slowly, I got that out. My day was okay from then on. At least I can laugh in English a little and in Spanish a lot, and that helped my attitude. I went to art and talked to the substitute a little bit (reminds me... I must finish that homework), was surrounded by a lot of slackers, and then went to math. Pretty easy. Then lunch, which was fine. I had some Twizzler milk, thanks to Dylan. And then off to US History for the presentation, another quarter page of notes, then to physics, to be quiet (hence shadowed and afraid), and then strength, to walk in the sun and get hot so I could get on a hot bus and ride home. But the little kids are nice and it really makes it better than riding alone.
I don't see much difference between what is dark and what isn't. From when I'm dark, I'm no less alone, I'm no less under attack. It's just how I feel. I guess what they say is true... you're as happy as you make up your mind to be.
So I dealt with anger... and I hope I've got that out of the way. I wonder what's next...

Time on my hands could be time spent with you... and I guess that's why they call it blues.

Tender Light

2006-08-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

So school has started finally/already and things are changing, as they always do.
We had our first half day on Thursday, and got an idea of where and what our classes would be. After that, I went to lunch with Jessica. I really wanted to spend more time with her, because it's been a long time since I've really had some time with her, but she had to be back home to give some rides.
I spent the afternoon outside. I listened to music, read, walked, did homework (math, yes, from our half day), and just "enjoyed" being outside.
But for some reason or another, things were not well. Going back to school had been a shock. I was afraid. Scared of everyone once again. I was a little bit more calm and a little bit less scared, but I really was afraid. And I had gotten to see Jessica, but I had wanted to have more time with her, and it always hurts when we part. I cried more than once. I was searching for something, anything to comfort me. I felt so alone, so lonely. The future looked so bleak, so hopeless. My family was worried about me, but I really just needed some time alone to sort it all out. I took some pictures and some walks, and wrote some stuff.
Well once I had gotten over that some, I just wanted to go to bed, especially since I had to be up early to get a parking spot the next day. But my parents had a one hour and twenty minute talk with me about college and scholarships and talking to people. I didn't quite cry, and they didn't really hit the sores spots, but I was tired.
The next morning I got up, got into school, grabbed parking spot 103, and hung around for almost an hour until our first full day started.
Band was as usual. Just missing some people. A little rain, but brief and pretty light.
English was like last year. Twenty six, a full room, and some of the same people from last year. More notes, which is fine, because I seem to write about 100 times faster than the rest of my classmates.
Then Spanish, which is similar to last year, but with only like 11 people. Dustin makes up for that by talking constantly.
Art has a bunch of weird freshmen that I don't recognize, and Dylan's brother, and it will be an interesting class.
Math has only eight people, and with the rest of the math wing at lunch, it's very quiet back there. The senior bell lets out two from our class.

Freshmen are to be seen and not heard.

Then was lunch, with a bunch of s'mores. Again, missing a lot of people. I don't know what I'm going to do this year... I guess I have a few options. Not comfortable ones, but that's good sometimes.
After that was US History. Her teaching reminds me of someone... maybe M.C.'s teaching, but I just don't know. I took up half of a page of paper during the first day. Front row seats indeed.
Then was physics. I am the only junior in that class, but Sabrina and Alyssa are nice. Unfortunately, Willy and Hasseltake are in there. Well... I guess it's good entertainment.
After physics is strength. Because there is "freshmen wellness" instead of PE. Great. I'm opting out so I can listen to my music and have a study hall for nine weeks. But at least I have some friends in that class, unlike last year.
The Canadian rides our bus now. We get to go up into Lakeview and then turn around on our way to our subdivision.
Dylan said last year that his junior year would be the worst year of his life. The seniors would be gone, his brother would be in the building, and things would just suck for him. Now how did that turn out?
I thought last year that it wouldn't matter. It would be another year alone, just another year of high school. And how did that turn out?
Things are just never as you expect.
So then we got to go back in for viking night (go panthers!), and Jessica totally surprised me by showing up. It's always the obvious things I miss. It was good to see her, but otherwise a total waste of time. Is there a "viking night" for the second semester sports? I mean, basketball, track, and, of course, scholastic bowl. I don't know when baseball gets into it... and I apologize if I forgot anything.
On Saturday I went into town with my mom and sister to get some shorts for PE (my old ones were from seventh grade and getting a bit small, and since I have more than nine weeks of PE this year I might want some nice ones, and this year they don't have to be official TV shorts), get some groceries, and for my sister to look at jeans and t-shirts. I got to hang out at Borders while my sister was at Gordmans for the clothes, and checked out the Linux selection. It's back in the corner of the store, which is kind of demeaning, but fine. Then I went home, ate lunch, and went into town with Jessica. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up some things for her, and I got some detergent as requested by my family.
For some reason, I'm bogged down by darkness right after I see Jessica again. But it's getting better, as is pretty much everything. I hope.
And there's always a featured darkness during our times together. And usually a featured Light. Which is amazing every time.
We stopped at Borders to get Jessica some books for one of her classes, and found all but the unpublished one.
We went to eat at BW3, if you can call it that, and won our two full games of trivia. We had a great time, which was good after the harder darkness before.
We went to see Talladega Nights, which was good. I've never sat in the front row before. The humor really leans toward more adult, but for the most part it's great. I came up with a very good Windows bash. And I'm learning to just appreciate so deeply the good things, the happy things, the wonderful things.
At church I was feeling good. Confident and not afraid. True, not lying to myself. And Jessica is usually even more happy than that. She usually gets so happy and bright at church, but today she worried me. Fortunately, I've realized that it's not my fault and I'm not being pushed away, and the best thing I can do is stay. So we had lunch today, and it turned out very nicely. And I'm still feeling Light, confident, happy, true. It's great. I just hope that everyone else is doing okay, and I wonder what's going to come along next. Because it's right when you've gotten to feeling good about yourself, feeling like you can do this, feeling confident, that something comes along to completely change that.

Darkness Bites

2006-08-14T15:24:00.001-05:00

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had. -- Linus

Yep. Respek the Tux.
And a quote from that talk that hurt me earlier.

Let me put a dollar figure on this; we have spent a lot of money...

Movie night was very interesting. Nobody was able to host until Shane finally was cleared. So at the last minute everything came together and only Kevin couldn't make it.
I got some great practice on Guitar Hero... and then ate some watermelon.
Eventually Colin showed up. Then a little later Kelsey and Dylan showed up. Jessica was having chores to do and had to get gas, so she didn't arive for another hour.
Meanwhile, people took turns playing guitar. While I wasn't playing, I was getting kind of anxious for Jessica to get there, so instead of hurting myself or shouting or breaking things, I went crazy dancing. Eventually Jessica came, and entered the guitar queue. Suddenly this looks crazy... and it always tends to do this. Eventually, the darkness clears from my mind, and I only see what I should have done, and would have done if darkness hadn't clouded my mind.
Instead of just being glad that I was there and Jessica was there and everyone was there, I was frustrated again. So I went crazy... I only hit my head once, because I didn't realize that wooden part of the ceiling is really hard.
Yeah... I was pretty much out of it. I was summoned to the guitar a few times, but I always went back behind the couch. I just didn't see any room for me on the couch. I did get some poetry to read, and some things to think about. Eventually I got tired and gave up fighting the darkness.
I pretty much wasted the whole thing. Playing guitar was fun, and Sealab was good, but other than that it was wasted on me. I went looking for a root beer once... and found nothing... and that's about it.
So today nothing happened, really. I went for a walk, and I realized some things. There were moths, butterflies, birds... all kinds of life. It was beautiful.
There was a jawbone of some animal on the path... and a buzzard on the dam.
I kind of realized something. Darkness is like a snake. If you go into the wild, you'll run into snakes. That's where they live. Likewise, if you go into the world, you'll run into darkness. That's where it lives. Snakes won't bother you, though. They'll keep their distance. But if you got too curious, too close, they will bite you. And it will hurt. But they are just as afraid of you as you are of them. Sure, the darkness can bite, but it's afraid of the Light.
That's kind of an incomplete analogy, and I don't really like it, but it's okay.
School's about to start. I like school. Even now that it's lost some of the things I enjoyed about it, it will still be school. It won't be the same, but I don't think it will be ruined. It keeps me occupied. It keeps me entertained. It keeps me busy, learning and growing. And I need that, and I will need it more and more as the days go by.
But I'm still a bit apprehensive. There are kids that I don't want to go back to, kids I don't want to see again. Things I don't want to have to face again. But I must. I know that just as it will be enjoyable, it will be terrible. It will get terrible. I just hope that I'm stronger than last year, further than last year, better than last year.

Nautical Miles

2006-08-12T16:16:00.000-05:00

We bought a book today. We bought it at Kinko's. They have quite a selection of stuff there.
Anyway, the book is How to Win Friends & Influence People. My mom said it changed her mom's life, and she wants me to read it. I've got a lot of books to read now. I guess that's a good thing.
So we got home with it, and my mom gave it to me. It looked a little old (we just bought it today), so I looked at the inside.
Original copyright 1936? I had no idea this book was that old. Of course, the book isn't that old. It was printed in September of 1982. What? This book is "off the shelf" and it's already 24 years old? I have never seen that before.
That was Thursday. Friday I went boating with Kevin, Dylan, Zak, and Jessica's family. It was actually probably a perfect day for boating. The sky was overcast, so there wasn't really much sun to worry about besides a few short glimpses now and then. It was fairly warm, and the water was great (temperature wise... it didn't do so much for my stomach though).
Anyway, I got to the park at 0930 as requested to find Dylan there. As my mom left, Jessica's mom pulled in and said the rest of them were slow and were just leaving home then. So we sat and talked. Zak arrived, and then Kevin walked over, and went back to get some different gear for the day, and came back. Then, when the pickup with boat arrived, we all got in the van and left. Jessica came to the van, too.
The ride there was... fine. Some nice scenery I guess, and Benchwarmers was good. Jessica read her book the whole time, but the movie kept me distracted.
We got to the lake and got the boat loaded up. I had never been in a boat that small before, so I was really just clueless for the most part. I've been in smaller water taxis before, but nothing really that small.
First we took a fast cruise around part of the lake, hitting some wake and doing turns. I don't know what it was, but I just felt bad. Dylan had done this before, Jessica was "in her element," and I just felt like it was all lost on me. I hate it when that happens... it ruins all of the fun times.
Sammi went skiing first. I just watched what she was doing.
Her dad went skiing on his single ski a little bit, and then I was finally convinced to give it a try. I really had no clue what was going on, so I just jumped in. It took me a while to figure out how to get the skis on right so they weren't too loose, and it really took a bit of experience to figure out how to stabilize myself with skis on. I went a few times, crashing and correcting each time. By the last time I was up but just not stable. A few times I leaned too far back and fell and let go, and a few times I fell forward. The problem was mostly trying to keep either from happening.
Zak wasn't happy because he said I made it look easy and he would be horrible. Well, I got on the boat and sat down in a towel. I think I swallowed some water, and I wasn't feeling very good. I got really close to throwing up, but I just thought that He could heal me with one touch, and as soon as I thought of that I started to recover. Of course, I was still a little dizzy but I was okay except for that. I got to see Zak go, and then Jessica, and finally Kevin. Dylan didn't want to go.
After watching them have their turns and calming down a little bit, I was feeling better. Jessica's dad took us over to a different part of the lake for lunch, which was gondolas and chips and drinks. I didn't have any chips because I wasn't that hungry. Everyone but the parents and Jessica and I jumped in for a swim before we left again.
After that her dad inflated the raft, and Meghann and Kevin got in. It was nice just to sit with Jessica and watch them on the raft. Then I think just Kevin got to have a go at it. The boat had been having heat problems, and so Zak and I got to go on the raft, and then they brought it in.
We went around the lake a little bit more and then took the boat back in. It took a while to find all of the shoes, hats, wallets, socks, cell phones, etc. that had been in the boat, but we finally found it all. We deflated the raft, put it back in the boat, put everything in the van, and left.
Yeah, the day should have been almost over, but it was not really reaching an end yet.
As we were turning out of the park area, I was trying to control the DVD with the remote. When we watched it at first, we just watched all of the previews and then I pointed the remote at the temperature display where the screen was (the only place that made sense) and it played fine. But I was trying to get to the main menu or forward/skip through the previews, and it wasn't doing anything. Jessica's mom tried to show me where to point it, but it was the wrong moment. To avoid hitting a pole and missing our turn, she swerved and clipped a mailbox and hit a pothole off the side of the road. The pothole blew the tire, so we had to stop and replace it with the spare. Evidently this happened last time with a trailer tire, so they were prepared with an air pump. But the spare would not come out of the back of the van.
So while the parents were making calls and trying to get the tire out, Shane called and talked to people about his dog having a knife in it's mouth and other things. Jessica had been feeling a bit bad about being in the way and stuff, so I finally got her (with some help from Meghann) to take my seat. That got her comfortable and with everyone and me with her. So we talked to Shane and to each other and had some fun with colliding conversations. Finally, the tire came out, and we all got out of the van so that Jessica's dad could jack up the vehicle. I just wandered some. Jessica was on the phone with Shane, so I was just kind of on my own. I ran up a tree a couple times, threw some sticks, checked out a beetle and a cool insect, hid behind the bushes until Dylan told Jessica where I was, considered playing "concentration," laid on the ground and looked up at the tree branches and sky, and finally got back in the van. The other people very generously switched seats so that I could sit next to Jessica. Thank you for that. We then made our way to a bank parking lot and walked to Old Country Buffet. I kind of wandered in and got some food, and sat with Jessica. I had potatoes and gravy, green beans, mushrooms, fish, shrimp, what I guess was popcorn chicken, and a roll. Plenty for me (the roll was that cheese kind, and was my dessert), along with a Cherry Coke.
Jessica wasn't feeling very good. She said she had been feeling bad on Thursday and earlier, and it was back. I kind of talked to Zak, Meghann, Kugo, and Sammi, and also tried to help Jessica. Eventually she went to the bathroom, and then we all left. I took her purse (which had been entrusted to me) and modelled it some (which Kevin really got a kick out of), but I realize I would have rather stayed inside and waited for her. I feel bad about just leaving her along with everyone else.
Then we left for home. They had radios for communicating between the two vehicles, and they really used them on the way back. I didn't really like some of the lingo they were using, and I really didn't know what to say when I was given the chance to talk, so I just sat there. The same movie was on again, so I just kind of sat and thought and looked out the window a lot while Jessica talked on the radio. I just didn't feel like I had a place in the radio deal.
A lifejacket flew out of the boat, so we stopped, and after no one really moved I got out and picked it up.
We ended up stopping at the park to let everyone off except me so they could go home (in their vehicles if they were there) and then went on to Jessica's house. Zak didn't really know if he could come, and he didn't. Dylan went home and his parents didn't let him go. So it was just Kevin picking up Shane and coming there. We carried all of the stuff into the house, they tidied up some, and we sat down and watched What Not To Wear. Yeah... like it matters at all if it's "in style." I like sitting there and looking at the "professionals" and laughing to myself at how silly they look themselves, and then just kind of wondering what makes the money worth spending on something that isn't really worth much.
Anyway, Kevin and Shane finally showed up. This part of the day went well, because I was not eager to give in to any darkness, and nothing was really bad or wrong. I got to sit with Jessica, and it was great. Meghann eventually got fed up with Sealab and wandered off and around the house. It was funny to watch Sammi's face while she was watching Sealab. Then ATHF was put in, and finally Dane Cook. I had already listened to those acts... it's funny if you want it to be. Jessica didn't really find humor in it, though. And she just seemed a little down. Meghann and Sammi kept asking her if she was okay, as did I, but she just said she was fine. Everyone decided to got for a walk, but Jessica said they weren't supposed to be out late, and the only people out late were up to no good. So I trusted her and stayed there with her while they went for a walk.
They eventually came back, and we watched some more Sealab (I guess, because I didn't see much of it) before I had to leave. Leaving right there had something wrong with it, and from then on things were not good. On the ride home I was just tired (good thing I decided not to drive), and signs of what was to come were showing.
I got in bed, but I couldn't sleep. It was just one of those nights. And the worst one yet. Normally I just feel sad and lonely, and that's bad enough. But I was so tired and affected by the day that it just made it much worse.
So then I got up, ate breakfast, and got a long talk about how some people could be considered criminals. That was most of it. Also, I wasn't being considerate about curfew. So I guess we finally established my curfew, even when not driving. My parents said one thing that really hurt, though. I don't really want to get into it... but just mentioning something that makes me sad is one thing. The thought makes me sad. Assuming I don't know about it or can't understand it just hurt so much more... especially considering how well I slept.
Now there are some ssh issues I need to sort out sometime, and the lawn needs mowed, and I have some emails to write.

934-TX

2006-08-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

I got on dA today and... whoa.
I like the new theme. Well, it's not bad. All in all, I like it. The rounded corners are nice. But there are a few things that really bother me. I like change, but there are some things that you just should not change. And then some things that should have been changed that are still broken in my opinion.
I'm not sure I like the "Author's Comments" and such underneath the piece. I think it belongs at the top, whether it makes it easier to get to the piece or not.
I'm not sure I like the yellow highlight for the login button. And the peace sign is interesting.
I do like the fact that it changes to "Remove Favourite" if you have already added it. Now, if they can only do that for "Watch this deviant."
I'm not sure if the bluish tint goes with the dark grey.
It would be nice if it broke "Messages" down into miscellaneous, comments, journals, etc. again.
If you're going to update the look and feel, please do it. Don't leave the "Messages" page the same.
Do I see a monospace font in the comment box? That better not be just for Linux.
And a mood for each comment? How about only if I want to?
If you read a journal, and especially if you comment on it, it should remove itself from the list (like the comments do). That still doesn't happen.
When you reply to a comment, there's a cute little button. But when you post your reply, there's a link (not a button) on your reply.
When you reply to a comment on a user page, it should nest itself above. Isn't that how it's always worked? But now they nest below. That doesn't seem right. And they nest themselves off of the page. Great.
Only two Favourites on the user pages? I guess that's okay. It's good to actually see two, but I miss the rest you used to see.
I guess I'm just in a mood to point out bugs.
Seth said something really good on his blog. There isn't really a role model for being good... the good things look different than each other and the rest. But there are definitely plenty of role models for being average or worse. So if you make something, and it ends up just looking like everything else, you should start over. You can see his post here.
Ah, movie night. I got there and Shane's dad was out on the mower... that is a ghetto mower... and I really don't know what he wanted to accomplish. Mowing somehow?
Anyway, I went up to the door and rung the doorbell. Nothing. So I just held it down until Shane finally came out. We went downstairs, and I got a chance to try the guitar things. It was fun, but I only got to try it once. Jessica, then Kevin, then Colin showed up. Jessica and Colin had a go at the guitars, then Kevin and Dylan, then Shane and Dylan. Finally, we watched Sealab.
Kelsey called, and everyone wanted to know who it was. Yeah, guys, my second girlfriend, who is also Dylan's girlfriend... right...
Colin took the phone (I think to find out who it was), and ended up going outside and talking to her for an hour and a half or so.
Shane was kind of sleeping, so Keving threw his wallet at him. Shane woke up, and was just kind of calm. Then he suddenly blew up and started on me before Jessica assured him it was Kevin, and then Shane tried to throw... I don't know, but it hit Kevin (well I think it did), and Jessica, and me. All of us. So then Shane went and jumped on Kevin.

Get your feet off of my couch.
Welcome to my house.

The new Sealabs were great...

Ring of steel at six-o'clock!

Yeah, let's throw the bullets in the fire.

Cincinnati hotplate.

That was such a random line...
I really liked zooming in on the scenes... that was hilarious.

When you can't cry... cut yourself.

For me it's more, "When you can't cry anymore, go to sleep."
Then we watched the Brak show.

That night, the following sounds were heard.
[crash, bang, power tools...]

That was great...

Gee, this is sure a nice tank. Where'd you get it?
I told you, it was free.

How do you know he's bad?
How do you know I care?

So Kevin left... something about an agreement with his grandma... and then the rest of us left at 2240 or so. The funny thing was that Dylan was already gone by the time Jessica, Shane, and I got out to the road.
For some reason, that night (not the movie night... after I got home) was another one of those nights. I couldn't sleep, and all I could do was sit there awake and cry. Eventually all of the pain tired me out, and I got to sleep. Well, I entered a state in which I couldn't remember if I had gotten to sleep or if I had just imagined getting to sleep or if I had only dreamed of going to sleep... yeah...
And then I dreamed that Nazi's were there, and they got Dylan and Kelsey and me, so I had to go to the bathroom and wait for them to come apprehend me.

What do you want?
To live...
Then go downstairs and into the closest bathroom. Put your hands on the wall and the door.

Yeah... that was just a bad dream. Now... yeah... I really don't know. I hardly felt like eating breakfast. And now... I just feel... sad...

Da-Man

2006-08-05T12:01:00.000-05:00

Well the end to this week was, of course, full of unexpected twists.
Wednesday night was scary. I don't know what it was, but there was intense fear. Like something was about to happen. Something completely unreal, and in a bad way. I was scared... scared for the people I Love. I prayed through the whole thing. It just wouldn't go away... I was just so scared. I was too scared to even close my eyes. I don't know what caused this fear... I don't know why I was so apprehensive. Nothing came up that would have told me why... it was just intense fear. Extremely intense. But eventually all of the fearing tired me out, and I fell asleep.
Thursday was our full day of camp. Jessica had mentioned numerous times that she would visit, and I expected her all day... and she never came. But somehow that wouldn't kill my hope... because I knew it would be okay. I knew I would see her. Basically, I knew Six Flags would be the next day. I would really like to be able to handle not seeing her when I expect without something else to switch to. I'd like to be able to handle a single opportunity to see her slowly dying... because right now that absolutely kills me.
It was a very long and tiring day (I think the above issue did drain me some), but it wasn't horrible. I thought I would be the only one to bring a book and music, but Nick did the same. Except he had a huge hardback and I had a little paperback. It was nice to just relax and listen to music before having to go back out. Nick, Dylan, and I were the only guys that were in the multipurpose room (there were probably 20 or more girls) the whole time. Peter, THat, Carmack, and some other guys visited, but none of them stayed.
Then it was back outside. As was to be expected, the 1445 time was totally blown by people showing up at 1500 anyway. Well, I got there at like 1443 and I was the first one there. I helped a bit to get the plastic off of the tower, and cut my pinky on a screw. Usually when you just cut yourself a little, you can't really tell where the cut is, because the blood takes a while to start flowing. But this cut was bleeding right after I hit the screw.
We ended up playing and marching the first song and only marching the second. We did pretty well. No major problems in front of me, at least. Leah and Marci got a little freaked out because we wouldn't have the bald spots and weird grass arrangements to use as guides, but we did fine.
After putting my instrument into my case, I went back down to the field. I found Jessica, and my parents had invited her over. That was totally unexpected... and it was great. I had some time to talk to her (finally). I was worried that we wouldn't just get to talk to each other, but we did have a little time for that.
Then it was to bed for the early Six Flags departure.
I got to sit next to Peter, which worked out great. I listened to music the whole way. I had really been facing darkness, but I found hope. Of course I was worried... because I had been putting so much hope into being with Jessica there, and I was worried that for some reason it would be compromised. But I moved past that doubt, and the three hour bus ride gave me some time to relax, process the darkness, and get rid of it. The road into the park had a very interesting speed limit. Exactly 14.9 miles per hour. Now who came up with that, and why?
We had to wait for a tour guide, but eventually marched through the park. The hills were the worst part, though I only really remember one. And I was sweating a lot while we stood and played. At least Jessica was there, and that's always a comforting thing. She even marched with us towards the beginning.
We got back, got some water, Marcotte gave us his speech about getting back to the bus and stuff, the clarinets were the last ones to get tickets (or next to last, maybe), and Jessica and I went into the park. There was just one problem; she would be leaving around 1500. And I didn't expect her to be coming back. That meant that 8 hours had turned to 3, which I figured in my head was only 37.5 % of the time I had expected. It was like the darkness telling me, "I told you so." And then the worst part was the darkness attacking. I've had the problem before... I'm too dark about the departure to enjoy my time with her. And then she leaves and it gets even worse. I knew that couldn't be allowed to happen. I prayed, I focused on it. Why was I so sad? I needed to just enjoy our time together. What made me so angry? I just needed to trust that it would all be okay.
We rode the carousel, our only ride of the day, and we ended up going for lunch. Jessica and I had a very interesting conversation about spending time. I told her I felt like I was wasting my time sometimes... like I wasn't really worth my presence to her. She said standing in line to get food for herself was time not well spent, it being spent on herself. I guess the solution was apparent; I would stand in line while she would get a seat. That meant my presence had a purpose (to get her lunch) and her time was not spent on herself. Interesting how that worked out... and it worked. All of the darkness I had been facing disappeared.
I was behind a group of 3 guys and 3 girls. I just enjoyed observing their interactions. They were pouring icewater down each others' backs. Great. But one thing really caught my attention. One guy gave a girl a ring of ice. And evidently he equated it to their love.

What, that it evaporates?

He tried to defend his statement...

It's going from solid to gas to liquid... it's always changing... in a good way.

Yeah, he couldn't save it. And then I think it was a different one that had a shirt on with channel 13. And the way that they pronounced FUNtier fries... yeah, I went ahead and used their pronunciation.
Then we ate. And it was so good to have the darkness gone. And to just be with Jessica, and talk to her. We left there and went to the Rodeo Drive store (we went to like three stores... and I only know the name of one because Peter mentioned its significance) and looked around. Then we moved to the Flags store, and then we went to the front store. We spent a lot of time in that store during our visit... a ride would have been nice, but I really didn't want to go stand in line for a long time, and Jessica didn't, either. She liked the air conditioning and her feet hurt, so we stayed in the store. I realized when my parents mentioned it that we could have gone to some shows and had comfortable seats in cool air, but I'm too much of an idiot to realize that.
We looked at the stand with names on it. There were a few very ironic "coincidences," since they were all totally mixed up.
The Jesus place on the top had only one tag on it, which said David. Fits nicely.
My place on the top also had only one tag on it, which said Jessica. Wow.
The Jesus place on the bottom had four tags. The least ironic was Kelsey. We love you, Kelsey. Then there was Mark. Another disciple. The last two were hilarious. Da-Man? That would be Jesus. And to top it all off, #1 Son. Yep, that one is spot on. So much irony...
We found Kat, and then Dylan and Kelsey, and Nick and Peter. This was around 1500, and Jessica had the choice of going to the hotel or staying. She really didn't want to leave me there, but she wanted to sit down and relax and eat in the air conditioning. With my reassurance that it was okay, she left for the hotel, and I stayed with the group. She was coming back, after she ate there, which was what really comforted me. We looked around the store some, and Peter eventually took off. The rest of us ended up sitting in the store for about an hour and talking. There were a couple of black kids there, and as they got up, Dylan and Kelsey really got a kick out of what one of them said.

Oh, my schnizzle!

Kat called Virginia... who is in year-round schooling in Florida. And then we went to the Rodeo Drive store, and we weren't there long before Jessica called. I went to meet her, and we went back into the front store for a little bit. She was getting thirsty, though (and I was, too) so we ended up going to the Chinese place. Sharing these meals worked out well, because lunch was about $13 and dinner was $17, so sharing them really made the money go further. Neither of us was extremely hungry for dinner, so, unfortunately, we didn't eat all of our food. We got a big drink, though, that had cheap refills.
Then we went back to the front store, and were there until we went into the front "lobby" area for her to meet her parents. It was about time for me to leave, so that worked out fine. Her sisters, mom, and friend came over, and Meghann talked a lot (and tried to get my drink filled with frozen lemonade but got denied at the last minute), and I laughed a lot, and then they left. I went to get a refill on the drink. Root beer. Even with only one refill, it already brought the value down to almost as good a deal as any other drink, and evidently if we go back there the refills are still pretty cheap. Though I disagree. If you still have a 2005 cup, it should be cheaper. Since you still have it. And it should be an incentive to keep them. They're not that much more to refill, but I still think they should be less.
Jessica got a few drinks of root beer, we said goodbye, and parted. I got on the bus and put on some music. Leaving is painful. Goodbye is painful. There's no way around that, really. The moon came up, and the sunset had some pretty colors to it. I didn't bring a book because I figured I didn't want to carry it around all day (and I wasn't about to leave anything on the bus for security reasons), and I can really pass the time in my head... I've always got plenty of things running around in my head...
I didn't sleep on the way home. I think it was a combination of all of the things from the day and the caffeine. But I was able to go to sleep at home with not too much trouble.
Now... it's boredom. Leah has all of the music, so I can't really practice it. And there's nothing to do. Yet I have to help my dad with the router and my mom with her new DVD-VHS machine and do the laundry. But it's all boring. And lonely. And difficult.
Well, that's how it'll be until school starts. Once again, I want it to start. Because it will help keep my mind off of the pain, and help keep me busy.

Frank the Japaneetle

2006-08-02T15:15:00.001-05:00

Ah, movie night again. Lot's to say. I'm not sure if this will all be in order, but it happened at one point in time or another. I know that much.
Well, first of all, I couldn't find the keys. So my mom had to interrupt her errands to bring us to band camp. During the day, the guy came to fix the thermostat. We have had so much trouble with this new HVAC stuff... first I can remember was that the fan got stuck on high. It's supposed to slow down to almost off when it's not cooling, but it would just stay on full speed. They had to come and poke around (with a Winbloze Palm, no less) to fix it. Then, a few days later, it would get stuck on a temperature. If you have it set for 78 (like we do), it would cool it at 78, for a little while, but eventually it would stop. And the temperature would rise up above 80 and it wouldn't kick on. So they had to come and fix that. Otherwise, it's nice to be able to look and see that it's 102 outside.
Anyway, back to this ordeal. Evidently my mom found the keys. They were in the car. Wonderful. My fault. So we had a big discussion about that. And my parents never seem to think I realize anything, ever, so they just keep rubbing it in and pushing it in my face about how much I did wrong and how much wrong I caused. And sometimes it seems like I can do nothing about it. Luckily, I got clearance to go to Kelsey's for the movie night.
So, I left and got there barely after Colin (he passed me while I was waiting to cross 150). Dylan and... well, Dylan had gotten there already (of course), so I went in, and Kelsey and Colin and Kelsey and I talked about CD's and music downloads and Japan. Then we went downstairs, and I didn't see Dylan until I heard his voice suddenly and he popped his head out of the blanket. We watched... whatever was on TV. I don't know if I even knew at the time what that was. Shane showed up. Now, Shane had been calling me all day and afternoon to say I was going to die, I was going to die, I was going to die a horrible death. So I was getting a little bit scared, and he showed up, but everything was fine. Well, we all went into the computer room. Jessica wasn't there yet, so I called, and got her dad. My last name threw him off... it took him a while just to learn the first. He told me Jessica would call when she got home. Shane and I went and played pool. I kind of relearned how to play. I was horrible. I think I got one, maybe two of my balls in, but Shane ended up knocking the eight ball in, with the cue ball following it. So... yeah. He gave up I guess. After that, I was kind of in and out of the computer room. I was really holding on. Quite well, actually. But I ended up going in and out, and eventually Kelsey wouldn't let me leave. Shane was jumping on me, and he showed me some wrestling stuff. Great. That kind of hurt my back (not when he was stepping on me, actually, but when he did so and then pulled up my legs), but he really didn't do anything to my arm. Yeah... and I fell off the bed and stuff. Then Jessica came in just as Shane and Kelsey were chasing me as I dashed out of the computer room. As Kelsey talked to her, Shane offered me a handshake. Two worlds had just collided... the shellish world without Jessica, and then Jessica. I could have given it up right then and there; surrendered to the Light. I could have ended it. But I didn't. I hid behind the TV. (yes, Jessica, I'm so logical... you can just see the logic there) The darkness told me nobody cared (as it always does when I hide), and they really didn't. I came out when her dad came down. That's something I really noticed and really thought about... what is it with adults? It seems the darkness is lost on them. They don't and won't understand the darkness. They won't have it. And it seems silly when they're in the picture. I would really like to look into that more...
So then I went and sat with them. I see... what the crap????????
Darkness. Hiding. Not really thinking I'm going to leave the darkness. Anyone that came back there, I didn't care. It really had no effect on me. I couldn't leave my hiding place. For the life of me I cannot figure out why the heck I hide, but for some reason I can say leaving then would defeat that nonexistent purpose.
Yet a parent walks in, and within seconds I'm where I need to be. I really need to analyze this further. A lot further. Suggestion: if anyone is at all concerned with my hiding and is at all interested in helping me at all, maybe they need the attitude of an adult. Hiding is foolish. There is no purpose. It is unacceptable behavior. And that's how it must be treated.
Now, it wasn't all perfect as soon as I sat down. I felt like... I was as much a part of the group as I was when I was behind the TV. I felt useless, unappreciated. Does it matter if I have a use? Does it matter if I am appreciated? Does it matter if anyone cares if I'm there? Why can't I be fine if I don't and I'm not?
I'm sorry for all of the help I require to get out of that... I'm sorry for all of the reassurance I need. I'm sorry.
Jessica was sore, though. And I really had no idea that I could do anything to help her. I tried, though. I did what I could. And that's really the thing to do in almost any situation. Try. You may be surprised. Even if you're not on target, maybe someone will notice what you're trying to do and guide you.
Sitting on the couch with Jessica (and Shane) was great. That's what I like. That's where I'd rather be. And I wish it never had to end. But I had more darkness to deal with.
Shane had to leave to go home and get some DVD's. His dad had already called quite angry because Shane had broken two doors.

Yeah, I broke a door... again.

And so Shane went home and faced his dad (who conveniently went ballistic on him) and got some DVD's. Now Shane is everything but grounded and has to pay for and rebuild the door and wait outside (because the garage door is broken (cause of all of this madness)) for his dad to come home and let him into the house.
Shane came back very dark and very depressed about this.
We left. Jessica and I. And she showed me her writing. I couldn't feel... and I prayed. I prayed that I would be allowed and blessed to feel. Why is it only later I really realize things? Only now do I realize that later, in that very seat, I was lost in Love.
But I hid. I hid to pray. Because I needed to. I needed to be alone to really concentrate on God, really concentrate on Him and what He wanted me to do. Well, she went and hid, too. NO! I'm hiding to pray, and now that causes her to hide? I can't have her hiding.
So I moved out, but as soon as I turned the corner, I saw the devil himself. Well... I'm sure that there's worse, but in a sense, that's what I saw. I immediately pulled back. And prayed about that. I can't go and help her while facing the devil... I can't have him in there, I can't have him bothering me, not when I need to help her. And my heart told me I had to help her. So, unpredictably like I've said before, I got up with God and went to help her. I took a different approach this time than I have before... before I've forced her into the Light, dragged here there. But for some reason I decided to take a different route. I talked her out of it almost completely. And I learned (well, I've already "learned," but I was taught once more) that I must share how I feel. For those like her that want to help, it's worth so much to just let them know how I feel... because she wants to help, and she's sad she can't when I don't tell her how. So she was able to stand on her own, without my help, which is best of all.
Then she read me some of her writing. That's what got me lost in Love...
Then everyone went in to watch... the Boondocks. An episode we all had to see. So I sat outside the room. Because I was too dark to find a way inside. Kelsey and Dylan dragged me in (which reminds me... you were saying wrong things last night), and... I retreated behind the lamp, because it seemed like nobody cared... and I was too dark to make it right. I feel too guilty to make it right. I end up feeling like, after what I've done, it's wrong to make it right.
And then people got up and walked out. So did I. And, yes, I sat facing the fake aquarium (shh... don't tell the fish I said that). If I had faced the other way, I would have had a chance. But no. I sat there and stayed dark while Jessica and Shane started talking away (darkness saying they didn't care about me). So I left and sat alone on the couch with the blanket over me, and I prayed. I prayed I could make something, anything right before I had to leave. I prayed I'd be able to do something, anything about the darkness I was facing. I even took off the blanket to begin with.
Jessica came in and tried to help. Offered to help. But... I wasn't done facing my darkness. And she left again. So I prayed some more, and, once more with the strength of God, I got up and got closer to help. I sat where I realized I should have. Shane looked bad. Jessica, after me being such a horrible person, looked bad. And so I felt bad. Jessica tried to help Shane. I was too unsure of myself, dangit, so I didn't say anything. I don't think I said a word. Not to Shane to help him, not even to Jessica when she asked how I was doing.
Like I said before, it would make me more pleased if you would triage me and care for the others first. I'll live. I'll wait. I don't deserve to be treated at all, let alone first.
Jessica... I read something that really made me think of you. Oh, yeah, you read it, too, right? There's a certain goodwill we all must have towards people (and, oh, wow, you have it), but thinking we have to (or could) do everything is bad. Sinful. Do what you can. Be realistic about what you can do. You're only human. I know we wish we could do more, help more, be more... but we're only human. We can only do so much. For reasons we may or may not even think we understand. So just be grateful for what you can and do accomplish. And strive for more, but don't tear yourself up about it. Please. That tears me up, too.
Colin, congratulations of facing Kelsey's dad. To get your keys and Shane's coveted hat. We're all so proud of you...
Then we all got kicked out, I mean, left. Jessica informed me that she'd lost her sense of wonder. Her inspiring sense of wonder. That really troubled me. It really... hurt. So did slamming my face into the car window. The edge of the car window. Ouch.
As I left, I turned onto 150, looked up, and saw a shooting star. It looked gold. Such a beautiful sight... and such an interesting way to end such an evening.
Kelsey, I would not lie to you. I lie to myself before I lie to anyone else. And you should be able to tell when I'm lying to myself. I had a good time. At the very least, it was wonderful to finally see Jessica again. And Shane, and Colin. Because I hadn't seen them for a while. And it was great to hang out with all of you guys. Even though Shane beat me up some, even though I beat myself up some, even though I hid, even though it was hard... I'm glad. It's worth it. I need it. The things that "went wrong," if you could say that at all, didn't have anything to do with you, your hosting, or anything like that. It was great, and I really appreciate you having us over as often as you do. Thank you, Kelsey.
So... band camp today seemed much hotter than before. And our last few sets we learned are a mess. And Frank flew away. And everyone thinks I'm armed and dangerous. (Why would they think that? Well, I guess nothing's changed.) And that's about it.

Oh, Thought It Said Time

2006-07-31T19:37:00.000-05:00

Title, time, same difference.
So, band camp was hot but not too bad.
My trick of bringing frozen water worked out well. The ice melts and helps keep me cool (it helps to put it on the back of my neck periodically) and I have water to drink. Then I got another totally frozen water for the break, which lasted almost until lunch (well, it lasted through, but the ice all disapeared before then).
I put my camo with my had for added shade. It really helped to get the sun off of my face and neck. The fabric really started to smell hot, though. And I think Carmack might start calling me A-rab from now on.
There were certain individuals involved in a dogpile incident, and that did not make the M very happy.
The beetles everywhere were really freaking people out... but I don't know why. They're not that bad. They're legs kind of grab, but they don't bite (that I've experienced). I've picked a lot of beetles off of plants. And me. In fact, I came home and sat down here at the computer and found one crawling on my arm. I think I pinned it too hard. It was barely alive, and it's dead now.
Lunch was very good. The pizzas were nice, though I kind of dislike Pizza Hut. They have too much cheese and crust, and too much... grease, I guess. I prefer other places. But it was good. I had salad, some cherries, lemonade, and mixed fruit. I ate my Doritos, Dylan gave me his, and Peter gave me his potato chips. By then I was worn out, and I think being outdoors was getting to me. I couldn't play very much with the air I had, and Leah kept getting mad at me (or someone else, too) for squeaking.
Luckily we got out early. I got to do nothing on the computer here, pretty much. Then I got ready for a power cut that never happened. I read some of a book Jessica gave me (I'll use that as the Xanga thing), and... that's it. I'm pretty much bored and lonely.

Of course it's not air conditioned, it's Hell.

I think I'm the only one that liked that comment.
I usually just look at the set in the book while the leader is getting their bearings and set myself. It works well, since I don't have anyone to talk to or anything.
I'm not really looking forward to another day of this... but the bright side is that it's supposed to cool off over the week and Friday looks really good.
So I'm just tired and bored and lonely. Too tired to do much about it. The eind. I mean, end.

Pan Pan Pan

2006-07-27T22:52:00.000-05:00

Don't worry. It's not a mayday [yet].
I visited the Spaces today because Kelsey pointed me there (more accurately, Motium did). I did not find the song I was looking for, but I did have a chance to look around and be freaked out by Kugo's picture. I realized that MySpace can share the M$ abbreviation. I'll admit I seriously considered joining; secretly, of course. Just to play around. But I don't think I have the time just to get one to mess around with it. They do have RSS, but what your Spaces do to my Katmai is unacceptable. So, about my Spaces... there can be only none.
I feel really bad right now. I'm not sure exactly why it is, but some things don't help.
Band camp is here again... and band camp itself is something I like. I like playing my clarinet (more and more, I guess as I get better), I like being around people, I like doing my best. There just always have to be sour things to do with it that make it so hard on me.
I haven't seen Jessica since Sunday, and it seems like there's nothing that's prevented me from seeing her.
And band camp is the same as last year, except worse. Just like last year, I have really no direction going into it. I'm less afraid and more confident, but it seems so much more empty this year. I don't know what I'm going to do... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Dylan has his girlfriend again, except I feel so much more alienated this year. And Kugo and Peter aren't there, so I'm pretty much alone. And I'm just made to feel more and more alone.
All I do is sit back and listen to the conversations. Sometimes they're pretty funny. But... I guess I can't do that all of the time. Sometimes I participate, sometimes I feel like I'm a part of something. But usually I just feel like a wanderer that doesn't belong.
Don't think this is your fault. Never think that. Even if it technically is, I don't care to blame you.
I guess the positive thing is that things improved once school started last year. We'll see how that goes. As always, I have no idea what could possible be worth even looking forward to. It'll surprise me as always, and I probably won't even see it coming.
I just got some Iron Maiden, Tool, Nonpoint, and Linkin Park. I'll see how it sounds.
I really got around to listening to some of my country music, and there are some great songs there. Maybe they'll help me feel better...
I guess I'll go to bed now... I hope this won't be one of those difficult nights.
Maybe I finally know what Colin means by "meh."

One Step Closer

2006-07-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

One step closer to knowing...
Alright, I have had no time to blog or read blogs or anything since Friday. I apologize.
Being Sunday, I don't remember Friday extremely well, but I do remember a few things. The darkness came in two waves...
I really enjoyed it. Fun with XP. I really don't know what the deal was with not finding any signal tests, and then the Russian thing... that was fun. Paint... And then Sealab. That's always good. When the Scene It game was put in, I just left. Because I couldn't play that. I'm stupid. So I hid behind the bar. Shane threw his can back there, and I threw it back twice. Then I came out, but nobody really cared enough (so I was told by the darkness), so I just went back to hiding. And, as I knew would happen, Jessica knew all kinds of stuff and I know nothing... and I just hid, because I had no purpose. I was useless. I guess I hid back there for a long time... Shane kept throwing cans back there, and then after a near miss came back and threw them at my head. Eventually... yeah, Shane beat the crap out of me. The whole time everyone was just sitting there not caring about it. Nope, Shane's being cruel to Matt, that's fine. Matt can die... So then I went back behind the bar. Kelsey kept trying to help, and she did. But Jessica refused to come. The darkness was telling me that she didn't care anymore and would just let me be beat up and dark... I screamed, and while I was behind the bar, I cried. I don't know if Kelsey could tell, but I cried. And then she finally dragged me out from behind the bar and they put me on Jessica's chair. And she was feeling bad about this, too. Colin asked for a hand check, so I just fell down the side of the chair. Eventually the little chair there cutting into my abdomen was hurting, so I curled up on the floor. I think I'd cried all I could... and it wasn't good. Eventually I was able to get over it and return to Jessica. And that really helped. But then wave two hit. The Disney Triva game was "noticed" and brought out. Again, I'm stupid, so I just left. I had no purpose. No substance... And you think you are the one that I "show up"... I hid because I knew I'd have no answers and just be and idiot. Shane wasn't playing, either. He came back and decided to throw all of the cans at them. I thought that they would have stuff in them, and that it was a bad idea, but... I was too weak anymore. And I just went along with it. We got pop all over us and them, stained Jessica's shirt, and hit her in the head. Once I realized what I'd done... that made things so much worse. I tried hiding under blankets, but Shane was bored, too, and kept throwing stuff and bothering them and me. Eventually I put a paper bag over my head. I think air was getting in somehow... a shame. Jessica eventually took it off and drug me out in the middle of the floor. And then I left again. I just felt bad about all of the darkness before that, which made me feel even more dark, and it just got worse. I could find no way into the Light. I hid behind the couch because... I just felt bad about everything. And I didn't think I deserved to see Rent, see anybody, and I didn't deserve their help. I just wanted to sit in darkness and feel dark about it.
Then Jessica started burying her head in the pillow and acting like I was. When someone starts acting like me, that's not a good sign at all. One of the most effective ways to help me has always been to need my help. I can just hurt myself and be in darkness myself, but I can't let someone else do that. I want to help them, and if I can't, that makes it worse... especially if I feel like it's because of me that they feel that way. So I found my way out of the darkness and into the Light. Finally.
Well, Shane blogged about the night, and he kind of had the same experience I did with being beat up and ignored. I still haven't read that, though. I will.
My mom called and I said I'd be home by one. So I stayed, and then Jessica and I left a little before then. I really hate leaving...
I had to get up at 0630 to help at the airshow in Peoria. It was great except for the one(s) that was missing.
We helped in the autograph tent (unmarked tent), which meant sitting through the morning and then telling people that the celebrities would be there sometime. Just not right that minute.
There was also another lady there, and her husband was driving a golf cart, so he was able to tell us what the word on the street was as to what was going on. And he gave us a ride out there.
A B-2 flew over on its way to another airshow, and that was awesome. The plane acts were really cool, too, and it was great to have all of the pilots eating and talking in the tent next to us. And it was cool to have some of them come over and sign autographs. Lots of people there, and of course lots of different kinds of people.
One thing that very... well... different from before...
The people doing the announcing were just outside our tent. So when the B-2 went over, we went over there to watch it, and all of the people on the trailer were talking and telling each other what it was going to do, since they had contact with the tower and the air boss. That was nice.
Around 1400 they announced that a "highly inebriated" person was messing with planes, and you should get security on him if you see him. So then a little later a guy wandered up to the announcing booth. He was wearing a trucker's hat (which said "Beer Delivery Guy"), was kind of unshaven, had aviator sunglasses on, a white tank top (stained and ripped some), jeans (like the shirt), and black sneakers. He was carrying a paper bag with some bottle in it.
This would be the first indication that something was amiss. He's definitely the stereotypical drunk, but... does that fit in at an airshow? The security is fairly tight there. And people are drinking alcohol all over the place. Why hid it in a bag? And where would he get the bag? It just doesn't fit.
He started yelling at the announcers that he wanted a plane ride. They called security, and he promptly jumped the fence and ran out onto the flightline. Evidently one of the planes had been having problems, and was sitting and running on the taxiway, so he jumped inside and took off.

He said he wanted a plane ride, he's getting one.

I also think the fact that the security hadn't gotten him was a little bit odd. And that he wanted a plane ride and seemed very drunk yet was able to jump a fence and run from security, get in a plane, and take off.
What I really noticed and decided it was fake was that he stayed over the runway. That's a big indication they're part of the show. And he didn't crash.
Indeed, he was part of the show, and came to sign autographs.
So not much really went on for the rest of the day. It was really cool to be around all of the performers there. The A-10 did its thing, and besides the B-2, that was probably the best show of the day.
I knew that Kelsey had planned a movie night, and so I wanted to get home. I checked my messages to find one from Jessica, and felt bad about not getting her call... because I wanted to talk to her, too. I had a headache all through the ride home, and I tried to sleep it off. I got home at around 1750 and took a shower. Kelsey called to ask if Jessica or I was going to come. So I knew Jessica wasn't there...
I got ready to leave and had a 20 minute discussion with my parents about being out late on Friday night. I was finally allowed to leave after that, with the agreement I would leave Kelsey's house at 2330. So I got to Kelsey's house to find no car of Jessica's. I called home to let them know I had arrived, and then called Jessica. She said that she had completely forgotten about the time, and that she'd be there once she found her purse and was able to leave.
So I went in and saw the end of Raymond, an episode we had seen at church one time. After that, Tron was put in. That was kind of funny in some parts, and I liked it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see cron in the same way...
Jessica arrived, and she was feeling a little bad. I did all I could to cheer her up, and I didn't even have anything to eat or drink because I was worried about how she was feeling. And then the darkness hit. I was just slowly falling away from her, and I realized she was doing the same from me... I don't know the reason for the darkness. I just feel that nobody cares and then fall and see if they care enough to catch me... and they don't, so I just keep falling...
Well then Jessica fell to the floor. In response to this I did something I don't think I've ever done more than possible once or twice... I actually pulled out of all of my darkness to come to her side, and I didn't leave until she was better. And even better than that, she didn't let me just fall once she was better. That was wonderful.
After Tron, everyone went out and up to see Kelsey's room. I really like how it's a fairly small room, but she doesn't have much in there, so there's plenty of space.
Then we went back down and everyone went into the computer room. I just held on to Jessica, and that was good. I did all I could to keep her from falling. But I don't remember what happened... I ended up becoming detached. I won't quite say that I fell... but I left. I couldn't hide, though. I wanted to come back. I didn't want to hide. But every time I came back it seemed like I had no purpose there and nobody needed me, so I left, and I stayed in limbo...
But eventually Jessica came and thought it was all her fault (which I think could be the ultimate reason I ever beat the darkness "for good"), which nothing was, and I helped her. Colin did stuff on the computer, Dylan and Kesley had the floor in the pool room, and Jessica and I sat on the couch and talked and held each other. Eventually Dylan and Kelsey came in and we watched Pirates of the Caribbean. I saw that a long time ago, so it was kind of cool to see it again. And, being older and having seen it before, I understood more. I guess.
For some reason I've always been able to accept and feel and see everything that Jessica is... but... lately I haven't. She's been seeming more and more like some dream, some wonderful dream... yet she's real. And I don't know why, but she's seemed like a dream, and then to see her so real... and I hate so much to leave... it's like something that I've sworn never to do yet am forced to every time... and it was sad leaving without Jessica, but I actually handled it very well. I don't know why I was able to take it so well... at other times darkness could have come in and attacked and stolen the Light I saw... but I guess the Light that I had seen in Jessica and the Love I had felt for her while she was in my arms kept me going. And I'm glad I had that to get me through another day.
The second day of the show was much more exciting. The lady and her husband weren't there, though. We didn't get there as early, since we just sat there and did nothing until noon anyway. A little FAQ:

Will [insert performer] be here?
Some come, some don't. They'll be a little while if they do show up.
Where is a bathroom I can use?
Behind you, that way, past all of the tents.
Is there a schedule or something?
Or
When is [insert act] going to fly?
There isn't really a fixed schedule of who will fly when. From what is announced, we can tell you about when something is going to happen, but never for certain.
How do I get back there [into the VIP tents]?
I don't know why we look so much more like a gate than that white tent down there. They can tell you about how to get in.

I decided to take some pictures, but found that the camera batteries were almost dead, the spares were totally out and minimal. I took the minimal ones to find that they were acting up (they're getting a little old), and so I got one, maybe two on the line of static displays before I just gave up. And someone else later was wanting to find some batteries. Then there were the photographers running around with two-foot lenses...
We got some Sharpies for the ones that didn't bring them, but we still had no sign. I just decided to trust that we'd find one, or find a chance to find one, or something. He would take care of us.
Sure enough, the Peoria Fire Explorers ended up setting up a little post there, and they made a beautifully calligraphed sign for us. We'd never heard of them before, so we learned some about what exactly Fire Explorers do. They didn't sell very many programs, though (for fundraising for their national competition), and were replaced by a group of guys that eventually left altogether. But they did get fried chicken and potatoes and biscuits for lunch.
My favorite performing group was probably the A-10 guys. They were a cool group and it was interesting to hear about what they do. On the first day they even signed one of their cards for each of us, too. My favorite performer was Kerry Tidmore. He was just a very nice guy. He flies for FedEx, and he said they are extremely flexible, and you can rearrange your schedule until you get what works for you.
Another thing that gave us more to do the second day was a mission. There was a pile of posters that was to go to the sponsors or something, and our job was to ask all of the performers that came to sign it. A little later in the day another poster was brought, but this one was special. It was for a five-year-old at the children's hospital, and it was to be signed in silver Sharpie, and there was a frame (that didn't fit the poster, so I don't know what the deal was with that) to be signed in black. Not everyone signed both of them since it came late, and it got a little hectic with the six Lima Lima guys and Kerry and Matt (the owner of the plane that was flown by the "drunk") all there at the same time.
There was also an act in which a guy rode a biplane up and then a helicopter came and the guy grabbed on to the skid and held on. The visitors remarked that he didn't look crazy. An old lady was there and thought he was joking that he was that guy, and took his picture. She then took the pictures of the pilots of the plane and helo, and then took a picture of my dad and me.
It was a really nice day. We got to eat from the tent that was serving the performers, and there were tacos the first day and pork or chicken sandwiches the next. There were the usual toppings for both along with grapes, carrots, celery, bananas, chips, and little brownies squares. There were Pepsi and Budweiser products for beverages, but we just had bottled water.
Last year we had worked in parking, telling people where to go. And it backed right up to the full band camp days. We had to be there at like 0700 or so and stay until everyone left. It was a long day, and we had to stand out in the sun telling drivers where to park. There wasn't much shade there next to the tent, either. But this year we had our own tent there, not much to do most of the time, water and food close by, a good view and a better one very close, the announcing booth next door, and the stars of the show.
Of course, with not much to do, I had a lot of time to just sit there and think... about the future...
And, unlike the day before, we rode back to the car on the tractor tram. But we had to sit and wait about ten minutes because the E-2 had to leave. It's not every day you have to wait for an AWACS to taxi out.
We got to the exit, and the coordinator of the show had my dad and I drive a couple of golf carts to where they needed to be returned. I had never driven a golf cart before... it was interesting. And I bumped the cart in front of me when I parked it. Oops.
We rode to our car with Heidi, who is going to graduate from college and join the Air Force as a meteorologist. She's in ROTC, and she's always wanted to do what she'll be doing.
Then we finally left, and on the drive home were reminded that we could have gotten home faster on a World War I trainer than in our car.
After I ate, my parents had a talk with me about how I need to talk to people. I had had a long day, and wasn't really in the mood for another grilling about "scholarships" and that stuff... but Jessica called, and said she could come over. I came back into the conversation completely different. I don't know why, really, but when I don't know when I'll see her or even hear from her again, I'm just... drab. Grey. Not really happy, enthusiastic, excited, or anything like that. Just kind of sad. But as soon as I know I'll be able to see her soon, that's completely turned around.
And all of the feelings from the night before were back and better than ever...
Today I have band camp. Unlike last year... wow... last year seems so long ago and so different. I'm actually excited and only kind of apprehensive about it. I found my music, which was, yes, in my clarinet case. Yep. Who feels stupid now?
Since... uh... Wednesday I think, I've been converting my music to a lower bitrate, and I've been going straight since then. I haven't stopped. And at 24 hours a day, it's still got all of my foreign, jazz, movie music, and newer stuff (pretty much everything that isn't foreign, classical, or classic rock) to go. Not to mention a couple of four-album discographies (Rage Against The Machine and A Perfect Circle) and one with seven (Buddha Bar) along with probably 700 MP3 files, all to be converted to Ogg. This computer has a lot of processing to do... with 500 Mhz that doesn't go very far. You and your Pentium 4's... in the Ghz...
And the people came to do the siding today, so they're banging on the wall.
I apologize about the length... I haven't had the time to catch up until now.
There's a long future ahead of us... and I've got mixed feelings about it.

Maybe

2006-07-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

First of all, I forgot to say that the magazine did not make sense. The box said clearly "Open Immediately! Open Immediately! Open Immediately!" Oh, and it also said "Under 18." So then why in the magazine do they not really mention that drinking is illegal for you? They just tell you not to drink and drive and not to let others do so, but they fail to mention that it's also illegal to drink at all. Just something interesting.
I saw this picture and laughed. A lot. I guess I needed a good laugh... it's your world on Windoze.
I've been cleaning my room... geez I keep a lot of stuff. I've got a couple of aircraft carriers... probably a hundred CD's (junk CD's I don't want; that doesn't count games and music I came across)... marching band music from every year but this one (I'm looking for that!!!)... most of the planets (Mars and Pluto are still up there... the rest fell down. I wonder where Jupiter got to...)... som stars (oooh, idea)... two ripped-apart speaker sets... a bunch of books I don't want anymore...
And when I get bored I play my computer at chess. I still haven't beaten it. At first it totally pwn3d me, but today my first game I really went at it and got closer (I'd been on frantic and hopeless defense before, but this time I went for some offense)... it's still smarter than I am. Surprise?
I found a M$ Windoze 95 "Certificate of Authenticity." Yeah... that'll go on the dart board with the Visio 2000 sheet.
So... it's been quite a week... not much has happened. The usual mix of hopelessness and joy. I don't know why, but I was listening to this song yesterday and it really helped me.

"Whisper"

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus]

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

[Chorus x3]
Servatis a pereculum.
Servatis a maleficum

I'll see if you can figure out what band that is. Also... have any of you ever heard of A Perfect Circle or Buddha Bar? I hadn't... maybe the first in passing. But if they have an album named Thirteenth Step, I'll give them a listen.
I also found a copy of "The Raven" and "The Truce of 2003." Yeah...
I lost part of my Dosage rips on the reloading... I think. So I found Disciplined Breakdown, which is, as usual, awesome. I just really like the sound of Collective Soul.
So... it's back to the room I go. Well, I'm there, but I've got some more work to do (understatement). I'll see most of you at Colin's later... that'll be good.

A Conscious Thing

2006-07-17T15:15:00.000-05:00

Well...
There was a movie night at Jessica's Saturday night. That was the first time I'd ever driven alone, so it was quite a different experience. I decided to go straight to the Ellsworth road, and drove past it. Which is fine, because at least I knew it when I saw it, and I know where it is now. I didn't want to be early (that's just terrible) so I drove through Ellsworth to see what I could see. Then Jessica called me, and I had to pull into a driveway anyway to turn around, so I ended up in the driveway with the crazy dogs. They weren't interested, though, and I barely saw one way up at the house. So I finished talking to Jessica and turned around and got to her house. I guess I was the last one there, so I just stood by the wall. No reason but... I don't know why I did that. I just didn't want to intrude. Shane had to threaten me, and then I finally sat down, though I had already almost dropped a slice of pizza and spilled Chex mix everywhere. After the showing movie was finished, we attempted to watch Raymond, but nobody was really paying attention. Everyone was just talking, so then we attempted to watch Serenity, which went just like Raymond did. I actually enjoyed most of what I saw, though. So I look forward to seeing in on Friday as Colin says will happen. Jessica and Shane went on the Internet. I was left all alone on the couch with Colin, and I'm tired of all of the dial-up whining that goes on, and I didn't know what was going on, but I can't cry in front of almost anyone. Jessica came back and apologized, and that helped. I don't know why, but I tend to feel alone sometimes. If I feel I'm just there and nobody cares. I don't like that, and I'm trying to beat it.
Eventually Jessica and I drove to the vending machines to get candy and soda. I really did not like driving there. I'm the type that would walk anywhere in Ellsworth in any weather. And the dual cameras at the machines was a bit of overkill, I thought.
We returned and, as always, we reverted to Sealab. We had that on for a long time. Not much went on... her sisters were in and out with the neighbors, and then and eventually we got bored and played Loaded Questions. I really didn't know what was going on. Actually, I was back to pretending that I was ignorant, stupid, and clueless, but I serioulsy wasn't sure what all of the fruit yelling was about until the end. So during that game I just put weird answers, and... I don't know why I wanted to stay back. I guess that's just how I was feeling. Back to the separation and distance, just standoff observation.
Then Colin left, and we stopped playing that. I really don't know things, so I don't know why there was surprise at me not knowing how to play that game. Or maybe it was just me being stupid... pretending and convincing myself I didn't know. I can't tell sometimes.
So I couldn't come up with anything, and I just laid down on the floor. It's a bad mix. I feel alone, but I don't want any attention. I just want to stay in my quagmire and melt into the ground.
Then everyone left. And I had to face my darkness.
I really don't know why it bothers me so much so suddenly. I just feel alone and forgotten, and then I just want to stay that way. Maybe I'm too focused on the darkness. Maybe I shouldn't try to deal with it then. Maybe I should just do all I can to be happy, and then I can look at the darkness later.
Then after all of that came the drive home. At night.
It went fine until I missed the turn as I did before. I decided to turn around, and I found the signs of a turnoff. Evidently I missed it and ended up in the ditch. The first step in such a situation is to just continue as planned. I tried backing up. That didn't work. The grass was tall and wet, and I wasn't going anywhere. So the next step would be to try going forward. When that didn't work, I knew I was stuck. So I tried going to the left, the right, straight ahead. I got to move a few inches, but it would go no further. I was in the ditch at an angle, so I decided to try to to straight up the ditch. Finally I got some traction, and I got up the hill a bit. Before I hit the corn (conveniently the last few rows before soybeans), I tried backing up to no avail. I had to pull into the corn some to get some traction to back up. My next idea was to travel down the side of the field where it was level. So I did that a bit and then got out to see where I was. I had pulled just past the pulloff, and so I figured I could back past that and finally turn out. I had to go forward to get a little speed, though I couldn't get much, and finally got out of the field. I waited for a motorcycle to go by and then turned behind it back towards the road I wanted. For some reason the motorcycle started going about 30, so I decided to pass, but I missed my turn again doing that. Great judgment. So I just made the loop around and came back. I made it home just after midnight, with no real damage.
The drive to church went much better. And I always enjoy what Kevin has to say. Everyone seemed really quiet and subdued, though. Downstairs, as usual, I just didn't feel that much. Jessica said she was getting healed, but I didn't know how, because I was just... there. And she looked happy, and clapped and sang as she usually does. I just felt sad, and I couldn't find any reason to be happy. But for some reason I just locked into one of the lines of the song and just followed it, and it helped. And by the time it was over I was feeling better. Nothing ecstatic, just better. After Jessica got a few cell phone numbers from me, she left, and then I left. Kelsey had mentioned going to see Pirates of the Caribbean, and Jessica told me 1600 was the time. I got home, ate, took a shower, installed Linux, and then got ready to leave for the movie. Jessica called as I was going out the door, and so I called Kelsey to see what was going on. She didn't answer her cell phone so I called her house, and was told she would call me in 10 or 15 minutes. I relayed this to Jessica and waited. Probably a little closer to 15 minutes later she called back, and we agreed on the 1630, and I called Jessica, and then left. We all got in and got tickets, and saw Sammy, Ashley, Kyle, and Katie all working there. Kelsey went to the theater, and Jessica bought popcorn. A big bag of it. Then we went to the theater and found Kelsey and found some seats.
The movie was really good. It was actually quite like the first one, with the same people and stuff. It was funny, and there was a lot of action and animation, and I enjoyed it.
Sometimes I'm really afraid to do something. Generally, if there's any time constraint on it, I wait too long and end up not doing it. And regretting it. But if there's a long time I have to get my act together, sometimes I'm actually able to get over the fear. It's weird, though. I don't just get over my fear. I kind of leave myself behind and enter a different state of mind. I don't care about anything but doing what I'm trying to do. It seems the worst fear is of little things like saying something, or, in this case, getting a beverage for someone. I finally just pushed aside everything in my mind and went. It's not really a conscious thing; it's like something just finally triggers me to do it. I talked to Kyle some, forgot the drink, almost dropped it, almost forgot a straw, and tripped into my seat. Smooth.
Eventually the movie was over, and everyone in front of us and probably most in back of us left as the credits started. I always like to read the credits, just to see if ILM did anything in it, and see any interesting job titles. It takes a lot of people to make a movie, especially that one. They had what must have been over a hundred computer animators alone, and plenty of stunt doubles.
And then sometimes there's a treat at the end, like for this movie, that most people miss.
At least I remembered to turn off my cell phone.
So then I went home, took a walk with my dad, did some more things on the computer, and went to bed.
And today's been pretty dull. But I've got quite a list of things to do.
I have to finish the Steer Clear thing for the insurance agent. Almost done. But his magazine is really weird. It's got horribly-colored text (red on black isn't fun, and there's even worse), and there's a lot of weird stuff. Like some, uh, what do you call them? Astrological stuff. And... dang, I should know what those are called. Anyway, they're all crazy. And the last two pages are just a couple of unexplained word lists. The whole thing appears to be almost 10 years old (the material, not the actual magazine).
I have to find Jessica's stickers.
I have to get the trash out of the hallway.
I have to clean off my desk.
I have to practice my clarinet.
And just for fun I have to look at battery types again.
I finally figured out why Firefox kept going to the ASU site.

New Night

2006-07-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

Um, okay. Interesting dream.
I don't remember everything, or everything in order, but I do remember some things.
I went to Jessica's house, and I had planned to get there at 1230 or 1300 I think, but I got there more at 1200. But this was not what her house is really like. There was a front room with the door, and a TV was there in front somewhere with what looked like a VCR and a DVD player. A couch was to the right and facing the door and TV.
So... someone else showed up. Colin, Shane, maybe it switched between the two. Then we were attacked. First was some kind of umbrella thing. Made out of wood. So it charged the door and came in, and I had to fight it off with these weak pieces of wood. I finally smashed it. Then, this lantern-like thing fell from the sky and landed across the street. It turned into this really weird apple with a happy face on it. It had this really weird battery thing on the front, and it was talking. It said that it was waiting until it was provoked. So what did I do? Opened fire with my imaginary carbine, which did absolutely nothing. It really didn't do anything, but I guess the gesture of being shot at angered this apple. I just realized that's funny... I closed the shutters on both sides of the door for cover and shot around the edge. Jessica said that it projected a ground squirrel on the ground, and then it moved out to a straight approach to the door. I got a big piece of plywood (there were lots of these stuffed into a gap in the wall near Jessica) and discovered it was a non-rigid door. I tried to put it over the window, but the thing that was attacking had turned into Spencer and he had a big chainsaw. Great thing to wield off with wood. I backed down, and he cut up the door a little. Then, somehow, I got him around on the other side of the couch, and this Shane/Colin guy took one of the plywood pieces and smacked Spencer in the butt. I grabbed Spencer and his chainsaw, and proceeded to test it on the wall. My idea had been to twist the board as he cut it to stop the chainsaw or something. But, as he said, it had "360 protection," and you could stick it in the wall and turn it around and it would just bend and cut. So I started messing with the controls, and I turned it completely off. We set it down in the kitchen (just behind the couch) and Spencer wasn't happy that I had turned his weapon off. Then I went to Jessica, who for some reason had a really dark tan. I don't think she was very happy, and I think it was because she didn't help Shane/Colin and I fight the enemies. Maybe it also had something to do with the tan. I also think she was supposed to be on vacation somehow, because she said they just watched videos of Breckenridge and somewhere else, and that was their vacation. They did have a VCR, so I guessed that was how they watched these videos. I don't know where this house we were in was located. There were other people on the couch now. I don't remember what was supposed to be on the TV, but her dad came in and changed the channel. It was some weird thing where a personified carton of ice cream (or jar of bacon, I couldn't tell) was hiding behind the other foods in refrigerators and stuff, but someone was looking for it. A fat person I guess. I don't know. And there was popcorn to eat, but there was the sensation of eating wet popcorn, and I don't know if I'm hungry right now or if I'm sick because of that.
That's all I've got from that dream. And the night before I remember we were on this ship, and they had a really nice library or something of the sort, but me and someone else (maybe that Shane/Colin person) got in trouble for messing it up, and were arrested and not allowed on the ship again. Later I guess we got parole and we were allowed back under tight and reluctant supervision. And that's all I remember there.
A while ago I dreamed that I was in this house, and there was basically just a really tall enclosed spiral staircase leading to an attic room, and it was stormy out, like in the movies where they go and find something in the attic that has some historical significance. So of course I found something in the attic, and I was back in time or something, and we were fighting these other people, and it was a combination of a modern war game and Lord of the Rings or something. We were trying to keep something from them, but they were closing in too quickly. See, in these dreams, even when I have a gun, I don't really ever shoot people. If I do, they aren't really "shot," and they just die. But that takes a lot of shooting. It's just imaginary bullets until they fall down. And then there are the times when I don't really have a carbine...
And then there are the times I can't remember whether something was a dream or if it actually happened... not even like it was so good that I can't believe it was real, but that I seriously can't remember whether I had dreamed that sometime or if it really happened.
This is hilarious. Fritolaysia and Snackistan, and it only gets better.
Another dream. We went to somewhere... and, just so you know, this dream was very realistic. Of course it didn't make sense, but it was very vivid and real. My family was there, and so was Alex, a neighbor of ours. I don't remember much of the beginning, but Jessica was there, too, and we decided to go to my house. Colin yelled to check what he posted, or he'd make me do it. Now this is very weird. Jessica sat in the rear right seat, and Alex sat next to her, in the middle, so I was disappointed. I sat in the left rear. Then somehow, Jessica had to sit on top of Emily in front of me. And my dad drove in the right-hand seat.
On the way home, we passed the airport, and I think I was in the right-hand rear seat now for the view (this was on the right-hand side). An Embraer-type jet had just landed, and it had this thing suspended below it. At first I thought it was a jet-assist for takeoff or something, but it stopped and taxied. Apparently it was an F/A-18 engine, painted black, but evidently for the Blue Angels that were in town.
So we got home, and I wanted to know where Jessica was. I looked in the basement, and there were two girls sleeping on the couch on opposite ends. This confused me, so I looked upstairs, and Emily was upstairs. I finally decided that Jessica was on the far end and Emily (Not my sister, a neighbor of ours... weird.) was on the nearer end. Since they were asleep and I didn't want to bother them, I left. I was feeling sad that I couldn't be with Jessica, so I put a blanket over myself and went to my room. I had left my light and monitor and CCTV on in my room, and was on some forum site. And there were new posts to read. But I really didn't feel like it. I couldn't be with Jessica, so I really didn't feel like doing anything else, so I decided I'd just sleep. That tends to be how I waste time. But I guess you can't sleep when you're asleep, so I abruptly woke up, and it really surprised me because... it was like waking up from reality. As many incongruencies as the dream had, it was very realistic.
So, the movie night thing at my house. Very fun. Kelsey was the only one to get there on time, so it was kind of awkward just sitting there on the couch watching King of the Hill. I felt really bad about that, and thought that it would be a boring time. Then Jessica got there at about 1725, so that was better. They started talking to each other and I went outside to ask my dad how the fire was doing. When I came back, I saw Shane's van and Colin's truck pull up. And Kevin also got out. Sweet... I didn't expect that. It was kind of funny, because Kelsey and I saw this really really really weird Sprite commercial, and Kelsey said that it completely turned her off from Sprite because she doesn't drink with her eyes. And Shane arrived wearing a Sprite t-shirt.
We went outside and talked and took pictures (Colin took the pictures the whole time. I'd like to see some of those pictures.), and throught the time attempted to play croquet. Shane and Kelsey liked the swingset. I got chased for no apparent reason. But I couldn't hide at my own house, so I came back. And stood on top of the swingset. This worried people, like Jessica. But of course there's no good way to get down from there, so that made things more difficult. Eventually I lost my balance and jumped. The roll was as usual, just a little scrape on my side. I wonder if I can eliminate that... I really don't like doing that to people that care about me.
Shane manhandled me as usual. So everyone cooked hotdogs, then I cooked my hotdog alone, and then we ate and talked. Everyone but Kevin and Jessica and I left to get some DVD's, and Jessica and Kevin talked about Magic cards. I really don't know anything about that. But I'm generally pretty clueless when I listen in to conversations, so I just picked out all I could. I know I'm stupid, you don't have to make me feel like it. That's pretty much how it goes.
So then everyone that had left returned, and they couldn't find the DVD that was under the tablecloth. I gave it to Shane and got in trouble for showing Jessica up. I don't even know what I did wrong... please forgive me...
Then we went inside, and everyone but Jessica and I went to watch Sealab in the basement, and we watched La Fea upstairs. I felt good. Things were going very well.
After La Fea was over, we went downstairs. Jessica sat in the office chair, and there wasn't really anywhere to sit, so I stood next to the door of the entertainment center. I considered hiding behind the glass, but I decided not to. Eventually Jessica got up and went upstairs. I tend to be observant, and I was watching for her return. I considered hiding under the lamp table, but decided not to. I just happened to look, and Jessica had come back but was standing back next to the stairs. A little while later I looked again, and she was sitting on the floor. I was worried about her, so I went and tried to help her. Eventually she came to lie under the chair. She still wasn't doing well, so I just kept trying to help her. I really felt like I failed, and she just left my inadequacy. And found Light. So I just fell into darkness. She did all she could, and she really did help me.
One thing that I did that I haven't been able to do before is to turn away from the darkness and reach out. Instead of staying and falling into the darkness, making someone else save me, I did all I could to stop the fall. I held on, and it really helped me.
The only other darkness was that Jessica sat in the chair part of the time and I felt lonely.
Sealab was great... I really liked when the subs with Texas flags showed up. I wanted to see more of that plot...

There can be only none.

I really liked the Star Wars references, and then I think there was the Men In Black reference, too.

¡No, no come!
Oh, señor, don't do it!

And it was hilarious when the episode of Sealab ended with Shake and Meatwad.
Anyway, eventually Jessica left, and then Kelsey drew some things, amazing as usual (Do you want those back?), and Shane, Kevin, Colin, and I played chess. Kevin and Shane, me and Colin. It was really funny, because we played bughouse, and Shane and Kevin were more aggressive, and Shane beat Kevin fairly soon. Colin and I, though, ended up with all of the pieces, and we weren't really taking any until we finally decided to start trading pieces.

Are you leaving?
No, I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wait, are you leaving?
No.
Kelsey, are you leaving?
Shut up!

I had a knight that really bothered Colin, and the fact that I had a huge amount of pieces arranged forward, and he thought he was toast. But I never think I've got my opponent beaten. I always look at how they could gain the upper hand as long as they can do that. So Colin and I played for a while, and Colin just gave up, so Shane took over and we played it to a checkmate. Very nice, actually... I've never played a game with four bishops, three rooks, three knights, and too many pawns. And I usually wait until the other person has nothing but a king and maybe pawns left before I use my remaining pieces to win. Now But this time, Shane and Kevin had to go. Kelsey had left, Colin had left, and then Shane and Kevin left.
One thing that was mentioned that I think Jessica would want to know is a Texas hold'em tournament with the GSC. Of course, I don't really know how to play, but that sounds fun.

Salt!

They felt bad about leaving such a mess, but it wasn't that bad. Electronics turned off, cans cleaned up, chair-thing back upstairs, cup upstairs, and that's it. Evidently Kevin tripped in the yard on his way out, and they thought they had left Shane's phone. But they found it.
I had had too much caffeine to go to bed before 0130, so I woke up later than I had wanted to.

Update on the Windows installation. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the hosts file, but it's kind of like a blacklist firewall. If you put a domain into the hosts file, the computer will not accept connections with it. It's very useful for blocking sites that host ads or malware or things like that. Well, Windows thinks that file is perpetually in use now, so you can't delete it or rename it or change it. We might have to reinstall Winblows. We just did that. Geez. Surprise, surprise. Oh, and to top it all off, it went into a coma because we attached an external drive. Well, there's no telling why it went into a coma, but we attached the drive and it wouldn't wake up. How convenient.

What were you doing?
I was doing what I always do.
Yep, that's the problem.

Linux is doing great. Better than ever. If something goes wrong on Linux, it's automatically my fault. Because the OS is not going to have any problems. It's something I did to break it. And I've done plenty of that. Luckily I've gotten used to recording what I do so that I can undo it in case it borks something.

Let's see you do that with your Windows interface.

Yay, it looks like the geranium plant is going to bloom!

Crossing Over

2006-07-13T23:13:00.000-05:00

My mom said that the night before I was born, the movie K-9 was on in the hospital. Evidently it came on again Tuesday night. And at the DMV my dad said that it was hot and muggy in Austin on the day I was born, just like it was on Wednesday. I was thinking that this was really weird, and I guess my pessimism caused me to assume that this meant an end. What a convenient end...
But that evening I realized that it was not an end, but a new beginning.
The last year has brought so much into my life that I never thought I'd do or know.
I used to be alone. Dylan was my friend, but I was even a little afraid of him, and scared to death of everyone else. I was scared to even be near anyone. I realized that this was not good, and that I needed to change it. I knew I wanted to be more open, but I still assumed that I'd always be alone. I figured I'd never have anyone, never really talk to anyone. That was part of my plan to join the military. I'd have my family, but that's it, and if I were to become a casualty, I wouln't really have anyone else to worry about. I remember sitting in our swing last summer with my dad, and he said that someday I'd be sitting there with my girlfriend. Of course, at the time, I was scared to death of everyone, and I could hardly imagine talking to anyone. I was doubtful of even saying hello, let alone making any new friends.
I realize now that I Loved everyone. I Love people. But they all scared me to death. It was a painful combination. I knew I had to change some things and face my fears. I had had a lot of fun at band camp the year before, so I decided I would use that for training.
The military has Red Flag at Nellis every few years. It's one of the biggest and most realistic war games in the world. I figured I'd name band camp Blue Flag, because we were playing Styx music, and Styx wrote the song Suite Madame Blue. I spent many hours before Blue Flag listening to Enya and thinking about why I was afraid, how I could get over my fear, how I could boost my confidence. I got there and, as I knew I would be, I was nervous and afraid. But I was always thinking over what had come up and what I had done wrong (because I really did nothing right) and what I could change next time.
One thing that I had nearly left behind but needed to completely eliminate was the violence. When people really made me angry by continual aggravation, I resorted to violence, and it never ended well. I always regretted it. I had decided to just avoid situations in which someone could attack me like that, but, of course, that did not work. I ended up going after Nick for participating in keep-away with my hat, and decided that I really needed to think more before I acted.
There were so many times that I wanted to say something or had planned to say something but just ended up saying nothing out of fear. Even hello was out of my range.
During Blue Flag I really got a feel for what I needed to work on. I saw where I was most afraid and most hesitant and what I needed to do to overcome that. I've always said that playing the clarinet was the best thing that happened to me, and it just keeps becoming more and more true. Blue Flag is always something I enjoy and 2006 helped me to start my progress away from the fear. It's helped me get to know some new people, and spend some time with some good friends, and have some fun with them. It also gets me out of PE, which is a plus in more than one way. I've only taken
a total of one semester of PE so far, because of one semester each for health and Ed, and two nine week (one each year) for the band waiver. My asthma doesn't agree with PE, and I really don't get much practice in those things. I have fun, but I don't always enjoy it that much. There's always an inflated percentage of the slackers in there, because PE is the only class they can take. But they still can't wear their gym clothes and pass...
Anyway, back to the original topic. Because I got out of PE, I got to have a study hall. It just so happened that my study hall was 90% juniors (now to be seniors), and I sat with That, because he's a nice guy. Jared and Sabrina also ended up sitting there (and Vojta for a time, until he switched to Dylan's English class), too, and that gave me a chance to get to know them a little more.
As always, I was scared to speak. I didn't say anything. And I was used to people just giving up on me, and leaving because I wouldn't say a word. Not that I blamed them. I was too afraid to say anything, and figured that... I don't know, maybe I would find something to say or they'd stop talking to me. Not only did Sabrina keep talking to me, she urged me to respond. She never gave up, and she just kept trying to get me to talk. Half of me wanted to talk, and wanted help with that, but the shell half kept its silence.
Sabrina really helped me push to get rid of the fear. She gave me a reason to do so, a reason to face it. For her if for nothing else.
Also, perhaps most wonderfully of all, she took me to church.
A year ago, I was finding atheist blogs on the Internet (I don't know how I got into blogs, I just did) and reading up. I figured I'd find myself there, because I really had no reason to look anywhere else.
Sabrina gave me a reason to consider church. I've always been quite open-minded, and I couldn't dismiss something without buliding an understanding of it first. All summer I had been wanting something. I had resorted to quotes off of the Interent, but I had gone all the way through my favorite people (like Einstein) and had run out of material. It took me so long to realize that the Bible has so much of that which I had wanted to read. Sabrina gave me a Bible. Not only was it a book, but it was the book. And she gave me a CD of music. All of these things combined really turned me in that direction. I really had no life. I had Dylan, but we had never really done much together, and we pretty much just had our fun in school. So other than school and band, I did nothing. Church was something to do on an otherwise uneventful Sunday, and a place where I could listen to people share their ideas and beliefs. I really enjoyed the music and the message every time.
All of that from opting into a study hall.
And there were the football games and band competitions. I liked marching and doing my best at it, and I liked the free time we got around it. Especially at football games, I had goals to talk to people, but they deteriorated. I broke my glasses in frustration one night because I was so hesitant and afraid. But hanging out with Jessica and Peter and Dylan and Kevin at the competitions was great, and we'll really miss those two...
My religion was very weak, and fighting slowly above my preconceptions and state of mind. After I had to go back to PE, I didn't get to see Sabrina much except for at lunch.
One major event was "the night we almost died." I decided that since Dylan and Erik and Jessica and Kelsey were in Godspell, I would go see it. Something told me that it would be a good thing to do, and I'm glad I went. I was very surprised at how much I recognized, considering how long I'd been going to church and in contact with the Bible. And I enjoyed seeing my freinds and classmates on stage. I also got to spend a little time with Shane, Sabrina, and Laura.
Then, Shane called me the next night and talked me into coming again. Not that it was that hard, considering he mentioned DQ. So we went again. Jessica keeps saying she didin't expect me to go once, let alone twice. And neither did I.
So you know the story. We left there and walked into the head of a big fall thunderstorm, and it was Shane's heroic driving that got us to safety. I realized... I really do care about people, but I was too scared to do anything. This was actually reiterated quite recently. And then Sabrina talked about sex and choked on pencil pieces, and it was quite a night.
I was really wanting to get to know some of these people better. I had really just met Shane and Kelsey and Jessica, and I really didn't know them very well. When Jessica mentioned to Kelsey and me at a girls basketball game that she was going to be sending out emails with questions (I don't remember whether she said they were deep or not), I was interested immediately. I like answering questions. I like figuring out how I feel. I like understanding things. So eventually she started sending me questions and I started answering them. She really liked my answers, and that made me feel good. She identified the fact that I had a shell of mostly fear keeping me from sharing anything, and that it needed to go. I really wanted to talk to her about that, I really wanted to spend some time with her, but winter break came. I didn't say goodbye to Sabrina, which I really regretted.
During break I did my best to keep my mind on how I could get over the fear. When I got back, I think I had regressed a little bit into fear and lack of confidence again, but Jessica kept helping me and kept encouraging me to go further and face the fear.
I had some things to settle. I was very grateful to Sabrina for everything that she had done for me, and I had really gotten to liking Kelsey, and I was starting to realize how important it is to let people know what you think and how important they are to you. At the time it was a little hard for everyone involved, I think, but it's actually very amazing that in so short of a time and with fairly little pain Dylan and Kelsey got together and Jessica and I did the same. Of course to most everyone else it looked like it was all my fault for taking Jessica, but they really didn't know anything.
Since then I really got closer and closer to Jessica and she showed me so much... she changed the way I look at the world. How I view color, and Light, and Love. All of it has her touch in it now, and it's all so beautiful.
Also, I have to say that our GSC is amazing. From only having Dylan to being part of such a great group is wonderful, and I really enjoy it.
In the last year, everything has changed for me. I went from Windows to Linux, classic rock to everything, nobody to Jessica and a great group of friends, fear to confidence, darkness to Light, silence to beautiful music. I joined dA, Xanga, and Blogspot, I was in a play, I found a faith, a hope, a happiness, a Light, a Love.
There have beein times of Light and times of darkness, times of sadness and times of happiness, times of pain and times of enjoyment. Though there was the bad, the good far outweighs it, and it's all changed me for the better. Seeing what this last year has brought into my life is beyond my grandest dreams. I can only look to this next year and wonder what it will bring...

Dandelion

2006-07-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I had quite a trip to the DMV today.
We got there almost an hour and a half after it opened, and were pretty much helped through right away. Then we got to sit and wait for an hour for my driving test. As one parent left:

Okay, another sixteen-year-old driver on the roads.

Like my dad said, not if you don't allow it.
So I finally got to go for the test. The theme of the drive was basically that I hesitate and act too slowly, and I need to at more aggressively. Accelerate faster whethere there's someone behind you or not, don't spend too long at an intersection looking for traffic, that sort of thing.
It was kind of interesting, though. I'd never been there, and I tend to waste long amounts of time well, even with "nothing to do." I've got people to think about. That's generally enough.
There was a WWII Navy veteran there, and we both got "victories" with the same person on our tests. There were two TV people there, one with my birthday from my class, and another... I don't know why he was there. And evidently another family from our area, too.
They didn't have a lot of people working, so by the time we left there was a long line.
While we were driving through the subdivisions on the way home, a gold finch flew in front of us, and right before our house a pair of cardinals did the same. Great signs.
Isn't it cute when they speak of "lightening"? And you can't eliminate the risk of fire.
I don't think I've ever cried from such happiness before...
The cookout thing is scheduled for 1700 (5:00, to eliminate confusion) Friday. Let me know if you can come, and call if you need directions.
No, Shane, I'm not mad at you.
If you don't just do things, they don't get done. I'll do it later... I have a while... yeah, it doesn't get done. And you're left with a lot to do and not much time to do it.
That'll be it for this short post. Tell me... would you rather have massive posts every week or so, or smaller ones intermittently?
Happy thirteenth, everyone.

Mosly Gosly

2006-07-12T07:06:00.000-05:00

I found this comparison of the installations of XP and Ubuntu. I find it very similar to my own experience, though I did not install them on the same computer. A long install that doesn't include drivers for network or audio, Firefox, an office suite, or other things. And then ads. I forgot about those...

Yeah, movie night. Sort of. It started at the zoo. My whole family dropped me off, and my mom insisted on driving way past the entrance to drop me off. I walked back to where Kevin, Shane, Dylan, Kelsey, and Shane's cousin were standing. I got introduced to Shane's cousin and ordered to remove my sunglasses (which I did not do).

Where is Colin?
Yeah! I mean, first of all, he's the one that invited us all here.

So Colin showed up, and we decided to go in, because the whole time there I don't think we got straight information about what times the zoo closed and stuff. At first it was the zoo closes at 1630. Then it was that the zoo closes at 1700 and only the entrance closes at 1630. I don't know. We got in and went to the vending machines.

Why is it than I can't get a Dr. Pepper anywhere?

We then went and talked outside, just past the doors. Talked about stuff like Sealab, and, um, stuff. Shane established that we would all go to his house later for Sealab. Colin talked to Crystal and Kelsey and I both attempted to give Jessica directions to the zoo before she finally randomly found a street she knew. More on this method of navigation later.
So Jessica arrived, and I guess the entrance was closed, so she couldn't get in.

What? I did not just pay $4 to just stand here.

So Shane ran outside to Jessica, and the rest of us went to see the zoo. I must say I regretted this decision while I was making it. So, needless to say, it only got worse. I felt really bad about it, but at times like that, I really tend to feel trapped, and guilty, and too dark even to correct it. Then Shane called and told me to "cross over," and then they called again, but I was too deep in it and I couldn't escape. For some reason I was expecting them to show up any moment, and sure enough, they did. Jessica just kind of went and talked to Kesley, and Shane was let loose on me. I was already feeling really badly about it, and Shane being all angry didn't help. I needed an escape, and the butterfly room was my option. Of course, everyone followed me in there, and out, and nobody really paid any attention to me. So then everyone just kind of left that building, and I waited before leaving and taking a "wrong turn." Jessica came back for me, but I was too low to even... feel or do anything. The thing that saves me from that the quickest seems to be seeing someone else in need. Once I made sure Jessica was alright, I went on... wandering around, thinking about beating the darkness but never really gathering myself up to do the job. Yeah, I even purposely hurt myself... that really had no effect. Except, of course, pain. The worst thing would have been being left behind, but that didn't happen. I was searching, searching for a reason, searching for Light. I just couldn't find it. I don't know why. I kept wandering, but luckily Jessica didn't let me stay in that darkness.
As we made our exit from the zoo, I think I was feeling better. Jessica helped, Kelsey and Dylan helped, and I'm glad they did. Thank you all. But I was still feeling kind of badly, but Jessica thinking that it was her fault was not good, and it helped me by helping her to realize that it was all my fault for leaving her back there.
We all left for Gene's. I didn't really know how to get there from where we were, and neither did Jessica, so we followed Colin at a maximum distance. Somehow we took all the right turns and were able to follow Colin are enough for me to know where the last turn was. We got in, to the small lot there, made quite a process of parking, and then went and ordered. While we stood waiting to order our treats, we waved at random people driving by. I thought about what would happen if I were to dart into traffic and be hit. Interesting thought there.
We finally got our ice cream, and split up. Jessica and I sat on a bench by her car, Kelsey and Dylan and Colin sat on Kelsey's car, and Kevin and Shane and Shane's cousin sat in Colin's truck.
Well, the person that Shane had parked next to couldn't get into his truck, so Shane had to move his car. He parked it across the street, angled in straight slots. Great parking job, Shane. Then they decided to head to Shane's house, and this is where the fun began. Well, the first amount of fun. I think.
Jessica wasn't quite finished, so while everyone else was leaving, she finished what she was going to eat of her lemon cone, and she went to buy a bottle of water. I'm glad I went with her. Well, that's a given, but I'm also glad because I got to see the law enforcment guy (not sure what jurisdiction he had, but he had flashy lights and an SUV) make Shane, shirtless Shane, run into the road and pick up his cup.

Do we know him?
Somehow.

So then Jessica and I left Gene's. We proceeded down one-way main until she decided to turn left and head out west until we turned left again and ended up out on market street near the DMV. Great, I'll need to go there tomorrow. Well, contrary to popular belief, I don't need to, but I will. So then we came back east, crossed main street, and basically through this whole ordeal made random turns (as far as I could tell) until we finally took, um, I'm not sure what road past the airport and to Towanda-Barnes. Interesting way to do it. I really regretted not speaking up earlier. Especially when Jessica started feeling sick. I was thinking, great, I could have spoken up and we wouldn't be here right now.
We finally got to Shane's. I couldn't decide whether to just go in the garage or ring the doorbell. I rang the doorbell. Bad decision? We waited, got no response, and Jessica held the doorbell a little while. So then I just went around to the garage door and went in quietly. Of course, Shane's mom came around the corner by now to let Jessica in. I crashed down the stairs and took a seat to watch Sealab. We watched some of that, and then they decided to take a trip down to Freedom to get some drinks.

How about we all walk down to Freedom?

Now, you'd think I'd have learned, but, um, no. I didn't. I'm dumb. Jessica didn't go, and neither did Colin. So the rest of us walked down to Freedom, and I walked in the road some, checked out a smashed food tray in the middle turn lane, got in the way of a turning car, and then waited outside while everyone but Kelsey went in. I checked out the AC units out back, and worried about being kicked out for loitering, and after what seemed like a very long time, Dylan and Spencer came out, finally followed by Shane and, um, Shane, and, um, uh, his cousin. Oh, and the other kid was there, too. So then we had to take the route back to see the graveyard. Poison ivy. I talked gibberish, Shane pushed me into a bush, I played a little bit with the Japanese beetles, we kicked shoes into the air (mine had been untied), and we finally arrived back at Shane's house. I was still regretting leaving, and so I sat in back again. Jessica finally convinced me to come sit on the couch, and Kevin came back, and we watched Sealab. Lots of Sealab. A few favorites;

Uh oh...

That reminds me; I frickin' hate Pod 6.

Chopper Dave, we have Uh-Oh, this is not a drill, over.

I liked the thing about Martian law... well, not the whole thing, but the fact that it's Martian law.

I don't know what's wrong, I'm hitting it as hard as I can.

Now, who knows more about pro shops; me, or a know-nothing like you that knows nothing?

I was still feeling bad about things, but Shane was kind enough to come by and start smacking my knee with the remote. That's a great substitute for, "Please move your legs so I can get by."
Eventually we went outside. Well, they did, but I hung back, before I ran out the door and hid behind the bushes. Then I climbed the tree, and didn't come out until Shane started to move in behind me. Then, for some reason, I got chased, and I evaded Spencer, Dylan, and Shane until Shane tackled me and hurt his wrist. I wasn't really trapped by an injured Shane, but I was through with the running, so I just laid in the grass, and Dylan sat on top of me, and then... let's see... I wandered around before choosing a spot on the opposite site of the woodpile as everyone else. It took a while for them to find me. Kevin, Shane's cousin, and Dylan came over there, and Jessica called me to find where I was. I put my phone on vibrate, because I didn't need the beeping going on. She kind of walked up to us, and then left, and called again. I guess she didn't recognize me there. Then she went and lied down on the grass. I was still trying to get my breathing under control, and Shane dragged me up. So we played a hiding game. Okay, I'm good at this. I knew where to go. I ran up the side of the house, cut across, and went into the pine trees. I crawled through one only to find that it was very thin, and went into the second only to find that it wasn't much better. But I had made quite a bit of rustling and snapping noises getting in, and I was glued to that spot, so I curled up and waited. And waited. And waited. And Kevin even said he had heard something over there, and came to look with Dylan, and I though that my feet were sticking out of the trees, but they didn't find me there. I had thoughts about Jessica leaving while I was hiding, because that would not be a good ending to an already dark day. Which had turned to night, making me even more invisible. I guess my tan shirt and camo shorts along with a black hat and camo handkerchief worked nicely. The only things I was worried about were my shoes and socks (you know, white) and my hat (shiny metal pins and a white patch). So I sat there with bugs crawling over me and a twig in my eye that I finally had to move. They finally found Dylan and the others, so they were looking for me, and I wanted to see how long it would take them to find me. Shane's cousin sounded a lot (to me) like his mom, so I thought they had his mom out there looking for me. Eventually I realized they were all calling me. Luckily my phone was on vibrate, but that makes noise, so I decided to risk turning it off. Shane saw the light from the display, and Kevin mentioned that he had already heard something and looked there. So they all came to the pine trees, and I could see them walking around out there.

There's something in there... there's someone in there... there's like a tunnel here... crawl through, Shane, I've got your back.

I thought for sure with this tunnel (that I didn't use evidently) and the flashlight and people looking would find me, but it took them like five minutes of concentrated searching to finally find me. They even threw a basket ball in there.

I heard more bounces than there should be.

Nice thinking, but throwing a ball into a tree isn't exactly a straight shot, and it didn't even touch me.
So then I got out, covered in pine needles. Those blue spruces have really sharp and short needles. Everyone was standing there remarking about how hard I was to find, and Jessica was just standing back from the group... I got all of the needles picked out, and they voted to look for me and Shane and Dylan again over going to Colin's. So I took off. I couldn't hide in the same place twice, especially since they were watching. I had already considered the van, but they would hear me getting in. I decided on the tree in the front yard. Easy, yet relatively concealed. My phone fell out of my pocket, and I spent about 15 seconds of the countdown putting it back in and securing it. I climbed the tree quickly but not too quietly and held on. That bird nest smelled funny because it was filled with stink bugs. I could see them crawling around in the moonlight...
I was very surprised. I could see people walking around in the yard, looking in the van (missing Dylan, who was in there), and swinging. I couldn't believe they hadn't looked up yet. So eventually, though Kevin's statement was a little too fake, I decided that they had gone to Colin's, and I left my fairly uncomfortable tree hideout. I got down fairly quietly, but I did learn some things about descending trees.
I snuck up to the garage, and I thought I heard voices in the garage. I didn't see anything. So I snuck around on the wood (quieter), and saw Dylan. At the time I thought he saw me and darted behind the house, but evidently Shane was calling him up to the roof. So I followed noisily around and found the back of the house empty. I kept hearing voices, and I checked the bushes and under the porch and stuff, but I couldn't find anyone. Finally they called loud enough and I saw Shane and Dylan on top of the house. I climed up the antenna in what must have been a short time, but I even missed a rung on the way up. We all just lied on the roof, and called Colin, Spencer, and Jessica. Souls, breathing, odd voices, the usual. They eventually came back, and Shane's mom was starting to look for him. He called Kevin and told him to distract his mom. He also finally told him that we were hiding on the roof. So we climbed down to the shed.

Now, you need to jump down carefully, because there are a lot of ladders down there, and we can't make a lot of noise.

Yeah, I was not looking forward to spraining an ankle again, so I slid down the sides and stepped down after Shane, using my cell phone as a light, and then Dylan made his way down. We went around back and came in the basement. Shane came down from being yelled at, and we got high fives for the stunt. Jessica was just sitting in the recliner, not really paying attention. So I put on the handkerchief over my face with the hat over that, and kind of relaxed more than slept through Uh-Oh. Jessica had to go, so while Pod 6 was starting, she took the hat and handkerchief off of my face and we left.
I would have liked to see Colin's telescope and at least have a thought about what was wrong with it. I also would have liked to have spend less of the day in darkness.
Since then... I got all of my saved emails back into Thunderbird, I found out that the new kernel I compiled doesn't even show up, and that Listen is cool but not what I need. I'll stick with Rhythmbox.
I also shopped for a new music player. I stayed away from iRiver, since they discontinued the line I had bought, and their stuff is pricey. I got a 2 GB model that plays Ogg files (a requirement for me) for only $150. They had a 1 GB at that price, but it had a "1000 color backlight" that I did not need to spend money on, so I went with Cowon's U2 player. Looks cool. I'll see how it works when it comes. The two hardest things in my search were that I needed to play Ogg files and I didn't want one with picture or movie support, because I'm not paying for that stuff that I don't need or want. I would get an iPod if they supported Ogg.
Jessica came over today, and we watched part of The Village, which was interesting.
Whoever reads this should know that I'm planning a cookout at my house on Friday. And whoever reads this is invited. Call for directions or further information.
Let's see... no new links or anything I need to tell you about.
I need to get up and take my test tomorrow. We'll see how that turns out.
Title... um... yeah...